the surprise departure

Hello again dear old friend, 

I have one update: I am currently on the plane, and no other but towards Frankfurt. (Well technically I'm on my way to Doha, transit and then to Frankfurt. But yeah, Germany....)

It's been a long roll-coaster ride. But today is the day.

I can't be more thankful. To Him alone. My praises to His kind loving grace. Hallelujah glory to God!

The departure is immediate, almost in a rush, but it's okay.

I've a feeling yesterday that today gonna be it. So I packed my things and make my farewells, and return to Nana's house. 

Arrived late at 11' and Dad is already asleep.

Talking with Matt, chatting with Manda, and VN-ing Jasson has been the norm multitask routine, and then I hit the shower late af 2'

The next morning, today's mornin, wake up, hug my dad. We ate breakfast, and they went to the market to buy ingredients for beef rendang.

As the rendang is cooking, the phone call rings in, and the news broke.

My departure is immediate, today, this very day at 18.10, today, 17 December 2025.

And it's almost 10' am. We need to be there by 15'

So, i panicked and have nothing left to do, but to hug my dad.

And I cried, while saying: I just met you this morning, eat breakfast, and I thought we could chat some more spend more time for a bit while. But no, the meetup is just 6 hours and next, I'm at airport, boarding and recording the farewells with ESA's managements.

Huff ... A long day, and just had my meal, a beef stew. And it reminds me of the rendang I just ate for lunch, the one my dad cooked for us.

This entry is filled with tears, but it's a mixed happiness and also sadness, and a tad bit of fear.

As I ride the drive to airport, mùshī Sumito rings in, and we talked a bit, and he prayed for me.

It's been in my mind as of late, these past few weeks.

I believe that going to Germany isn't just a mere option for working abroad, but also a bigger challenge of testifying my life as a testimony for proclaiming Christ' works in my life. To His glory, an opportunity with heavier responsibility to be a witness of Christ.

And it makes me scared a bit too much to the point of feeling pain inside.

So, here I go, the dance is down there and I'm all alone, I'm not, for I believe God is with me, always. But now the real adventure begins, it's not a drill no more. Ready or not here I come, be with me O' LORD, empower me to preach the Gospel, living it to make my whole life an opened Bible, a living testimony, proclaiming Christ' to the poor and the lost.

To God be all glory, in Jesus mighty name I take this leap of faith.

> >Read More

of holiness

I confess it in shame and humility my old friend,

That I dwelve my days and life of youth in sins, gallowing and many multitudes of sinning. And among then, too, of carnal desires.

I've come to raise and fall, struggling in every steps of life, and maybe to this day, depending on strength that is now my own, I believe, to practice a life of setting myself apart.

I am talking about the daily practice of personal holiness.

I thought of it, and I dreamed for it, and surely I long for it, so much.

And I still walk and try and fall down, and struggling to get up, and try more, to walk in it, every single day of my life.

What is it then?

What is holiness?

I know that God is holy for once.

But what is it? What's all these fuzzy thing in a sudden all about?

I think I am convinced that this might be the right time to drop it, and it won't do any good for anything later.

You know, my friend, how I fall and how I struggle in life, and about whatever in whichever aspects.

And let me tell you, I've come to know about pornography since I was 6 or 7. Hansen introduced me to this world, and we did fool around as kids about it.

Later during my juvenile periods, I get so intrigued about it, and I dare say I also date around, and maybe along the way, (200 words ommitted due to shame), lose my virginity with a girl, during those stupid escapades of saying wanting to know God but doing the exact opposite in actuality.

And I get to explore both worlds, due to my not so mainstream tendency in gender preference, yes, I did foolishness and I'm ashamed of it.

But shame bring no healing nor restoration if it stops only there.

So out of shame, I confess to you, my friend, so throughout it I may be healed, again, and with this newfound latest breath of healing may established again what healed parts I've manage to reestablish through my whole journey so far.

So, personal holiness, that darning and heart breaking word that brought many restlessness and humility to my mind in plenty of ways in many days and years.

Simple, mysterious, confusing, and uncommon, and yet uncomfortable at the same time.

Holiness is a whole life process, it is not a ceremony, and it doesn't come in a single night.

It's a pursuit, and also a daily practice.

It's a trait, and setting distinction, one and only clear distinctive feature for a genuine Christ follower.

We have been set apart. As the church has been 'taken out' from the world, despite still being in the midst of it.

The holiness is another lane setting the church apart, on a personal basis, each individual from another, in their innermost aspect of life.

The setting apart of the heart.

So, that is translated into, churchgoers, is not all holy.

No one is holy. Everyone is the same sinner being sanctified through Jesus blood shed on the cross for all sinners.

But holiness is a personal calling that is put into practice in our daily life basis, that further setting us apart, making us slowly and surely, more distinctively pulled out from this world.

So, the music I heard back in my age of oblivion, might not sound so entertaining now for me.

And the media I use to like back then now no longer seems or sounds funny for me today.

And the tendencies for compromising things and being permissive to some sinning might no longer sits okay on my mind today in comparison to earlier days.

Personal holiness, is not plastic, it's not even organic.

It is irreplaceable, and totally not replicable. It cannot be made up, and faked up.

It's not a fake it till you made it situation.

And all effort to replicate it into your life are proven useless in the question how can I have a personal holiness life.

Holiness originated and authored by the one and only, God, it is solely God.

And you won't have it, if God doesn't put it in place in the first place.

He put it there, in your life as a proof that He is shifting your life like a Miller shifting pulvered meal powder into fine flour.

He first shift the tiny pebbles out, and he shifted the husk, the bran out with an even finer meshes strain shifter.

And after some good crushing, pounding and grinding, He collect it again, pass it through an even finer shifter, and collected the uncrushed grain chunks out, letting the coarse grind through.

And throughout more process, He might keep refining your life, until you become a very fine flour, ready to be kneaded into bread.

Or with another parable, we all are chunks of dirt, containing strain of silver in it. He cleanse the soil, and retrieve the silvery sand, and He will refine it in the burner, melting the silver to produce slag.

As He sit through and wait for us to be fully refined in the furnace, He wait for all impurities melt away and burn to cinder, as a silver Craftsman patiently sits and watch for His silver to be ready.

God is refining us, as we melt in hot glow, until we are ready, that is when we finally reflecting His image on the surface of melting hot silver pool, that is our refined life.

I want it to be me so bad. I really long for the process.

I made it my life goals, to live my life holy.

I've been a nazirine, I took the vow back in Pekanbaru, I grow my hair long enough, practicing Old Testament law diligently, seeking the Lord daily. Struggling in every way.

But no, holiness is not a work of man, but truly God authored Grace.

And in my weakness, throughout the suffering and pain, I do finally see... I found grace abundant.

Grace, for something so big, that is high and noble and so unattainable, unobtainable, that God gives it freely.

I don't say nor do I claim that I have it, that this is it, what I have now at the moment was it.

No!

But I walked in and out of it, no matter how many times I went astray. The same grace that brought me to my knees in repentance keep adding the weight of longing on my heart scale, so I long even further and even more daringly, of a personal holiness, to be fully lived in my daily basis and spiritual obedience put to practice.

So, personal holiness is still a mystery to me.

But I know it's not impossible, and that it's so important, so much so, I long to have it.

And it's fully not my power, so no matter what I do, I can't have it on my own accord, but solely God given.

So I pray more for me to live my life in it.

So pray for me, my old friend, if you come to read it, pray... For me to finally living in it, constantly. And for yourself too, for you to have it.

May we reflecting God's image in our refined life pursuit of holiness at the end of our life journey.

Until next time, my old friend.

I love you, and you are precious to me.

> >Read More

to heal....

To heal is to forgive.

To forgive of what have been done in the past.

Not to make the oppressor ran away free unaware of the damage that has been done.

But to set the self in pain free from burden that they carry.

To realize how heavy is the weight of doubt and painful memories, terrorizing and haunting the many sleepless nights.

That ever so eager to come again and haunts with newfound horror, for the sake of reminiscing about past wounds.

To forgive, is to let myself finally free. Free from the heavy burden I carried unknowingly.

So, because I simply care and because I simply tired of wanting relief. I shall put those burdens free, away they gone beyond me.

At the foot of the cross, where my Savior redeemed me.

I want to be healed, and finally breathe a little freely.

So, heal, my old me, lift your chin once again, and be healed.

Because I too, deserve to be happy, a happiness of my own, one uniquely tailored for me, a perfect fit, and no longer a tragedy.

I am... Healing... Slow, but sure

> >Read More

about Life....

I have always been wandering about what it is to be alive. What's there about in order for one to be fully alive, of what is there from life to offer in hand.

Of course as I grow older I have been through plenty of stages of change, and moreso deep within, from my perspective and ways of thinking.

I once thought to myself, wouldn't it be best for life to have a manual, a somewhat guidebook like a small booklet that accompany the purchase of a smartphone, about how to do this and that, what limitations and capabilities the gadget has to offer and how to tackle certain trouble that might occur in the usage of said gadget.

But no, life has nothing to offer in the aspect of said guidance nor manuals.

We are lost from the very first day we 'spawned' into this world. 

I'm not some kind of guru in this aspect either, so I won't be able to give you any definite answer either.

And no, I'm not in for a debatable topic of argumentative essays either.

I'm just saying my own version of life.

That is, life according to, and uniquely akin to me personally.

For me, life is to be alive, and to live is to breathe, and to breath is to be constantly aware and appreciative.

And in regards of being aware is to live life in a semi-permanent state of being 'detached' while being all around and about from the world.

Can I put it into a simpler term?

Let me iterate further, as far as it could, as much as I am able further.

For me, who struggles in my childhood due to being too accustomed with being neglected and not being listened, to be able to develop awareness of my own being and my thoughts and feelings is important.

Maybe because I was so accustomed with suppressing my emotion due to fear from being hit, and the urgency to be able to stop crying when being yelled by my dad,l in his yet another anger fit episode, that inability to vent down my own emotions freely back then has made it toll in my early teenage years. I grow up detached from society, due to me not properly developing the bare minimum requirements in socializing aspect. 

So, as I grow older, the arduous healing steps and the necessity to retrace my inner child to rebuild the awareness is deem necessary for me personally. Being able to be fully aware of my own state of being and my emotions is truly a blessing.

I can cry when I am sad, to understand that the emotion I am feeling as either sad, anger, upset, happiness, and so on is a blessing.

So yes, to be aware is to live. And to live in that semi detached state is a good start.

Detached in a sense, of being fully aware of what I am feeling and of being capable to fully master it, not letting the feeling govern my action and fully controlling how I react even through such a hard situation.

And to be semi detached, of being exposed to life, while being able to draw my personal boundaries and limiting access to my space whenever necessary.

That can be translated as, me being aware of my own mental state and developing the awareness of my own being and action, throughout my daily life, and knowing people, while also knowing how to limit their influences toward me and also limiting their access to enter my life, if deemed necessary, so that through all of the experiences I had, I can still be me, and I can still be true to myself at the end of the day.

And yes, to do such, a constant mindfulness is the basic necessity. And to be able to have empathy whenever needed is another key. But self love is also important, knowing where to put your own worth to place and when to give a bit of sacrifice for each situation.

And that's life for me in a nutshell.

I may not be living it perfectly pristine and all bling bling, and nor do I lived the total naivety either.

I am living life, my style, Josh's way of living.

So, my old friend.... How's life going for you lately?

> >Read More

another update from life, and some twist of fate

Hello there old friend, and it feels nice to get to write again. With a better mood and proper sanity this time.

So, a year has passed by, and suddenly here we are, it's June again.

Yesterday I saw on social media, from my brother in law's story and Mel's story. They went to Marco's resting place.

Without me releasing it, it's been 3 years, and with those sense, 4 and a half years since I first got my clinical depression, and now it's half a year for me since I can safely say that I've regained my 80% or so control of my will to live back.

People surrounding me is a big help, a good environment, and I've got news, plenty of em to chip in and spill over here.

First of all, I've met new faces, plenty of unknown strangers, and some occasional acquaintance and some more lasting faces that stays for a while and some a more longer impression lasting faces that entered my inner part so to say circle, new people that somewhat revolves around my life for quite a while, and unbeknownst to me, aid me in my healing journey.

At first, it was only me all alone last year, and one day, during an occasion with Angel, we're planning for a trip back to Jakarta, and introducing Jasson. The first stranger that knocked on my room door and asked for Information about where can he repair his phone. So because it's in the same direction with us, I offered him to join the cab and pull over around the shopping center for him to try finding shop garage that might repair his phone.

Jasson didn't manage to repair that 5 years old phone, but he got a new one instead that day, but maybe the initial gesture somewhat and somewhere broken the ice among us.

Skip to March, Angel got her job offer, one day after passing the B1 level certification, and around that time, Nathan came, joining the circle. The boy got potential in my initial assessment, he's showing good traits of a fervent Christian, and looking at how he prayed constantly and how he diligently read his bible somewhat make me jealous about such discipline whereas I sometimes skip my daily spiritual disciplines.

Starting May, Angel flight to Germany, and the first week after the drama hits hard.

They labelled me as a hypocrite and a pretentious Jesusfreak, even this place which claim themselves and labelled themselves and identified themselves as Christ followers, turns out spewing me with accusations and reject my genuine effort to live my life as a strict to Bible teaching non-compromising Christ obeying Christian.

I'm not being haughty nor boasting here. I know how deep I've fallen so I just trying my very best not to repeat history. And I'm by all mean, ensuring myself in constant check, so I don't get sidetracked and return to my old life.

But seems out my personal holiness and purity is being questioned by the very institution that every Friday make discipleship class and in short, I got despised and labelled as pretentious and a rebel.

Jasson, who affiliated himself with me, because he somewhat 'bought' all my Gospel sharing episodes, and Nathan who at that time still in a somewhat good term with me, also got to taste the aftermath.

We got a kind of 'excommunicated' sense of treatment

We were moved from Camp 2 to Camp 1, and you won't believe it, in 2024, but we're moving to a backwater trapped in history plot of lands.

Where the neighborhood is still bamboo forest, and the neighbors raised goats, geeze, ducks and chickens in a raised stable/coop.

It's surrounded with clay road that got into a swamp in rainy season and that hard to forget goat dung smells 24 hours.

And maybe Nathan read it different because he got inflicted by the aftermath as an idle passerby.

Worse, we got slandered as gay couple as a sarcastic slurs from no other than the Foundation Director, Mr. Y.

Simply because he saw that Nathan been following me around, and he got irked because I once said to Mr. A that Angel's acceptance to her workplace, is none other than a humble prayer result, that God is showing us a favor, which might insult him personally because turns out his own son got rejected at first interview with that hotel before finally got accepted at his second attempt.

Funny how a self proclaimed Christian turns out not so mature in tight situation, and we got persecuted, somewhat, by moving us to this backwater place full of inconveniences.

And since then, Nathan drawing a thin fine line and draws back from me.

Jason is my neighbor next door, and for 3 months we spent more time, doing silly things, games, joking around, sharing the Gospel, gossiping about, and complaining about the injustice we experienced.

And we grow closer, and he begin to see himself as my brother, so I began to return the gesture, treating him like one.

And when we're finally moved back to Camp 2, Jasson become my roommate for around 2 months, and we're sharing the Gospel more and I don't know what the boy saw in me and my personal life, but I somehow gained a follower, not in a literal sense. I just want to tell him about how God has been good to me, and I really wish for him to personally have that relationship with God for himself on his own basis of approach.

One day, Jasson received Jesus as his personal Savior, I lead him on prayer. And we can say, from a brother, he become a mentee, and me, despite my many lackings, now a mentor in Christ.

Jasson got to graduate his B1 certification on July, applied for job interview on August, got accepted and begin to file his Visa entry around August, but got his Termin in November, and by the end of November, flight to Germany, and he's been there for half a year now.

While Nathan got his B1 certificate around September. And he's still around to this very day, not yet beginning his departure to Germany.

In the while, back in September, here comes a new member of my circle. Alexander, a 27 years old born again Christian who turned out to be a Reformed doctrine follower. We share plenty, and I introduced Jasson to him, and the group grows from 2 person to 3.

We spent plenty of time around with Jasson and Alex be it in Esa, or outside, or maybe in Alex room, chatting, joking, and sharing about God.

While Nathan made his own group, where he become the star, and a somewhat mentor of the group.

But the Nathan I saw back in March is long gone, he never seen pray, nor read his Bible as often, and he began care for his outward appearance more than his inward spiritual growth. Back then I began to tackle about the importance of living a holy life to him, before he draws the line from me.

Now with these newfound group of his, a certain girl caught my attention. Amanda, who oftentimes share the inside story from her group (the one Nathan made) and tell her difficulties in life and maybe some occasional days, sharing about Thai culture and songs and maybe series she watched (she knew that I can speak and read Thai from our initial chatting, and she began to open up to me since then)

And Nathan didn't seems to like it, she experienced 1 month and a half silent treatment being ghosted by Nathan, despite the boy is walking and breathing before her very eyes.

So one day she decided to exit the group, and occasionally joining my group.

Especially everytime I went to Camp 3 to visit Alex's room.

From a once in a while visit, become a regular visit on a weekly basis. To a 3 day basis, and once in 2 days basis, until I took my B1 certification test, passed the test and went for a 2 months praktikum in a kitchen from some hotel in BSD. But after finishing my praktikum, we returned even closer, and Manda become one of us, so my casual video call with Jasson is usually done while being in Alex's room, with Manda joining for a tea, snacks, or late night coffee.

And here comes Matthew, who initially a casual acquaintance that oftentimes crossed paths with me when I bought dinner or my casual night walk. I often pray in silence on those night walk episodes, and once or twice he followed me, and I shared to him my personal testimony, how and why I joined the program and wanting to go to Germany. And sharing about the depression and so on, and Matthew finished his certification around the time I passed mine, and he joined the praktikum at the same hotel not long after me, by a week. So from initial crossing of path to an occasional meeting by lunch hour to a casual occasional walk from the hotel returning to camp, to joining me after hours in Alex's room, and he's becoming one of us. 

And of course, I'm focusing the group about personal life on a personal basis, mentoring them and sharing the Gospel as the core focus.

And the group grew closer.

Now, late May 2025, Alex got his Termin, went for Visa interview, and he acquired the Visa in 21st of May.

And finally fly to Germany back in the 5th of June. Just 3 days ago. He's been settling in and have begun his work and hoping the best of luck and wishing him good adventure ahead in life.

But let me tell you the story about Nathan now.

2 days ago, that very Nathan who now a perfect stranger, who begin showing NPD traits and making a new group with more members, and begin to showcasing a complete different lifestyles.

Clashes with me.

I often heard from the other Camp dwellers, that Nathan did this, Nathan did that.

I once got hold of his phone, he let me borrow it and I once used it to browse something on the net about some regulations update from German Embassy in regards to Visa application, but what I stumble is the search history, which is actually his privacy, but I stumbled at it because wanting to open the page I searched the day before, only to find the other search histories around the list. Porns. Not a casual one time, but as I scrolled quickly and skimmed it through downward, but a constant routines. And I've scrolled down long enough to January, and it's still the same search histories. Even some tabs are still opened in the browser.

I kept it quiet, and secretly consult it with Jasson, because howsoever I once saw him as a brother and the other brother is Jasson, who also identify him as his own brother also.

We try to talk to Nathan about that sensitive topic, and he draws back even further, and a complete stranger even to me, with his well known silent treatment by which I already experienced one year prior.

I let him be, but bro is an attention seeker, everytime I went to Camp 3 in Alex's room, Nathan who's room is right across ours, walk even more often out from his room, bare chested, showcasing his now profound muscles and abs, with loose almost see through pants, basically flaunting his beauty like a peacock in heat.

Doing calisthenics till late night (it's half 12 or 1 am dead in the night for heavens sake)

And he broke up with his girlfriend and I once consoled him back in March this year, and I got astonished because during that private talk, his ex called him using her mom's phone, and during her ranting, she mentioned one sentence that broke my judgement on Nathan completely.

Nathan is a lecherous brat, who, back in the days, forces himself on her, the girl complaining to Nathan that there are rumors about her spreading around now, because she is labeled as a cheap girl, and the gossip was spread to the church communities, and no other but the current boyfriend of her's is the one spreading the rumour. And Nathan pacify her to keep her calm, and suddenly she blew a fuse, saying "even back when we're dating, and when you force me to s*ck you, I often refused, how dare that man now spew lies about me."

Yup, I'm not supposed to hear that, and moreso spread it here. But that is the background of my thoughts behind why I finally let him exit the door to my life.

And 2 days ago, Manda, who's roommate is one of Nathan's 'follower', well to be exact, Nathan is chasing the girl and been following her around for months now right one week after the broke up, so I can conclude that her roommate is the newfound target, maybe.

So back to my rantings, Manda returned from Mall dinner with us (me, Matthew, and Jere) previously we did caught Nathan and his group at the same Mall we went for dinner, a rare occasion for my group, but yeah, now we knew Nathan is a frequent visitors, explaining his late return most of those days before.

So, Manda entered her room, the door is closed, but there are 3 boys inside, Nathan and 2 other of his followers, casually sitting with door closed. Boys is not allowed to enter girl's room, Camp rule.

Moreso, it's 10.40 pm, and Manda called me, complaining, she's been hiding in their bedroom not wanting to get out, and complaining that she's wanting to take a bath but can't due to those boys around.

So I called Matthew, told him to pass the phone to the leader (Nathan)

And I said such:

Nathan, do you still recall your gender?

And do you noticed where are you right now?

And what time is it now?

So, if you're not dispersing any sooner, I'm sorry to say this, Imma call the School mentor, Imma call Tante.

He flew in rage, and rapping his raging slurs and spewings threats and returned the phone to Matthew.

Later Matthew told me in chat, that Nathan returned upstairs and threatening to break my neck and so on (plenty of words ommitted, we know the gist already), he climb up to the open rooftop, the 4th floor, still angry and ranting in hate. And then, BOOM, the wall shakes, some superman hit the Roman Concrete wall.

The next moment, the following crowds panicking, a stupid man broke his fist.

They scamper to hospital, late in the night, admitting bros at hospital, and trying to chip in for money to pay for an operation, and everyone kept it a secret from the school.

We heard the next day, that the cost for operation is totalling 70 millions. Wow, what a price. Currently, today, is the operation, and the one that shoulder the fee might be Nathan's only family here in Jakarta, her older sister.

And we'll see how it goes, not that I feeling proud nor contemptuous, but I watch as things unroll before me. That being humble and being able to master one own mind is important and there are price for it, and it could be too pricey maybe...

> >Read More

hey, it's me... how are you faring?

Hello my dear friend, it is I again...

Life is progressing a little bit more, and I'm here to chip in some more details.

So, back in 2023 December, I thought I got an impression and some kind of a revelation. A new drive to push me further to live on.

Here am I now, currently in ESA, the language cramm school to prepare my Germanic for me pursuing an Ausbildung in Germany.

Wait... Wait? How? What?

It all began with a simple dream. I dreamt that I went to Germany. And out of my pure innocence, I believe it as a sign from heaven, and as a drowning person, I grasped on whatever I could manage to find, worse come to worst, I'm still going and fighting my way back to life once again.

Now, 4 months in since February. Class started well, so far still good, albeit I confess, it's starting to get my head dizzy, all of those Germanic Grammar structures.

And this old illness suddenly comes for another episode visit.

I don't know where or when, but I notice that I'm starting to get gloomier from time to time.

Angel went already to Germany around the beginning of May, and she's been around for a month already. Time flies...

I got a new teacher, and he's a medicine student who forced to let go of his career path due to some family's matters and in gists, he got diagnosed with the same ailments which I already coped and struggled with for these couples of years.

He is taking medications for his problems, while I didn't really came out with what I felt.

But at least I can say that I understand how it felt to struggle with a depression.

I thought at first, that my depression is getting better as I went to Jakarta last February and when my class started, meeting new peoples and learning new interesting stuffs will 'heals' me from my problem.

But maybe I'm not really sure about it.

Yes, it's true that all of those past 3 years I struggled with clinical depressions, and it's true that all the struggles is there, the anxiety, the reclusive drawbacks, the panic attacks, the heavy nonstop mind chatterings, and the seemingly big urge to hit the panic stop button is constantly terroring my many sleepless nights.

Yes I know well enough because all of those 3 years of pain and tear and drying tears, and no longer tear coming out of big mountain is real. And in a sense, I may now seemingly sounds okay, and looks okay.

But in truth, I just at the moment found a limited force of push to make me walk or run further. But don't forget, I just find a new drive to live life, not amnesiac.

I didn't forget how it feels during those gloomy episodes, those pitch black darkness.

And I suspects, the gloom is now creeping out from behind the corner.

I'm spent and tired at the moment. And I noticed that negative tones are now starting to resurfacing.

I tell you this, my dear friend, because I'm afraid. I am at the moment, feeling the fear for my soul. I'm scared to re-read the painful struggles backwards, and sliding the snake tail only to get swallowed once again by the darkness within my head.

I'm not perfect, nor I ever tried to be perfect.

I just wanted to live life normally, just like how other people lived their life. Strong and gentle at the same time, dancing in perpetuity of time, until death come to get me when I'm old and gray...

I wanna fight, but the darkness inside my head is somewhat scary... And I'm feeling unpleasant by it.

The sounds starting to manifest inside, and I'm once again stretching my hands, grasping into air above me.

Lord God, please help me, send help ASAP...

> >Read More

I'm lost

Hear me my friend,

I had a constant fear that come and goes throughout my life. And it's constantly come to me almost every single day.

I am afraid, if one of my family members, suddenly died.

We all dies, death is inevitable for all beings on this universe.

And they come like thiefs, catching you completely unguarded.

This fear, getting intense as I meet the person daily.

What if, what if this or that happens?

More than ever, be it Mom, Dad, Nana, Angel, Icik'po, Ai'po, anyone I loved and those I hold dear inside me.

Just like the deafening breaking news at the break of the dawn, the day Marco passed. I was caught completely unguarded. It's hurting so bad, to lost anyone.

I'm afraid, what if something bad happened to Mom, Dad, or Nana, or Angel, or anyone.

And at the face of such terrors, I left unable to move myself. As if my defense mechanism is frozen up before danger.

I'm lost of what to do, what should I do, if something's happened? And one day they will surely will happen...

And I am not ready for that day, never in a million years if we see it from my present pace.

Tonight, unlike any other nights, the fear got intensified further.

If before, the fear is barely manageable, because I'm aware that it's only happening inside my head.

But tonight, I can't help myself but doubting my fear, second guessing everything.

After last December, after the end of store's rent contract, and decided moving to stay in Dad's house, I lived under one roof this past month with him, again after so many years.

Dad, is a chain smoker, he will empty nearly two packages in a day, if not 3.

These past week, he often complained about having short of breath. That he got tired easily, unlike in his prime days.

This past two days, the coughing started out of nowhere.

And he stayed awake till late, complaining having trouble with breathing. Last night it's around 3 in the morning, and tonight he went to bed early, only to wake up in a rush, because of heavy coughing while grasping for air.

I'm afraid, my friend, that it is what I think it is... And if it turns out to be what I feared, than it's none other than a tumor in his lungs, some clear indication, that it's late stage.

And if it is such ... Then, my world will finally crumbles

I prayed from day 1 of my conversion, to this very day.

For restoration, not a tragedy of separation in pain...

But I am blind, by my own greed, my personal ego and agendas. And my wisdom is practically nonexistent.

I'm stupid to the core, O'Lord... I'm dumb as a mule, and I had no wisdom. But before You, O All Consuming Fire, I lay down humbly, with my hopes, with my fears, with my joy, with my tear filled eyes, with my pains.... Before The Almighty, I bow down to His Sovereign Wills.

Friends, I'm scared.

Scared that tomorrow will come and I knocked on his bedroom door, finding him stonecold already. If not tomorrow, it could be some other day, and the constant fear will run me down once again.

I'm being completely honest to you, watching him troubled with ailments broke my heart and even if I'm not showing anything, God knows how many times I cried inside with unspoken groaning.

Friends, I confess to you, that I am reaching yet another lower ground in my struggle.

And my friend, I'm afraid that there will be no other time for saying goodbyes, and I will regret it for the rest of my days.

I don't know what to do, nor no longer know what to ask to God, I still hope deep down that this is just another early teaser for a surreal April Fools jokes. I really wished for it to be so.

But know this, I'm afraid, I'm weak, and albeit I'm not proud of it, I still confide what I'm feeling right now to you.

Yours truly,

Pekanbaru, 05 January 2024, 9.32pm

> >Read More

today is today, unlike the other day, but it's still yet another day...

Well, where do we start?

Okay, let's drop the bomb with no further hassles.

I cut myself, by accident.

It was, my left index finger.

I'm so done with knife accidents.

But today, is perhaps the epitome of most accidental injury.

Mind you, it's hard to digest what I'm showing here.

That's, my fella, is the injury.

I've bandaged it with a positive pressure, because even after a few hours already, it is, still an open injury.

The darkened blotch of where a finger nail supposedly be, is oxidized blood.

I slipped while cutting a cabbage shreds, and hit directly and went through with the santoku I'm holding at that time, and chipped nearly half of my fingernail, exposing what lies underneath,

What a genius I am.

And as you perhaps might not know.

Underneath your nails, are full of blood vessels.

So, without positive pressure on the dressing, I'm going to continue on oozing blood from the wound. But the tightening from the bandage is constricting the blood flow, deprived my tissues of oxygen.

I'm going to keep watching on it waiting the clots to finally formed so I can release the pressure and wish for a speedy healing.

As you know already, my constant tremors hindered me from normal activities that even babies could do. 

Well, not babies, it's an exaggeration.

But, even holding still a knife blade in position is hard for me.

It's sad, for real, and it is painful, both in heart and physically on my index finger now.

But yes, the me that you know so far, is this weak and mortally feeble me. And I'm upset with this faulty physical body.

But this to, need to make do, that this feebleness is temporary, there is still a better promise of perfection when Christ returns.

So despite all, I'm trying my best, with this God given response, to wait in this promise of His.

So, pardon me, from putting a hiatus for further posts at least until my finger get healed.

So, till we meet again, world...

> >Read More

picking up where I left previously...

After I posted the entry 4 days ago, and after I reconsider what I write, It's simply doesn't make any sense.

It sounded like something you'd find from a fictional stories.

Well, I'm not trying to blow smokes from my ear, nor am I being superlative, but to some degree, there are truth from what I posted previously.

It's going to be lame, picking up whatever bomb I've dropped, and polishing it some more.

No, because that's how a make belief lies work.

What I'm aiming to say now, is that I'm going to attempt judging those bollocks sounding tale, and perhaps picking a better perspective to it.

Here's some of the points I'm providing previously...

1. I was rather 'unique' in how I perceived things smelling spiritual.

2. I was yet so eagerly pursuing whatever I can find a long it's about some special things we called magic.

3. Although it's short, I was once in contact with people blatantly pursuing magic from the worship of satan.

4. I no longer practice magic, not because I won't, but rather, no longer can.

5. I still done my research from past script, literatures about magic.

...

I will be very careful from here on, not to get lost in thoughts and stay on track.

What I'm trying to argue initially,

Is 

If, there is a possibility for redoing my life from start, 

Then, perhaps, I might did the same as my present.

Why?

Simply said, something is wrong in my head.

What's wrong? I dunno.

But,

If I argue that I have a rather active imagination, that won't be it either.

Yes, I am a nerd, and to be completely fair. I am also nourishing my mind and my sane judgement with science.

By quoting science, doesn't completely make my argument make sense either, still.

But note and mind this one thing.

What I've written, is also based on my internal judgement, that is also fully aware of scientific facts.

Now, let's make a what if scenario, 

First let's establish a common ground, let put my whole life on this pedestal, all my past shame, mistakes, stupidity, craziness, and my pain. All of those thing that made me 'me'.

But let's put this utmost doubt in my life as the sole point of rhetoric argument.

Why Joshua did succumb to the doubts and willingly say he practiced occults.

I am sounding mentally challenged here. As if I'm mad is not even enough for a side gesture.

Why?

This modern culture we had at hand today, is based on the leap in scientific progress the past century.

We are transformed in a hundred and some decades apart from barbaric savage like those middle eras where people simply died from plague, famine, and witch hunts.

I am to satire in this aspect, all in all, while I am, for a fact. Tried to understand the world, even from scientific point of view.

Of a laymen, saw a thunderbolt struck a tree out of the blue with no cloudy storm nor rain.

Maybe, they will argue, some kind of spiritual entity is going berserk and let loose a thunderbolt.

Or, scientifically speaking,

Maybe the electric current in the humidity and the neutral current in earth, met together, and the electric current on the atmosphere, met it's saturation and need a release, hence a bridge of flash connection appeared, in the form we call a thunderstrike.

I'm not all looney yet, I am still sane enough in the aspect of my judgement about spiritual things.

I am not an atheist, for sure, but I am not a blind theist either that blindly and willingly goaded with what explanation a religion served me.

My own motto is, to experience my facts for whatever we called faith.

I'm not claiming to be better, in fact I'm of a low faith, hence I need proof for anchoring my faith.

There are, in fact, limitations to science.

And today's logic of base-ing all arguments with science perspective, had a big hole on the logic itself.

Who on earth is still alive at present time, that witnesses the creation of the universe.

So, science is what you see, what you taste, what you measure, and what you feel from an observation.

Some people observed another, and make theory about it.

But,

That is, based with their subjectiveness, 

Let say, if I observed a person, of how they lived their daily routine, and make a summary based on my observations alone. 

It's solely depend on what I perceived from my observation. It was subjective once again.

But if, I incorporate the objectivity, and  including the person being observed, to provide me an insight from him, of how he did his daily routines.

That's a common ground from our perspective and view point bridging to settle on some terminological standing.

But, does it become the ultimate truth?

Maybe, but maybe not.

They can be wrong one one side, or both are wrong at the same time.

Or they can both be right at the same time either.

So, in short, there is no wrong or right to an approach.

I can see the clouds and argues this cloud formed from something in the sky, or I can drag my explanation by stating the stratospheric pressure this and that met this humidity, that generates air currents, and when the temperature is down, the clouds be this be that.

Or I can say this cloud is good omen, or not, or whatever I see fit.

It's like you complaining that you are in pain and went to pay the doctor a visit, only stating you are feeling pain. Then the diagnosis will differ from one doctor to another.

If you go to eye doctor, they will say your eye is sick.

If you go to brain doctor, they too will say your brain is sick.

If you go to bone doctor, they're gonna say your bone is the problem.

So, my dear fella.

I see the world with my own glasses.

I look up to the sky and feel stunned with how vast and amazing is the majesty I see, and I'm inspired by some unknown and inexplicable sensation to find out about it.

But scientific explanation doesn't amaze me even if I understand it completely.

So I'm asking, was there something more left unexplored?

So I'm curious, simply dragged me curiosity on a long marathon run.

They say, that invisible realms exist.

I say, give me a proof.

And they can't make whatever invisible turn visible at will.

So, I think, maybe something in me is not ready, so I simply do what it takes to understand and see the invisible, while learning unnecessary weights while doing so.

I don't have an explanation nor any terminology to best capture how I feel, or how I walked the path, and what I gained when I reached my destination.

Why?

Because it will be sounding too insane, so much so, I am going to be suspected as mentally ill.

Unless you are also on the same path as me, then you will think I'm crazy.

Only people standing on the same ground level see esch other eye to eye.

In this modern logic, it's going to sound dumb, retarded, crazy, pitiful.

While in truth, it's the modern cold world that is pitiful.

We are playing houses, chasing a broken dream, we are thinking we building a castle while in truth we are collecting dust in our sack.

                                                                                                      

This is my what if, finally.

If, I can restart my life right to the starting point, the moment I born.

As I lived my life, growing up 

I think, I will still pursue spirituality.

Even if I'm not a victim of domestic abuse.

Even if my family situation is different from the present life.

Even if I cannot see ghosts from birth.

Even if I'm completely different from my present life version.

I think, what's wrong is within me, deeper than what the bare eyes can see.

I am thinking, even if, despite my way of pursuing magic is walking in a circle pointing to nowhere as I had no teacher to guide me, despite its meeting a dead end only to convert from magic to something else, a total waste, I will still do it all over again.

Why?

Because I know one thing for sure.

The universe does not come into being on its own.

That an Entity addressing Himself as God, is in control. And God who reveals Himself through the name of Jesus, from what we can find as it is told in the Bible... Is in charge of all probability, beyond all causality law.

I believe strongly, even if my first plunge head first toward magic is given a better chance of redoing or undoing, I will still redo it the same.

Why?

It took my desperate act of wanting to die and my first suicide attempt, in order for me to opened my heart to Christ.

I need to see for myself, however powerful magic can do and what glorious wonder they can produce, it's still drive me to a desperation, that there is an end that even magic cannot conquer.

And that, is where the final push came into place, that no matter how powerful a person with magic, what kind of magic they practice, there is one thing for sure. God is the all encompassing final Truth that magic cannot perceive.

So, even after my conversion, where I continuously learn about what spirituality exist that I have not previously aware of. The more I learn, the more I'm strongly understand the final end limitations to magic.

But the past me never know that.

The past me need to be slain to his desperation, the past me need him to see there is no future with magic, so let's us just die, and finally get to know that Jesus is real.

So, here we are... It's a closure to magical chapter, it is a final adieu with no turning back. 

Even, if I'm a somewhat adept in things related to magic, from 1 to 100 scale I'm somewhere in the 70s or 80s if you make a scale of measurement for what I've gained and collected in my head.

Even if I had my gifts for it. I need to see, that even of I got a chance to re-do my whole life and started pursuing the genuine pure magic that is completely uninterrupted by demonic nor any other influence, even if I somewhat able to establish a whole new path to magic system all by my own attainment then, I will need to see the bitter end that drive me to my desperation.

So I can finally see Christ.

Yes... So I can see Christ at last...

> >Read More

I personally believe that this all is predestined, a what if argument.

I am, despite my theological background and my personal doctrinal belief, is a strong believer of force of fate.

No, not that kind of sense for a fate, but rather, in essence, that all things happened, happening and will occur, are all already predetermined and well premeditated long before the whole cosmos birthed. That nothing is really an accidental occasion, as if a part of a grand and yet also a meticulous design.

What will be, surely will be, what's been determine to occur, will still occur no matter what. That all things in the whole cosmos are already set in stone, even long from the eternity before time.

But I am not using this arguments to defend myself for why I did what I've done.

Mind you, this is not a justification cause, nor it does me a ground to argue for my own righteous, as it brought me no justice nor any benefit.

As you may or may not know, once again, I'm an ex-occult.

No, not the box-office spell casting wand waving one kind of an occult, yes in the utmost limited mean, but not just at that sense only.

If I might say myself, I'm rather, a sophisticated thinker, specialising in the hidden knowledge behind those very things we called occult.

I begin my foolish quest when I'm in such a young age.

I can see apparitions, as such and by such, I'm not claiming to be 'special' in any way, no. But rather this darn ability is the very first trap hole that lured me in.

So, from the very beginning, I got a headstart from most occult pursuer.

Some people spend years on meditation and rituals only to open a small part of their psyche to let them see, or rather, peered in small glimpses on what's on the other side, but I spend less time for that, as it brought me no benefit, I'm able and already capable to stare at the other side, so I can focus more on the more important part of occult pursue.

In Christianity terminology, all things beside Christianity beliefs, in the scope beyond worshipping God and pursuing Jesus, is deemed as occult.

So, simply said, praying to a deity's from other religion pantheon is already an occult act.

Meditation is already an occult practice.

Chanting in other Sanskrit canon is occult.

Everything is occult, and deemed as paganism.

But no, in my perspective, an occult, is more a personal enrichment to pursue a rather, 'enligthened' state, and while doing so, the pursuit of so called awakening, supernatural abilities is tapped and aroused to be in a rather semi-perpetual state of release.

How do I say without sounding fake? Er....

Let's put it this way, the pursuit is done in order to tapped into something dormant in all creation, and when that source is aroused to the surface, a state we called as 'awakening' occurred, and that make the person becomes more aware of something else from the other side, and with a constant revelation to whatever there, an innate capacity is awakened in them, making such person to be able to produce some smaller scale of a knock-off miracle-like phenomenons. That if we translate them into older generations terminology, simply put, magic.

Now, as a person coming from the other side, I will tell you, it's not that horrendous like those claims by the preacher in churches, nor they were beautiful like those wand waving fantasy modern movies.

Even, among many occults, there are many things to learn to. As the world's culture is complex, and so is magic. Magic differs from one culture to another, and most crudest and ancient surviving practice were heavily induced and laced with tales, folklores, rituals according to respective traditions.

So to say, an Indian yogis from Varanasi's way of pursuing their discipline is different from the Baba's witchery practice from Slavic folklores. And it will surely different in practice with other cultures practice.

So, I first started with a meditation discipline, to make whatever visible to be even clearer in vision.

And what's closest in my reach. So I pursue Taoism,

When I moved to Jakarta, after those book about black magic written from Western ideology of magic, I soon convert to satanism, and practices both.

When I met other satanist, I learned more, and finally settled myself as alchemist, in a sense, a pursuer of universal truth.

Alchemy, is a combination of many discipline and knowledges.

First, astronomy, then biology, then herbology, linguistic, crude chemistry, philosophy, even religion. It's a multi versatile all-rounder discipline, as the ultimate goal of alchemy is the unity of heaven and man, which is only possible if you attain the universal ultimate truth, th hidden knowledge hidden behind the thread of dimensional plane.

This is too New Age sounded arguments, the most mind unstable post I perhaps will ever wrote for this particular blog, ever!

Western's alchemy previously brought from Baghdad, somewhere from the 6th to 10th century, and before you know it, it's entered the Roman Catholic church, even monks, philosophers practice them.

It's surely beneficial to the science progress, since most invention later leads to the advancement of our technological civilization.

Let say, how does metal refinery progress from a simple melting and smashing metal bars now including some alloy mixture, metal enrichment, and so on.

Even the accidental sweeteners from urea fermentation used in 14th century is a by-product of alchemy pursuit. 

Some surviving knowledge, begin to flourish somewhere in 18th century, and that's brought us back to reality. 

I believe back then, by pursuing my quest, I'm somehow getting myself to perfection, getting closer toward the mystery of the universe. Lo and behold how naive I was.

Of course I'm aware of how demon's snaring lies work. I've seen one or two perhaps in my life, real demons that is..

But no, not all magic is demonic powered. At least mine isn't, and I guaranteed you to my best clear conscience. Despite I did attempt a demonic pact, I didn't, despite succeeding in evoking a real demon from the other realm in my 2nd story wooden flooring bedroom.

A real demonic apparition manifesting itself is accompanied by a burning aroma, like you burn a jumble heap of hair, yes it smells like a burning hair. Heaps of hair.

Anyway,

Now, what I'm about to reveal is rather too controversial, and too hard to believe with a working sanity.

But believe me, I tell you no lie in these following,

Aftery conversion to Christianity, I didn't stopped completely.

I still, in magic practice, continue on for one year or so until I completely quit doing such, simply saying, I quit because my car is out of juice, so no matter what, it won't start nor budging. So I quit for the better.

But,

In my pursuit for knowledge, some kind of occult wisdom. I never really quit.

As I learn more philosophy, or as I learn more about other beliefs system, and their respective theological arguments, I get a new glimpse of how supernatural realm works. 

Even as a theologian scholar myself, I cannot help to notice those spiritually aspect of truth hidden from biblical verses.

So, to sugarcoat and to shorten my explanation, I did, reach a somewhat mental state fit to be called as 'awakening' in the occult world sense.

As I never see this or that with a stubborn prejudice, I keep analysing what's behind such claim operating like this or that in respective belief system.

So, I get a real view about things hidden behind the curtain.

Mainly, of how Satan work behind the curtain to utilise the previous heaven to be his kingdom, and how the demonic force, lie to the whole occult system of belief, that only they govern magic.

To be more explicit about it, if per say, I'm a paranormal does their supernatural job, the one who act behind the scene were demonic forces.

Even of you try to dig deeper about this, multiple ancient mysticism practice is closely related with some special super entity which establish a pact with the human and powered them to do magic.

You might see some remaining examples in today's shamanism practice. Like Korean shamanism, the mudang is like any normal human being, until they get visited by the 'deities', a kind of spirit, that will possess their body, when summoned to do the mudang task.

Or the guardian angels in today's Wiccan practice, or the spirit animals in Native American shamanic practice.

While in truth, with enough training, every human being can reach the capacity to do such with not even an ounce of help from demonic force.

I simply reached the mental state because ofy constant pursue for what's hidden behind the mystery of this world.

I'm not claiming to be special, once again no, I'm not delusional enough and will never be, in order to claim that I'm no longer a normal human being. I still humane enough, I cried and I laughed, I got happy and upset, I am as normal as any of you. It's just what I've come to realise set me aside from the rest of your normal day human being.

The realization is what make me 'awake' toward what hidden behind the shroud of mystery, and enabled me to tap into what latent potency inside of my psyche. A seed of godly nature the Creator breathe into human, as all human is created in His image.

I may be no longer able to do magic today, but, knowledge about it is still within me to this very second.

I don't know why, but I had this better judgement about magic since early on. I got enticed with it, amazed by it, and fancy it, as if a good light was spot on top of it since early on.

Maybe this is why I crazed about it, not only because of the hatred of being sacrificed in a secret ritual by my dad.

I'm rather attracted towards it long before those whole abandonment and running away dramas and before the black magic induced chest pain started.

I, am, an alchemist, a pursuer of truth, that stopped because I found a better Truth in Christ. But it doesn't compensate for what I did, my thirst for knowledge continues on even after seminary years.

.......

I'm getting dull here, the direction I'm heading is a loop, and rather ambiguous.

So, let's put the climax here in front, before I bore you.

This is, a knowledge that is kept under heavy secrecy, and rather, the biggest hidden knowledge the occult world ever had.

That every human is possible to awaken their innate potency, of being aware about the mystery behind the supernatural veil, and to, contain whatever force hidden behind the findings after awakening to the other side's truth.

Simply put, a human body, is not all there is to it.

A human, isn't only limited to their physical form, their thinking mind, but also their soul.

Now, there are other two body, that I so keep myself from putting into this writings for all these time.

An energy body, and a bliss body.

The energy body is about the vital force a human produce throughout their lives, it is the energy that powered your natural healing abilities, your cell regeneration, your metabolism.

So no, not sorry, that those things aren't done simply by a billion cells of brain synapses.

And bliss body, is the utmost hidden awareness you brought to active from their long hibernate mode, and that's what govern your capacity for spirituality.

Mind me, this is not in the Bible. Here, a grain of salt.

When a person meditate, simply put, stopping themselves from their routine and simply be there, in the present moment and stopping unnecessary urges to do things, distancing their brain, body and heart from the hecticness of the normal world, the first thing a person will encounter, will be emotions. 

They will be more aware of what they feels, how it affects them, how they interpret the message and how they behaves about it.

But if you didn't stopped only there, but push forward, deeper inside, then, the root for emotions and the root of sensation will be revealed.

You will see, that your emotions is yet only a mere hot air blowing outside-in, arousing your skin, revolving beyond your body, but they tend to make that all your life is about them and them only.

When you push deeper in the meditation, then inner hidden desires will resurface, what you really are is here. And this, according to many scrolls and scriptures of multiple different occult and esotericism tradition, will be the hardest part to conquer, to defeat oneself.

It's hard to encounter who you really are, and not little, went mad because of it. So, yes, a wrong step here, will turn a person mad, literally mentally challenged, with no cure. Try it if you may, try to counsel a mad occult practitioner, some went mad due to their spells, some develop a megalomania symptoms, thinking they are gods and such, some simply end their lives, some practice perversions, like the all sensational A.S. back in the 90's, the 'dukun' who is better known as a serial killer with about 42 total known victims, all ladies ranging of age around 11-30.

The man, practice something akin to a vajra body spell, the kind of things making your physical body immune to harm, like bladed weapon, or even bullet.

There are many inkling in Indonesian occult belief, that a proper sorcerer will be immune to anything, and hence on they will be a powerful mystic healer.

Now, the man claimed that his deceased father came to him in a dream, telling him to collect 70 young women's saliva, all need to be deceased young women.

So, the madman killed his clienteles, to speed up the ritual, from 1986 till the date of his arrest somewhere in 1997, totalling around 42 women, possibly more.

This, is what happened when a practitioner unable to pass through his third obstacle, innate desires, making a sane mind unable to process logic with no possible way of return.

After the third obstacle, if you push further, your consciousness will meet your essence. Simply put, it's your first glimpse of what's inside your 'self', a first encounter with your soul.

A soul, is a vessel for mystery, because our soul came from God, it is capable to reproduce something superior, there is more to it, but let say, the soul, can induce a similar phenomenon that the layman called as magic.

So far, no satan, no demon, angels, ghost, deities or whatnots here. It's only a human soul showcasing it's dynamic potencies.

And that's the true path of spirituality.

But, it took a normal average human more than 10 years to awaken their inner mind, and maybe 10 more years until their first encounter after passing the third hurdle of meditation, that is the general trend from thousands of years statistics data recorded in many traditional occult.

So, human created gods out of needs, and gods granted human with power. 

This is the history of tribal shamanism theology which with years of cultural exchange and integrations, a proper crude religion is born.

The mesopotamian had their deities, you can find more like the epic of Gilgamesh, the oldest surviving mythology. And yes, it's the very first thing I read after officially pursuing magic.

Then after the Phoenician, Nile civilization brought their own interpretation of religion, crafting their version of pantheons, the Greeks brought Olympus into play soon after, simultaneously the Vikings brought their Nordic believe and Valhalla entered the scene. The Chinese brought Pan Gu, Nuwa, Fuxi, into their tribal religion, as the Indus civilization brought their Ganges River using Siva's hair from the outer cosmos.

All these big mythology came simultaneously, similar in storylines, different in final product and interpretation. So, at the same time, something behind the veil must be colluding to create these big confusions to Earth.

Satan and his angels playing an opera wearing masks and play pretend while dividing their roles as Zeus, Odin, Ra, Amaterasu, Jade Emperor, Vishnu, and whatever their name are.

Don't forget, we're only around, for at least 11 millenias already, so many things happened behind the scene. Making human so thick and crude and dull like this.

Human is rather busy gathering riches, fame, or busying themselves with conflicts, wars, playing house and playing kings.

That's why according to modern civilization popular ideology, I'm a weirdo, and according Christianity, I'm a heathen and a pagan.

I admit, that I studied other religions scriptures and literatures on the side.

Hence I know, and had a personal insight about those topics.

 philosophically speaking, if you understand their philosophy, you will understand their respective branchings of discipline. On what's on the front and also what's hidden behind the scene.

So I did.

Now, where was I? In the terms of awareness awakening.

Using all of the things I learned about mysticism, esoterics, occults, spiritualities, all combined together. I gained an insight, that can be explained from a Yahwehnian believer's perspective.

In theory, it's enough to enable me to reproduce something beyond simple causality law. In theory alone.

But, to be completely honest with you.

Magic, isn't simply as a hand gestures, wand waving, spell incantations alone.

That's not all, there are many more there is to it.

2 elements about the phenomenons we called magic, is needed before the phenomenon will be able to be produced in materials realm.

Omniscient, and omnipotent.

It's a hyperbole terminology actually.

Simply put, knowledge, and power.

You need proper knowledge for it to happen, of how magic is reproduced and how to reproduce it, including formulas developed though the ages about it. So, yes, some hidden literature exist about how-to's to magic.

And power.

It's not as simple as buying a toner cartridge for your printer to enable it prints something.

And surely not as easy as burning fuel to produce electricity either.

Hence most magic today, are demonic in essence. But real genuine magic that's untouched by demonic influence is rare.

I may not be the one and only know about this, but I simply know about it, no longer capable to do it.

Why?

When I quit, let's say.....

Wait, let me ask you a question.

How do you this, I escaped from satanic group, unscathed.

I'm only 14, or 15 back then. Think about it for a sec.

.....

Done?

Let me give you my answer.

As my long-winded ramblings before.

Of why I explained about the five bodies to a human beside their physical, mind and soul. There are also energy and bliss body.

The bliss body, is the body within a human soul, capable of powering magic.

And I, has no bliss body, no longer functioning.

To escape, I shattered my own magic vessel, when I attempting the suicide by ingesting poison, in the last moment before I fall unconscious on the middle room floor, on top my vomits, in the death and life struggle state, I did something inside my mind.

I'm quitting magic.

So i destroyed the hard-attained vessel for magic within me.

So, even if I wanted to, I cannot and won't be able to.

Good riddance isn't it?

This universe, work with one golden rule. Equivalent trade. It is the unspoken universal truth.

If you need something, you pay something of equal value.

It's not only applicable for our daily life, but to all things under the heaven.

I don't know who set the rule, but it exist.

To explain it simply, if you need to make a fire, a fuel is needed for it, and the cost of producing the fuel is paid for it.

How should I phrase it?

Let say it like this, in ancient times, a tree needs to die, dried up then you used the chopped logs to fuel the fire.

Nowadays we use butane burners, or some liquid petroleum gas.

Human drilled the seabed for oil and tapped the gases from earth. You see nothing about it?

Didn't you notice the heat nowadays? The worsening situation on our planet, the climate, the natural disasters, many things around, that came as price of this unnecessary harvesting the planet.

That's the best showcase for this equivalent trade rule.

Not today, but surely somewhere in the future, all human will pay the price for taking from Earth.

I'm sounding like a tree hugger now?

Let's catch some breath, and calm down for a bit. And I will continue someday.

It is just a rambling about nothing anyway.

So, till next time.

> >Read More

and once again, about abandonment...

9.34 am, 3rd of November.

I finished gnawing on my breakfast, while watching something on my phone, while waiting for Icik to return from the poultry vendor.

But my mind wander somewhere else while doing such.

I remembered about my past, and once again, about things happening during my childhood.

I'm really aware now that it's a big personal issue for me about abandonment.

My mom, who else if it's not about her.

The first thought is about the motorcycle that's currently parked at the side of the store terrace.

I keep the keys on the fridge beside me, while I seated on a blindspot if you see it from the street.

I don't know why I'm thinking about it while dozing off.

But I said internally, will I be able to catch a thief sneaking to grab the keys and made run of it?

Then it glimpsed on me, this scenery is pretty familiar.

I once did.

She, with whatever inside her mind, did that once on Sunday somewhere in the past few months before her last grand exit to Bali, which, also occurs on Sunday.

I heard her stopping on the front of the store, I heard the  stopping machine resounded from behind the door.

And she pauses for a few seconds before starting her motorcycle again and make a U-turn toward somewhere.

I don't know why, but I quickly jolted from my seat, opened the door, and chased her barefooted.

I managed to grab the backseat bar handle and stopped her.

It's a scene yes, but it was not a first.

Long before, back in my childhood.

A similar scene did happened.

I was 10, and she left me without reason while I'm still preparing myself. No reason no nothing, she just said previously that today's we're commuting with public transportation to A'i-po's place, so you prepare and then we go together. That's all. But she left suddenly without word of explanation.

The panicked chubby kid me, ran likey life depended on it to chased her. It's already 150 metres away from home when I caught her. I don't care that I'm buck naked at that time.

A question came to mind.

Why?

Why my mother is a neglecting mother, and an impulsive expert at it.

And why she is happy by choosing the abandoning card.

And lo and behold how it haunts me to this very day.

I'd be lying and a scam if I say I'm okay about it.

And I'll be a pathological liar to say that I can make peace with it easily and to forgive her for what she had done all of these years.

It's hard

It's painful

It's upsetting

And it sure never pleasant, nor a good childhood dreams come true.

It's horrible and it's a nightmare.

And I'm in pain about it.

Can you imagine how I feel?

Ask me then,

Do I hate her?

Not really, but it will be a lie to say that I didn't hate her at all, maybe a tiny little piece of hatred

But rather than hate, it will be more fit to say that I'm angry.

Do I continuously hate her?

No, only when the same thing and experience took place yes, but after that, I'll manage, I hope so.

Let us not forgetting her busying herself with cooking and she completely forgotten about the 1 years old me, walking all over using a baby walking cradle. She tied a string on the cradle and that's all.

The cradle flipped and a big stone turn into a pillow for my head to nest.

That's the mom that I know all about in my whole 34 years + 10 days.

And that's how painful it is to imagine how that impacts me with some intense years living with her under one household.

If Nana can say about her waiting for some plus hours after school until it's almost dark.

I'm not going to belittle her scar, but that's technicalities issue, they forgot about her due to misscomunication.

And maybe on her life, too, some similar experience did occurred to her from our mother's retrospective side.

But for me, mostly, more often than not, was done on purpose. She is completely aware of what she did and why she done that.

I shared a clip to Nana on IG some days ago.

A clip from Southern Thailand, a kid crying asking for something and his parents(perhaps, it's an older male), turned a filter on IG, and recorded the reaction.

It's a scary ghost thingies. And he did that to make the boy behave, by scare the sh*t out of this child.

As I translated their dialogue to Nana, that goes like this:

M: male(adult)

B: boy

The boy is asking something in local dialect, it's inaudible for me.

But what's clear to my ear is, when the phone's screen pointed to him, and the boy saw the scary ghost filter appearing behind him.

He uttered glua (scary, or simply 'I'm afraid in Thai)

M: here, greets them first.

B: sawadee krub (shaking with scared teary expression)

M: will you keep being naughty again?

B: No, I will not dare anymore...

M: Hah?

B: no, I won't do it again.

All the time the boy's eyes was glued to the screen due to fear.

Nana is absolutely against the use of fear inducing treatment to discipline kids.

So I know how bad and awful it took place on her.

My point of re-quoting this is, 

For the purpose of this story:

As you may or might not know already, I was (how do I say this?), rather unique, or different.

Without claiming to be special, I will blatantly explain, that my very eyes, can see supernatural beings.

It's the normal days for my kid me, to be able to see ghost.

Not because it's a paranormal activity occasion or a jumpscare situation.

If there is a ghost in the room, even if they aren't really trying to make themselves visible, I can see them.

Maybe that's why blood, gore, and some scary stuff no longer shake me.

It's pretty normal occurrence for me to see some bloddy or ghastly spectre.

I am completely unaware that what I saw is not visible to other, not until 6.

I thought it's normal for people to crawl on the floor with no leg from knee down, I thought it was normal for an eyeball to suddenly pop off from the socket.

That's until 6.

The kid that play with me in this new house, looks like some western kid, and while we play, his left eye fall from the socket. And yes, you bet, white and fat maggots crawling everywhere. And yes, you bet, I screamed to the top of my lungs.

Now, it's 7 or 8th years of age. And I was showering late at night.

My dad's still not returned home yet, Nana is already asleep in the bedroom.

And mom's is downstairs in the pantry, I don't know doing what.

But what I know, a face, gruesome face appeared behind the windowsill on the far end of the bathroom, it's the 2nd floor, and this face grinned scarily.

I quickly screamed calling for mom. "Mommy, mommy," but nobody answered, and she is nowhere to be found.

What I met is, the 1st floor lights was switched off, and she is sitting on the pantry, in the complete dark, with her eyes staring me, trying to scare me, unabated, completely still, as of she's not the mom I know.

And what you seen from the dialogue in the translated IG clip took place.

"Mommy, mommy, I'm sorry," etc. etc. I recalled saying to her.

And she make her voice sounds heavy to bring further fear.

Yes, as a child, I'm afraid of ghost, because I can see them all the time.

And old Chinatown in Padang is something else, they are everywhere becase there's plenty of old building, some centuries old shrines and so on.

The mom that I know, is some happy go lucky and abandoning mother.

She cared for her feelings as if she's the only victim, but completely unaware of any pain she caused her 3 kids.

And when things turned sour, she is very quick to have an affair, instead of turning to God.

This is no longer a humanitarian issue, nor a psychological issues.

It's only an issue due to nonexistent personal relationship with the One True God, not the imaginary superpower faraway land deity we tend to picture from heating church bench diligently on Sunday morning.

If Christianity only stopped until the end of onlygping to church, paying tithes, praying before and after sleep and before eating. It is not real.

The Jesus that such people know are only the Jesus from Nazareth, who feeds 5.000 men on the hill with 5 bread and 2 fish, who died on the cross, and ressurected on the third day, and 40 days later ascent to heaven.

That's all, finite.

But no, there is no true power in that kind of Christianity. No life transforming power from Bible reading then on such legalistic lifestyle of so to say "salvation"

But that, is how my parents raised in their church.

And that's the one quick to hell laid waste on earth of a marriage.

And that's the result we so deeply saddened nowadays due to sin groomed to maturity in a marriage of the so called 'Christian' household.

My dad is a heavy smoker, he smoke since the 3rd year of his middle highschool.

He is a well adept porn addict who thing nothing of a woman but an object of fantasy and pleasure, hence he treated my mom as a cow to ride. And make naughty vagabond with his female staffs or colleagues.

Hence he forced his peversion to my mom, and caused all of this peversion to this very end.

And my mom, is selfish and a hidden sexual fantasy addict.

It's quick to say yet easy to proof, due to the tons of Intisari books she so diligently collected in her personal library back in our home in Padang, not less than 40 monthly series, where some voyeur and erotic stories slipped in their monthly release.

How do I know?

Becaus I'm a bookworm myself, and I sure did read everything that had letters printed on it, all in my years living under their household.

So, yes, I read those books I stated, all of it, and got confronted by my dad because I read them for the voyeur and erotic stories, only to be defended by the owner, my mom.

While both are secretly porn addict according to each hobbies, one visual and sensual, one through fantasies.

Now, I'm laying this hidden dirty laundry out, and let you all judge them for me.

It is surely a laughing matter because I'm not better, I got to know porn since my 2nd years of elementary. A friend of Hansen, who becomey classmate in 3rd year, told us about his findings of his dad's porn stash. A VHR, which those kids played and warched to widen their vision of the world.

A things that I so struggle to conquer after my conversion to God. A personal sin that I sweat blood and tears to brought to the cross so it will be conquered through Jesus during my years of knowing God's Word.

If I personally can progress from my wickedness to this not so wicked heart, so much so that words came to life for me and the Jesus from the stories in the Bible suddenly come out from the Bible to lived in me, that I can claim I had a personal relationship with Him, a genuine and original relationship..

That's Christianity is all about and how that's all supposed to be,

But no, how I long for my family to also experiencing the similar joy I had found.

And lo, behold, how 18 years of conversion and personal struggles with God have transformed me, and how 44 years of legalism brought my parents to be how their lifes at present.

One secretly kept his cheating with his second wife stay in touch. How he spent times mostly watch her during he live session, how he only know how to stole money from the cashier.

And the other is happily on vacation in Bali for several months already, completely ignoring this ticking bomb of a marriage.

How can this be, and why is my family isn't like the other God obeying family.

Why does its the children that needs to suffer?

Why must the three of us their kids that is no longer kids, that need to cry our tears out to God in prayer for them, while they're so diligently hurting one another?

Oh why O'Lord?

> >Read More

about something embarrassing...

I only said this for the sake of retelling a story. First of all, I am not making myself as a victim, nor am I proud of what I've done. And even to this day I regret that I ever make such mistake.

November 1st, 2023, I started writing around 4.52 pm.

I was meditating just now, trying to calm down my mind by letting them subside when not given attention.

And it came to me, some memories resurfacing, of things I've done wrong.

And once again, especially about that darn book encounter in the bookstore.

About how I enthusiastically scribble the sigils back at home, light a candle and cast the incantations.

Why again and again they come back to me. I swear that I've quit for good, but why the temptation still pay me a visit every now and then, even after almost two decades.

So I prayed, asking forgiveness once again and rebuke the temptation in the name of Jesus.

And I return to meditating.

I'm not sure that I had told you about Danny, but, here we are, Danny is a good friend from senior highschool.

Danny is the friend that invited me to church, where the way back to Jesus is chanced upon me.

But before that, let me tell you about a way back in years hidden secret.

I was 6, or was it 7? Or 8? That's not really important.

What I'm assured of, is the place.

My parents does their monthly groceries shopping for toiletries and suchalikes in this particular store in Damar plaza, the miniature in scale of a shopping departure.

Damar plaza, is only 2 alleyways apart from home in Ujung Belakang Olo, it is the store that was attempted by the rioters as a looting target in 98's riot, only failed as the attempt was subdued by the use of tear gas by the military, and as the distance is really close to home, some escaping rioters found my house and hid inside the parking lot, behind the fence, as the police chased them.

Back at the story, I was 6 or 7, and I fancied this boxed drink, well, it's not a new story.

Y'all knew already that that Rp.1000,- boxed drink request wasn't granted.

So, this is what really happened back then.

At first I just hold the chrysanthemum tea drink, holding the carton packaging close to me.

But I don't know how, what I can remembered is, I broke the aluminium seal where you inserted the straw is.

And I drank the product.

Yes, it's stealing.

How much was it in today's currency? Rp.1.000,-? 6 cents in USD give or take.

It's not much to be honest, but I did feel guilty about it. Even to this very day.

The story, is about those hidden sin, those thievery be it on purpose, or by accident.

I admit, I'm a bad person, and I realised it now, that my heart was never clean since my first day on earth.

The Gameboy console my cousin had, I sneaked it inside my bag, just because I never had any.

I can only confess it and lived on with guilt in my heart.

I can even freshly remembered his expression and tone of speech when he called me thief with hatred in his breath when I returned the console a week later.

Game, is something forbidden in my household.

My mom's cousin, who once upon a time, lived with us for a time period, back in my 1st or 2nd grade elementary years.

Back then my dad is opening a thing similar to digital designer agency. 

So I do know what a Windows 95 pc looks like, and I too experienced the electric shock a PC power button typical for those era's pc did.

Okay, that uncle, installed games on the pc, and he even taught me how to insery a floppy disk and open the cmd and type the keyword to load the games 

Only for them to be uninstalled and thrown away by my dad the very night.

So, no, I didn't grow up with consoles. I don't know how does a Sega cassette games feels like, and surely never own anything be it Nintendo, or Ps, or whatever they be.

I only watch from the side, when my cousin played those game consoles that he doesn't even need to asked for but given by his dad so readily.

And that's, somehow become jealousy, and that jealousy, turn to this session of thieving. 

It's wrong and I know that.

But my heart bleeds about how does it feels back then, to not have any and can't help but compares what I had with what other's have.

And maybe that's the cause of my game addiction in teenage years. So much so that I skipped school only for playing games in some rentals.

I snort at how tragic and also pitiful this memory is, tragic because those games I played back then, I still had similar genre version in my phone.

A farming game, harvest moon, which no longer exist today, but I had stardew valley. Different, yet similar in gameplay.

Or Pokémon, well, I graduated from Pokémon, but I admit, back in senior highschool, I secretly installed games in my dad's notebook, and hid the games in utter secrecy in some misleading folder and I even got some vga emulator from Danny. Those years was Pokémon sapphire, crystal or whatever series they be during Pokémon golden eras.

Now, it's during my senior highschool years.

And this one, I can confess to you, I need to defense myself. I did it by accident.

I forgot the book title.

And this occurs in Gramedia.

As usual I spend my after-school hours in bookstores, if not in some net cafe playing Seal or PerfectWorld (mmorpg back then, yes Dota exist already, but I'm not a fan).

So, it's a book, a novel about some teenage stories, still, fantasy genres, filled with fairytale, magic and such.

I admit, I read Harry Potter, all 7 books, and also some companion books beside the novels.

That's back then, okay. I've burned the novels already. 

(Funny and also tragic, since I burned a fictional novels about magic while I did written a full in-depth grimoire about real magic in one of my other blogs [ I had several back in my highschool days], back in the days about real magic, how to, techniques, insights, knowledge, all that is inside my head, a perfect copy of it. sadly I long forgotten the address and the password to the blog, so it's still there somewhere. Please don't try to find it, promise?)

Where was I?

Yes, Gramedia, and the book is, initially, what I want to buy, but as I'm still browsing for other things, I put it i side my baggy pocket, I'm wearing a light brown cargo pants to mall, with side pocket big enough to hold a Bible on my knees pocket. So, I thought, let's put it there for later so I can use both hands to hold books and stuff.

By the time to pay, at the cashier, I forgot to submit that book. It's still in my pocket and I long forgotten it completely.

Only to realize it when I'm back at home, unloading my hauls, and found the thin novel book inside the right pocket.

Darn it... I don't know what to do, well back then I don't know.

But if it's today, I will return the next day, bringing the barcode sticker to pay for it. Which I did on daily basis nowadays, returning the next day to pay the misscounted item, despite it's the cashier fault nowadays and not mine.

That's how integrity is trained I suppose, not that I claim I'm a whole better person now.

I am not, it's just I lived on with guilty conscience and the burden made me more aware of how much damage I've caused by my past act.

And lastly, the embarrassment.

This time, it's rather a comedy drama.

I went to Daan Mogot, as usual, but with Danny, on week days.

Because he need to buy something, and so am I, my devotional booklet read for the next month release.

So, on the 2nd floor, where the Christian bookstore is, I went ahead and Danny followed suit.

What we didn't know is, two girls saw us from somewhere ahead.

It's unthinkable for an introvert like me to think this script for once, but it's wild, they asked Danny for personal contact number, not his, but mine. I still smirk my face like a duck and giggles in my head when I think of this.

So I run away.

It's literally a chasing scenario where I exited the store, after paying of course, and went to another story, only to be followed from behind.

So I went away again, and again, until they lost me.

Danny? He's long vanished to thin air.

Only to be found in Gramedia, we store our school bags there.

So he hid in one of the row of book shelves, leaving me to my fate.

My stretching my neck to find him, turns out brought up suspicion.

I was suspected for stealing.

Me and Danny was brought to the emergency exit, where we got questioned about and get probed for anything from the store.

Mind you, perhaps it's the drama of looking here and there that brought the suspicion, or was it my face recorded in the cctv some other day about that missing novel book.

But yeah, that one experience is an embarrassment, it's rather a humiliation instead of embarrassment to be truthful, but well, I did a mistake once there, and it's simply normal to get suspected.

Another one for the climax.

Fast forward to 2011.

It's last seminary years, and lastly, the last summer missionary trip.

It's not in Indonesia, but rather, Hong Kong.

Mind you, I had this old jacket, I worn for years, and maybe some months unwashed. The original color was dark green, but it's black of soot and dust when I'm in Hong Kong, yes I brought it, and wear black jacket like that on the middle of burning heat of summer days in Hong Kong.

After a return tram ride from Victoria park toward Causeway Bay, the last stop before returning to our hostel provided by the church somewhere in Queens road building.

I got stopped by men in blue uniform, some dress that I only saw from Stephen Chow movies. But suddenly 3 officer approached me, and as I am saying, I am Chinese in my ancestry, and this darn small eyes and facial features, mistaken me as locals. Good point if you asked me from another perspective, it means I can blend perfectly with locals. But not good in this situation. My Cantonese is whatever I can find from talking to the migrant workers from Indonesia in church that I served for a month, and it's only a week since I'm here. So, no, I can't speak Cantonese back then.

So I replied in English, and the officer, can't speak English.

While my other friends, is long gone ahead of me. They left me behind, unaware of the situation at their back.

As a civilized human, and moreover a tourist, I complied.

But the proceedings took too long and I'm soo lost in someone's country.

So, after some asking and answering with their broken English.

The problem is my choice of clothing articles. I was suspected initially as a drug smuggler. Lol 

Who wears black in this scorching 34°C summer?

Well, I did, it's hot, I know, but at least I'm not going to get tanned. And my goes to color in my wardrobe is always black since I prefer black most of the time.

So yeah, it's a funny one if you were in my shoes.

And I was this guy 180cm tall, weird tilted bowl haircut with this young look. Oh, mind me, I was 21 back then, so give me some space, I looked younger than my age and for my age with that funny haircut back then.

I did this daring manoeuvre for my thesis presentation, I forgot to cut my hair, and hair is one love hate topic in my campus back then. I once got chased by my dean, Mrs. Cecil, with scissors in her hands, because I'm always the one and only theological student with long hair, for a girl it's okay for sure, but I'm not a girl, wrong choice of reasoning she answered from behind me.

So yeah, it was a daring move of mine, I took a scissor from the kitchen and trimmed my hair to the barely acceptable standard of thesis presentation dress code.

So, to fix the damage, I asked the office-boy from campus, Rudy Hutabarat, God give rest for his soul.

I'm quite close with him as a friend back in those years, since I'm pretty much friends with the office staffs back then.

So, Rudy, trimmed the hair into whatever the resulting end that I wear to Hongkong.

Flat line around my head, only a small tilt on my left eye, a bit longer on that side by mistake.

Wait, I think I had a digital evidence for that, oh well, It's on Facebook, my Hk's mission trip album, I took a wefie with some girls from Chongqing international student program.

It's warm inside my heart when I reminiscing about things from the past.

Oh well.

I thought for myself that this might be an embarrassing topic and a down mood story, but I felt release in the end, and warm.

That whatever happened back then, took part in the play to make me like today. Not perfect still, and not even good enough. But at least I'm trying my best to be.

> >Read More