hey, it's me... how are you faring?

Hello my dear friend, it is I again...

Life is progressing a little bit more, and I'm here to chip in some more details.

So, back in 2023 December, I thought I got an impression and some kind of a revelation. A new drive to push me further to live on.

Here am I now, currently in ESA, the language cramm school to prepare my Germanic for me pursuing an Ausbildung in Germany.

Wait... Wait? How? What?

It all began with a simple dream. I dreamt that I went to Germany. And out of my pure innocence, I believe it as a sign from heaven, and as a drowning person, I grasped on whatever I could manage to find, worse come to worst, I'm still going and fighting my way back to life once again.

Now, 4 months in since February. Class started well, so far still good, albeit I confess, it's starting to get my head dizzy, all of those Germanic Grammar structures.

And this old illness suddenly comes for another episode visit.

I don't know where or when, but I notice that I'm starting to get gloomier from time to time.

Angel went already to Germany around the beginning of May, and she's been around for a month already. Time flies...

I got a new teacher, and he's a medicine student who forced to let go of his career path due to some family's matters and in gists, he got diagnosed with the same ailments which I already coped and struggled with for these couples of years.

He is taking medications for his problems, while I didn't really came out with what I felt.

But at least I can say that I understand how it felt to struggle with a depression.

I thought at first, that my depression is getting better as I went to Jakarta last February and when my class started, meeting new peoples and learning new interesting stuffs will 'heals' me from my problem.

But maybe I'm not really sure about it.

Yes, it's true that all of those past 3 years I struggled with clinical depressions, and it's true that all the struggles is there, the anxiety, the reclusive drawbacks, the panic attacks, the heavy nonstop mind chatterings, and the seemingly big urge to hit the panic stop button is constantly terroring my many sleepless nights.

Yes I know well enough because all of those 3 years of pain and tear and drying tears, and no longer tear coming out of big mountain is real. And in a sense, I may now seemingly sounds okay, and looks okay.

But in truth, I just at the moment found a limited force of push to make me walk or run further. But don't forget, I just find a new drive to live life, not amnesiac.

I didn't forget how it feels during those gloomy episodes, those pitch black darkness.

And I suspects, the gloom is now creeping out from behind the corner.

I'm spent and tired at the moment. And I noticed that negative tones are now starting to resurfacing.

I tell you this, my dear friend, because I'm afraid. I am at the moment, feeling the fear for my soul. I'm scared to re-read the painful struggles backwards, and sliding the snake tail only to get swallowed once again by the darkness within my head.

I'm not perfect, nor I ever tried to be perfect.

I just wanted to live life normally, just like how other people lived their life. Strong and gentle at the same time, dancing in perpetuity of time, until death come to get me when I'm old and gray...

I wanna fight, but the darkness inside my head is somewhat scary... And I'm feeling unpleasant by it.

The sounds starting to manifest inside, and I'm once again stretching my hands, grasping into air above me.

Lord God, please help me, send help ASAP...

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I'm lost

Hear me my friend,

I had a constant fear that come and goes throughout my life. And it's constantly come to me almost every single day.

I am afraid, if one of my family members, suddenly died.

We all dies, death is inevitable for all beings on this universe.

And they come like thiefs, catching you completely unguarded.

This fear, getting intense as I meet the person daily.

What if, what if this or that happens?

More than ever, be it Mom, Dad, Nana, Angel, Icik'po, Ai'po, anyone I loved and those I hold dear inside me.

Just like the deafening breaking news at the break of the dawn, the day Marco passed. I was caught completely unguarded. It's hurting so bad, to lost anyone.

I'm afraid, what if something bad happened to Mom, Dad, or Nana, or Angel, or anyone.

And at the face of such terrors, I left unable to move myself. As if my defense mechanism is frozen up before danger.

I'm lost of what to do, what should I do, if something's happened? And one day they will surely will happen...

And I am not ready for that day, never in a million years if we see it from my present pace.

Tonight, unlike any other nights, the fear got intensified further.

If before, the fear is barely manageable, because I'm aware that it's only happening inside my head.

But tonight, I can't help myself but doubting my fear, second guessing everything.

After last December, after the end of store's rent contract, and decided moving to stay in Dad's house, I lived under one roof this past month with him, again after so many years.

Dad, is a chain smoker, he will empty nearly two packages in a day, if not 3.

These past week, he often complained about having short of breath. That he got tired easily, unlike in his prime days.

This past two days, the coughing started out of nowhere.

And he stayed awake till late, complaining having trouble with breathing. Last night it's around 3 in the morning, and tonight he went to bed early, only to wake up in a rush, because of heavy coughing while grasping for air.

I'm afraid, my friend, that it is what I think it is... And if it turns out to be what I feared, than it's none other than a tumor in his lungs, some clear indication, that it's late stage.

And if it is such ... Then, my world will finally crumbles

I prayed from day 1 of my conversion, to this very day.

For restoration, not a tragedy of separation in pain...

But I am blind, by my own greed, my personal ego and agendas. And my wisdom is practically nonexistent.

I'm stupid to the core, O'Lord... I'm dumb as a mule, and I had no wisdom. But before You, O All Consuming Fire, I lay down humbly, with my hopes, with my fears, with my joy, with my tear filled eyes, with my pains.... Before The Almighty, I bow down to His Sovereign Wills.

Friends, I'm scared.

Scared that tomorrow will come and I knocked on his bedroom door, finding him stonecold already. If not tomorrow, it could be some other day, and the constant fear will run me down once again.

I'm being completely honest to you, watching him troubled with ailments broke my heart and even if I'm not showing anything, God knows how many times I cried inside with unspoken groaning.

Friends, I confess to you, that I am reaching yet another lower ground in my struggle.

And my friend, I'm afraid that there will be no other time for saying goodbyes, and I will regret it for the rest of my days.

I don't know what to do, nor no longer know what to ask to God, I still hope deep down that this is just another early teaser for a surreal April Fools jokes. I really wished for it to be so.

But know this, I'm afraid, I'm weak, and albeit I'm not proud of it, I still confide what I'm feeling right now to you.

Yours truly,

Pekanbaru, 05 January 2024, 9.32pm

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