I got giddy and nervous easily when I utter even the tiniest of a peep in front of other. Well, technically speaking, I still am.
I found conversation as an arduous task. Getting words to speak and transfer message from my brain into a comprehensive words in hope the recipient understand my message without embarrassing myself in front of other, and moreover, being wary for being overheard by others. It's such a fuzz for me inside.
By default, I'm talking inside my brain, and prefer to not utter anything for the whole day. Which is the reason of this blog being made in the first place back several ten something years ago.
So, being a seminary student, is quite the exact opposite polarity of my default get-go. We are people preparing ourselves to get into ministry, ministering other about the goodness of the Lord, sharing words of the Gospel that transforming both the speaker and their recipients through the work of Holy Spirit.
Of course there are classes that require me to stand before people numbering more than one or two persons to do the minister.
And I'm suck at it, I got cold feet, nausea, nervous, stutters, and suchalikes.
Especially when I need to share about the Gospel to unbelievers, a stranger on top of it all.
I simply unable to get my message clearly, and surely inefficient and ineffective in executing what I aimed to do.
I remember one occasion after graduating and staying in my relatives in Padang, while the rest of the family is moving to Pekanbaru.
I shared the Gospel to my uncle. He is a Buddhist believer, and quite bitter toward Christianity in the first place.
I remember he once told me about his experience back in his youth, he came to a church sermon back in his middle school, where the minister preach the Gospel while making comparison which in gist is berating in tone toward other beliefs. As if this act of ridiculing one religion or that other religions will be effective in convincing the listener about Gospel truth.
He opt to be bitter when he returned home.
And this uncle is my one and only person that I so dearingly hope to get saved by Christ.
What's funny is, that instead it was I that got preached in turn, the table was turned towards me, and I was opened to the noble cause of Buddha and such.
Well, I'm not going in depth about that. But the point, is I didn't succeed to get my message across.
As if I'm not convincing enough, or I'm not a skilled talker not enough persuasion, many thing that I am lacking to this day.
It saddens me even further, several years afterward, the uncle passed away due to lung cancer. To the very end, I did not succeed.
I know that faith came out of hearing to the Gospel. And it is the hidden works of the Holy Spirit in generating faith inside a person's heart.
I am conflicted, was Holy Spirit didn't see that uncle fit for the criterion of faith. Was he unworthy. And so on and so forth.
No, the work of God is a mystery that only God knows best. It is His sovereignty to decide to whom He will grant His grace, and God had no obligation to give explanation to anyone.
So, I rest my restlessness about him, my uncle, under God's sovereign will, as nothing can be done for me to works out any other explanation. So I surrender o'Lord.
That household, his family, is also a fervent Buddhist.
Pretty much, you can say that that family influenced me here and there during my earliest years.
My uncle, is a fans of mysterious and supernatural phenomenons.
Maybe their household influence is best manifested in my pursue of magic and the art of occult in my teenage years, that is how the norm from that family.
Learning meditation, pranayana, morning jog to the city park, taiji practices and suchalikes, is the occasion I encountered during my early years when I came to their household.
I even joined into novicehood because his suggestion to my dad.
So I am lost since early years, how diligent is satan working to cause a mess and trying to turn my eyes away avoiding the Truth.
The year is 2011, the fresh graduate me, all of a sudden met with the fact that my dad went bankrupt, again, and mom's already went ahead of us to Pekanbaru, for a job offer she readily accept. So the rest of family follow her suit, and let's try a new chapter there.
My paperwork is not really finished even after the fact I graduated. My certificate and such isn't ready. The college is still in the process of registering their administrative registry's on the ministry of education, which unfortunately occurred during my graduating year, as the new birocracy is put in place, so it's going to be a little late for my papers to be ready.
So I think to myself, maybe closer to Jakarta is better, and Pekanbaru is too far away.
Moreover I'm not on good term with my dad yet. He is still an abusive father, and he still manage to try establishing his dominance to me even several days before departure from Jakarta.
So I think staying with other relatives is much safer for me, so I just stayed in Padang.
During the 3 month stay with my uncle's family, of course I longed for this family to also know about Jesus, do I shared the Gospel from time to time.
I am inadequate in many way and as I said already in advance, I'm not a good talker, and I got preached in turn about Buddhism.
"Reincarnation is real y'know. We are suffering because of our karmas, our own ignorance causes this suffering. We need to train ourselves to let this suffering end by following dharma." And such... and such....
I had nothing to say in return back then.
I'm only a Christian for 5 or 6 years, my 4 years of seminary days are for me to learn the Bible theoretically, but not on practice. I'm still young and green in my faith, of that I humbly confessed.
What I know is Jesus is good, God is merciful, we are sinners like sheep has gone astray. So far away, so we forgot the way home. And God is good, He came to saves us despite our iniquities and transgressions.
They are still a Buddhist believer to this day. What can I say? A dozen years has passed, and beliefs still unchanging, stronger even instead.
I don't know why I brought this topic up.
But it occurred to me before writing this long post, that maybe some feeling still linger inside my head, some funny taste even after a decade of my uncle's passing.
Well, maybe it's because I wear his collared shirt today, maybe it's nothing of the above.
Well, yes, we never know what beyond this life.
We knew nothing about it. We only have faith to equip us for what is next.
Which faith is which is the million dollar question.
What I believe came from my reading of the Bible, believing in the promises from the Bible of what God is and what He is on to about, of all of it to be true
But other faiths also had their respective beliefs, so we can't help but compares if not clashes each claims on top of each other and judge with our heart of hearts to be the genuine truth. And of that, the Bible teaches, it's because the response itself is given, graced on each individual, so they can accept and believe which one is the Truth.
Being Christian is surely confusing and rather funny in my opinion.
If faith itself is given, so nothing, none at all, not even the tiniest speck can be works on from our part, humans.
If to believe is also a given response, so nothing can be done more for anyone to be able to believe.
So let me contradict myself here to add some fuel into the confusion in hope to spark some more faith out of myself and perhaps you, my readers.
Let just say this every time we preach the Gospel to Buddhist laymen.
If reincarnation is real and perhaps is in fact true. So we have another chance to aim for a better chance in the next turn of life, as long as our life in this time is done perfectly, we got a chance to be reincarnated as human again next.
Let us just try to believe in Christianity this time, as nothing harmful will come out of it, even if it's not the truth, at least we still have a chance next.
But,
If what the Bible claims to be true, that reincarnation is not a thing.
Then this is the one and only chance to accept. That we are sinners doomed for hell on eternity. No other way out, no possible way to atone and ammended the death sentence of sin, as we still sins daily diligently.
So, Jesus came to born and lived a perfect life, died on the cross on every possible kind if punishment and judgement to bear the price we supposedly paid with our head on the stake, so we are asked to accept, to receive in what He did back then. Once and for all, a perfect sacrifice as our ransom. So trough that, be saved.
If this is the only chance we got. Then there is no other but believe. If this is the only saving boat, of course we need to grasp every chance to secure a seat.
But if this is not, we got time still. If Buddhism is true, than we got an uncountable immeasurable chances for next.
But I doubt that it's the case. I can testify that there is no doubt that what Jesus said to be true. That's the case for me personally.
So, in this life, at any encounter, and on each possibility ever opened to you, share the Gospel.
As we never know what will happen to us tomorrow, so share the Gospel, wether we are in a good situation or even in bad situation. On the field, one the kitchen, sitting or standing. Like the Bible said, in every turn of situation, in every chance we had, let us be obedient as a believer.
I believe, that is the one and only true way of exercising our salvation.
No good deeds will amount our way for eternity before God. So the only exercise of faith, is to share them, lt just among believers, but also to those who believe in other faith.
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