If the title is misleading, I apologize in advance.
My biggest inability, is to remember faces.
Even the faces of people in my life whom I deem as my closest kins, is oblivious from my memory, I think I can imagine how they look like, but not their facial features.
I don't know when it started, or why it become as such, or more important, when I come to realise this.
But it happens, I cannot recognize people faces. I can took a good glimpse or even stare dead on their face, and as soon as a couple seconds after completely forgotten how they looked like.
So I grow up, developing habits of not making eye contact to the people I talked to. As in truth I also irked by this situation, my frustration of not being able to recall their face. So it become a disturbing situation for me internally for I want to get closer with the other person whole I can't even establish a better relationship with them with a simple thing as remembering their face.
So I avoid seeing their face, as in my memorial they soon will be blank faces all the same.
I'm not sure whether this is a novelty of bizzareness, or my mind playing tricks, or was this a mental ailments. But they happened for at least more than two decades.
Maybe it was catapulted by the traumatic days during my dad's casual way for skinship of barraging punches, that he hate my gut if I stare at his face so he will find another excuse to hit me even more if I looked at his face while the usual practice of boxing session is in process.
Maybe that make me develop the habit of not pointing my eyes on the counterpart's face during any form of verbal interaction. Maybe it's the first situation that make the now faceless people syndrome I experienced today.
I hate is so much when I file a report in local police station after my phone got snatched during a bus ride, as the police officer asked me how the man facial features looked like, I can't answer him as the man in question face is defaultly blank in my mind. Even how the police officer looks like is long forgotten.
Even my mom and dad's face is blank, even Nana, Angel, and baby Zera, by default, in my head their faces are blanks, how much more are the rest of people I known throughout my whole life.
I can't really able to describe faces. Maybe some kind of clue how they supposed to looks is there, but when I try to focus on them, it soon becomes a blank face, like how a scarecrow doll had blank face, that's how I saw each and everyone I hold dear in my memories.
So, the question is, how can I differentiate one person from another.
I developed some dope detective skills maybe. i remember their height, how they speak, their speech intonation, the voices, some clues is there. And when they're in front of me in person I won't forget their faces, the situation only occurs when I no longer in presence with them.
So yes, if you dissect my brain and somehow boot it on a screen, maybe what shown from my memories will be faceless people talking to me or to one another.
But thankfully we got pictures nowadays, so they're not all forgotten, if I surf the net and seen their posts, some profile picture will help a lot.
Funny is, I even once suspected myself of having dyslexia, and took some test myself due to this situation.
So no, maybe it's a long habits developed for decades, not a mental ailment, but a habit driven from my still ever-present childhood traumas.
That's all for today... till next time
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