It took several days(in truth, a whole lot more than that, a month or more) as a break for me to gather my thoughts and emotional capacity to write this.
Before I begin ranting on
Let me share this weird knowledge to you...
As a Chinese descent, of course I had my Mandarin name.
It's 謝欣悲
Or read Xie Xin Bei.
The Xie as in xie-xie in "thank you"
The next character is the lineage middle name for my family,
The last character is Bei, as in the 大悲咒 mantra, a Buddhist chant for the Avalokitesvara Compassion Mantra
How does the name became my name. It was my Buddhist aunt picking the name.
If you split the word literally, the 悲 cool meaning is compassion.
But if you split the character into two, you get a character Fei 非 and Xin 心 which consecutively means "no" and "heart".
Hence the most common lonestanding translation mean 'sorrowful' or 'sad'
The name were given to me, after the incident where I drank the insecticide that I told you in the part 1 of this manifesto.
As if praying for a new good life she gave me the name Bei 悲 from that well known mantra of compassion, sounded somewhat grandeur in Buddhist terminology.
PS: I'm too lazy to correct the pinyin writing from my explanation btw, so with the limited knowledge of my broken Mandarin, please clise your eyes if you irritated by my bland typing of romanized word from the previous Chinese characters.
I named this blog, with a little tweak of consonant in the name. Bei into Fei, I purposedly tweaked the wording to make the name sounded less serious and less heavy, in a little bit of playful tone, without any other specific or particular meaning behind it.
Okay next....
Where was I?
The new understanding? - Yep, here we go...
My unanimous attempt to end my self proclaimed of flat life didn't reach a sad ending that I initially hoped for.
If not, you won't be reading this recounts of mine now aren't we?
At the same time, I begin to go to church, now out of my own initiative.
So, you can say that God has been good to me.
I was in my first year of senior high at that time. Anyway...
The unnecessary attempt of self-medication / overdosing that didn't come into fruition is the initial sign for me,
And the insecticide attempt 1 years later is another showcase of God entering the stage.
Personally, I felt nothing, and simply seeking an exit out of my own hand, that, was before.
But the newfound understanding that God loves me, and all of His promises that He states clearly in the Bible gave me promise, a newfound hope, if you may call it.
But please, this is real life, not soap opera nor heroic tales.
It's not that simple in my daily life won't it?
My dad still an abusive dad, my mom still a neglecting mother.
So what changed then?
I dunno, even to this day, I'm still unsure of what really changed that day.
How I articulate it for myself maybe might help.
I felt that I'm not completely useless, that there is this new meaning suddenly attached to my very being, and moreover I felt loved, and I believe that's God.
I think I can see you jeer to yourself, that I might sugar-coated my statement a tad too much.
But no, why do you think I decided to end my own life in such an early age at the first place?
I think my life was miserable, that I somehow felt myself different than the rest of human being, like I'm somekind of a failure, a defective product per se.
And in my narrow point of view and unwise judgement at that time, I thought of ending that life.
But I survived, not once, but twice.
No! Maybe thrice.
I suddenly remembered this episode.
During my 3rd or 4th year of elementary school, my house is near the sea shore, and I believe at that time I got hit by a bus.
The ignorant me, decide to run across the street from the pier toward home, while a bus passing through, and my head struck the bumper, in the narrow split of second, the bus ran passes me, while I laid unconscious underneath.
If that's not some kind of divine intervention, what then?
I survived the accident only with a minor concussion and some sore feeling on my right arm.
The nearing passerby, a fisherman, aid me and carry me home.
But nothing much occurs after that.
I know that I previously told you that this may or may not be the doings of spirit or anything else.
But after thinking about it for a good moment, I will insist that this is God.
Even in the moment I'm not responding to His kindness, He already paved the way for me toward Him.
Is my feeling about the reality about God's grace to me is an illusion or my latest attempt to cope with my present condition?
I sincerely hope not.
Let me spill more story out in the open.
I may sound like a blabbermouth now, I noticed them too, but my mental status currently need some relief and rest.
So, I will reluctantly but willingly spill it out of my system.
In 2019, I, was feeling that I didn't have any willingness to function normally as an adequate human being.
Let me put it in a blatant and simple way.
All this years, I had use pressure as my moving factor, to push me further, especially in the area of my daily job.
I work in a non subsidiary goverment banking company, in the division of stock investment.
Pretty far fetched from my major right?
I went to seminary, graduated and work in a bank.
Running away from calling?
Leet me explain my defence first before you say that.
I went into one of the biggest seminary, that fall in the charismatic precept,
Yet, I graduate as a Calvinist, in and out in my ideology of theological argumentations, a Reformed.
For those confused with this new jargon or names,
Let say, in general there are many perspectives even in the Prostestant-Christians theological doctrine.
For ease of explanation, let say there is 2 major paragon of thoughts.
One is Armenian,
And the other is Calvinist
Armenian, for short, believe that we human, is the one responsible in making a choice to accept the blood of Jesus, so if you were saved, yes still by the blood of Jesus, but another side of the coin is, your conscious decision to receive the truth and believing.
Hence by his argument, your salvation can be erased or annuled, since you believed by your own, so if you renounced your faith, salvation is lost.
While Calvinist, believe in 5 point of perspective.
T.U.L.I.P
Total depravity- we all has fallen so low that we by ourselves might not be able to respond and in any way receiving by our own initiative, the calling of God.
Universal Grace- that God still give His grace universally, both sinners and saints, the one believing and those who didn't.
Limited attonement- there is a certain limited groups that is choosen to believe in God, not all was saved, and in the Great Wisdom of God which only he understands, not every random person saying he belief in Jesus is saved.
Irresistible Grace- that such grace of calling specific people to believe in God, is not in any way able to be resisted, so if God called you to believe in Jesus and get saved. One way or another you will get saved and belive in Him.
Perseverance of saints- if God is the one that called you, make faith blooms in your heart, make you start believing in Him, and make you saved, He alone will sustain your faith in Him, and make you keep the faith until the very end.
...
So, I graduated with different perspective of ideology of how I should serve God.
But my reality, isn't the ideal that I pictured in my head, and I search all over churches by churches, none fit the ideal atmosphere of servitude.
So, I work in secular job, yet still serve. Since most ministry I found at that time is money-minded and have twisted pursue in serving God.
Okay...
Now, work sure is demanding everywhere all over every career path.
And stress is inevitable.
So far, I use that stressful sensation as a moving gear to push me forward.
The stressful it is, the more efficient I work.
But that for sure is tiring, and my limit?
I start working for the same company in February 2012, and got seriously fatigued by 2019.
In my years of servitude, I found that my company is legally outsmarting government rules in several way.
At the same time, same old problem, my parents and their marriage life.
My dad has his affair and my mom's her own affair.
Both cheated each other.
And the relation is very toxic.
Dad is not much as handful as the past, but he still hit mom or my youngest sister, Angel over the years.
And my dad is known with his counting his chick before the egg hatches attitude of doing his business, resulting in more than enough bankruptcy.
He only harsh in home, but never have any gut with his debtor customers.
The stress from business were pushed at home, making the house like hell on earth for me.
Those situations, and my mother habits of badmouthing and twisting reality in her complaints toward my dad.
If you learn only from her perspective, you will think that she is a tormented saintess married with the devil, while in truth doesn't necessarily like so.
Both work demands and my family situation, is pushing me far over my limits.
I got depressed, went to some counseling center and pray some good amount.
I even fast for 40 days not eating, but depression isn't a spirit nor some demonic possession that can simply be casted away in the name of Jesus.
You fast, while still working, what you get is stress and hunger, some depressions still persists afterward.
And at night your mother is complaining about your dad flirting with some unknown women he know from the app.
While forgetting that she also did the same.
Maybe it was my young naïve mindedness at my younger years.
I want to go to theological seminary to serve God with the rest of my life, so God will make my family whole again, to reconcile father and sons and daughters, and my whole family.
But the reality is far fetched from what I prayed these years.
In middle of 2019, the depression reach boiling point,
Beside work, I felt tired to meet up with anyone, sick of myself for putting that fake smile as if my life is just fine like heaven.
I fast some more, pray harder, take a vow of this of that, thightened my spiritual disciplines..
I went to a charismatic church by the way...
But I followed most of the Torah law, the plentiful and unnecessary yoke of a burden.
Thinking that somehow by being more discipline and strict in following God, life will unwinded themselves.
Nope, still none.
Late September 2020, I quit my job, tattered and burdened so.
Just 4 months before my first sis, her marriage with her bf-soon to be husband.
February 2021, parents and youngest sist came to Jakarta for the wedding reception.
Mom got the Cov-
Dad return the next day to Pekanbaru, and in 3 weeks, left home, bringing his online dates to Pekanbaru and lived with her. Till this very day.
Mom now is in Jakarta with my youngest sister, having their new life, yet still depends on financial aid from my dad.
My whole life is a big joke it seems.
The most deafening noise isn't the boom or bang from a big explosion, but the most deafening noise, is the silence of the gap. The status quo of uncertainty.
While deep down, I always wanted my family to have a good life, and peaceful one at it.
Yet God planned for something different.
Does God mean with me?
No, absolutely not. It still resounded true until this very moment for me.
He is too good to do harm to me.
That is what I belief and I know it's true.
So, nearly 32 years me living on this planet, sharing the same oxygen and breathes the same carbon dioxide just like you, my good fellas, my dear reader.
But my pain is much, and all of my grains of salt that I've collected along the way isn't necessarily small in number.
I experienced both extreme in my personal spiritual reality.
I had many unfortunate moments that even left their scars till this day, be it physical and mental.
But that doesn't discourage me.
I know that God, the Jesus that draw me close to Him when I was a 15 years old juvenile boy.
Is still true to me even to this very day.
The God that I follow from my youth is faithful and sustained my heart to this day.
Despite my lackings, despite my past mistakes.
I know that He is true in and out, there is not a shadow of doubt about it.
That, if, He hear my plea in the days of old, He is still the same God that come to rescue me today and tomorrow.
So, I will again proclaim it, that it is not me, the Josh that writing this blog post that is strong.
Yet, it was my Jesus all and all that is faithfully and truthfully strong, he sustains me in each and passing moment.
Even in this still same depression season of mine.
Even if this is my final post (which I hope it won't), let it be known that the God that came to Josh's rescue is faithful and he sustained him until the very last moment of his days.
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