hey, it's me... how are you faring?

Hello my dear friend, it is I again...

Life is progressing a little bit more, and I'm here to chip in some more details.

So, back in 2023 December, I thought I got an impression and some kind of a revelation. A new drive to push me further to live on.

Here am I now, currently in ESA, the language cramm school to prepare my Germanic for me pursuing an Ausbildung in Germany.

Wait... Wait? How? What?

It all began with a simple dream. I dreamt that I went to Germany. And out of my pure innocence, I believe it as a sign from heaven, and as a drowning person, I grasped on whatever I could manage to find, worse come to worst, I'm still going and fighting my way back to life once again.

Now, 4 months in since February. Class started well, so far still good, albeit I confess, it's starting to get my head dizzy, all of those Germanic Grammar structures.

And this old illness suddenly comes for another episode visit.

I don't know where or when, but I notice that I'm starting to get gloomier from time to time.

Angel went already to Germany around the beginning of May, and she's been around for a month already. Time flies...

I got a new teacher, and he's a medicine student who forced to let go of his career path due to some family's matters and in gists, he got diagnosed with the same ailments which I already coped and struggled with for these couples of years.

He is taking medications for his problems, while I didn't really came out with what I felt.

But at least I can say that I understand how it felt to struggle with a depression.

I thought at first, that my depression is getting better as I went to Jakarta last February and when my class started, meeting new peoples and learning new interesting stuffs will 'heals' me from my problem.

But maybe I'm not really sure about it.

Yes, it's true that all of those past 3 years I struggled with clinical depressions, and it's true that all the struggles is there, the anxiety, the reclusive drawbacks, the panic attacks, the heavy nonstop mind chatterings, and the seemingly big urge to hit the panic stop button is constantly terroring my many sleepless nights.

Yes I know well enough because all of those 3 years of pain and tear and drying tears, and no longer tear coming out of big mountain is real. And in a sense, I may now seemingly sounds okay, and looks okay.

But in truth, I just at the moment found a limited force of push to make me walk or run further. But don't forget, I just find a new drive to live life, not amnesiac.

I didn't forget how it feels during those gloomy episodes, those pitch black darkness.

And I suspects, the gloom is now creeping out from behind the corner.

I'm spent and tired at the moment. And I noticed that negative tones are now starting to resurfacing.

I tell you this, my dear friend, because I'm afraid. I am at the moment, feeling the fear for my soul. I'm scared to re-read the painful struggles backwards, and sliding the snake tail only to get swallowed once again by the darkness within my head.

I'm not perfect, nor I ever tried to be perfect.

I just wanted to live life normally, just like how other people lived their life. Strong and gentle at the same time, dancing in perpetuity of time, until death come to get me when I'm old and gray...

I wanna fight, but the darkness inside my head is somewhat scary... And I'm feeling unpleasant by it.

The sounds starting to manifest inside, and I'm once again stretching my hands, grasping into air above me.

Lord God, please help me, send help ASAP...