It sounded like something you'd find from a fictional stories.
Well, I'm not trying to blow smokes from my ear, nor am I being superlative, but to some degree, there are truth from what I posted previously.
It's going to be lame, picking up whatever bomb I've dropped, and polishing it some more.
No, because that's how a make belief lies work.
What I'm aiming to say now, is that I'm going to attempt judging those bollocks sounding tale, and perhaps picking a better perspective to it.
Here's some of the points I'm providing previously...
1. I was rather 'unique' in how I perceived things smelling spiritual.
2. I was yet so eagerly pursuing whatever I can find a long it's about some special things we called magic.
3. Although it's short, I was once in contact with people blatantly pursuing magic from the worship of satan.
4. I no longer practice magic, not because I won't, but rather, no longer can.
5. I still done my research from past script, literatures about magic.
...
I will be very careful from here on, not to get lost in thoughts and stay on track.
What I'm trying to argue initially,
Is
If, there is a possibility for redoing my life from start,
Then, perhaps, I might did the same as my present.
Why?
Simply said, something is wrong in my head.
What's wrong? I dunno.
But,
If I argue that I have a rather active imagination, that won't be it either.
Yes, I am a nerd, and to be completely fair. I am also nourishing my mind and my sane judgement with science.
By quoting science, doesn't completely make my argument make sense either, still.
But note and mind this one thing.
What I've written, is also based on my internal judgement, that is also fully aware of scientific facts.
Now, let's make a what if scenario,
First let's establish a common ground, let put my whole life on this pedestal, all my past shame, mistakes, stupidity, craziness, and my pain. All of those thing that made me 'me'.
But let's put this utmost doubt in my life as the sole point of rhetoric argument.
Why Joshua did succumb to the doubts and willingly say he practiced occults.
I am sounding mentally challenged here. As if I'm mad is not even enough for a side gesture.
Why?
This modern culture we had at hand today, is based on the leap in scientific progress the past century.
We are transformed in a hundred and some decades apart from barbaric savage like those middle eras where people simply died from plague, famine, and witch hunts.
I am to satire in this aspect, all in all, while I am, for a fact. Tried to understand the world, even from scientific point of view.
Of a laymen, saw a thunderbolt struck a tree out of the blue with no cloudy storm nor rain.
Maybe, they will argue, some kind of spiritual entity is going berserk and let loose a thunderbolt.
Or, scientifically speaking,
Maybe the electric current in the humidity and the neutral current in earth, met together, and the electric current on the atmosphere, met it's saturation and need a release, hence a bridge of flash connection appeared, in the form we call a thunderstrike.
I'm not all looney yet, I am still sane enough in the aspect of my judgement about spiritual things.
I am not an atheist, for sure, but I am not a blind theist either that blindly and willingly goaded with what explanation a religion served me.
My own motto is, to experience my facts for whatever we called faith.
I'm not claiming to be better, in fact I'm of a low faith, hence I need proof for anchoring my faith.
There are, in fact, limitations to science.
And today's logic of base-ing all arguments with science perspective, had a big hole on the logic itself.
Who on earth is still alive at present time, that witnesses the creation of the universe.
So, science is what you see, what you taste, what you measure, and what you feel from an observation.
Some people observed another, and make theory about it.
But,
That is, based with their subjectiveness,
Let say, if I observed a person, of how they lived their daily routine, and make a summary based on my observations alone.
It's solely depend on what I perceived from my observation. It was subjective once again.
But if, I incorporate the objectivity, and including the person being observed, to provide me an insight from him, of how he did his daily routines.
That's a common ground from our perspective and view point bridging to settle on some terminological standing.
But, does it become the ultimate truth?
Maybe, but maybe not.
They can be wrong one one side, or both are wrong at the same time.
Or they can both be right at the same time either.
So, in short, there is no wrong or right to an approach.
I can see the clouds and argues this cloud formed from something in the sky, or I can drag my explanation by stating the stratospheric pressure this and that met this humidity, that generates air currents, and when the temperature is down, the clouds be this be that.
Or I can say this cloud is good omen, or not, or whatever I see fit.
It's like you complaining that you are in pain and went to pay the doctor a visit, only stating you are feeling pain. Then the diagnosis will differ from one doctor to another.
If you go to eye doctor, they will say your eye is sick.
If you go to brain doctor, they too will say your brain is sick.
If you go to bone doctor, they're gonna say your bone is the problem.
So, my dear fella.
I see the world with my own glasses.
I look up to the sky and feel stunned with how vast and amazing is the majesty I see, and I'm inspired by some unknown and inexplicable sensation to find out about it.
But scientific explanation doesn't amaze me even if I understand it completely.
So I'm asking, was there something more left unexplored?
So I'm curious, simply dragged me curiosity on a long marathon run.
They say, that invisible realms exist.
I say, give me a proof.
And they can't make whatever invisible turn visible at will.
So, I think, maybe something in me is not ready, so I simply do what it takes to understand and see the invisible, while learning unnecessary weights while doing so.
I don't have an explanation nor any terminology to best capture how I feel, or how I walked the path, and what I gained when I reached my destination.
Why?
Because it will be sounding too insane, so much so, I am going to be suspected as mentally ill.
Unless you are also on the same path as me, then you will think I'm crazy.
Only people standing on the same ground level see esch other eye to eye.
In this modern logic, it's going to sound dumb, retarded, crazy, pitiful.
While in truth, it's the modern cold world that is pitiful.
We are playing houses, chasing a broken dream, we are thinking we building a castle while in truth we are collecting dust in our sack.
This is my what if, finally.
If, I can restart my life right to the starting point, the moment I born.
As I lived my life, growing up
I think, I will still pursue spirituality.
Even if I'm not a victim of domestic abuse.
Even if my family situation is different from the present life.
Even if I cannot see ghosts from birth.
Even if I'm completely different from my present life version.
I think, what's wrong is within me, deeper than what the bare eyes can see.
I am thinking, even if, despite my way of pursuing magic is walking in a circle pointing to nowhere as I had no teacher to guide me, despite its meeting a dead end only to convert from magic to something else, a total waste, I will still do it all over again.
Why?
Because I know one thing for sure.
The universe does not come into being on its own.
That an Entity addressing Himself as God, is in control. And God who reveals Himself through the name of Jesus, from what we can find as it is told in the Bible... Is in charge of all probability, beyond all causality law.
I believe strongly, even if my first plunge head first toward magic is given a better chance of redoing or undoing, I will still redo it the same.
Why?
It took my desperate act of wanting to die and my first suicide attempt, in order for me to opened my heart to Christ.
I need to see for myself, however powerful magic can do and what glorious wonder they can produce, it's still drive me to a desperation, that there is an end that even magic cannot conquer.
And that, is where the final push came into place, that no matter how powerful a person with magic, what kind of magic they practice, there is one thing for sure. God is the all encompassing final Truth that magic cannot perceive.
So, even after my conversion, where I continuously learn about what spirituality exist that I have not previously aware of. The more I learn, the more I'm strongly understand the final end limitations to magic.
But the past me never know that.
The past me need to be slain to his desperation, the past me need him to see there is no future with magic, so let's us just die, and finally get to know that Jesus is real.
So, here we are... It's a closure to magical chapter, it is a final adieu with no turning back.
Even, if I'm a somewhat adept in things related to magic, from 1 to 100 scale I'm somewhere in the 70s or 80s if you make a scale of measurement for what I've gained and collected in my head.
Even if I had my gifts for it. I need to see, that even of I got a chance to re-do my whole life and started pursuing the genuine pure magic that is completely uninterrupted by demonic nor any other influence, even if I somewhat able to establish a whole new path to magic system all by my own attainment then, I will need to see the bitter end that drive me to my desperation.
So I can finally see Christ.
Yes... So I can see Christ at last...
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