Doubts and Self Pities, a personal quest to love myself

Despite how I always presents myself, of how I normally appealed and presenting myself to other people, I am not exactly how I always depicted myself.

I always struggle with an enormous self doubt, constantly scrutinizing myself, and even moreso, I have a low self-esteem on top of all that.

During this past years, I began to see them clearer, about how myself real situation within. There are times, and I bet, they're plenty, where I cannot help myself to constantly return to some past experiences, memories from even years or perhaps decades ago, whereas I maybe did some blunder on my self, and can't help to commented on my own memories, about how I've done myself a humiliation, or something along the way.

I think I did share this with Nana, not explicitly explaining what and how I did which, but rather the effort I tried in order to calm my own nerves whenever those self doubting and self scrutinizing came to visit.

"In any way, I've done harm to someone else, be it through my words, my actions, and thoughts, I forgive myself, and may I continue to have an open heart."

The very first time this quotes stumbled upon me, I cannot help the tears. And I beckoned to myself time and times again to this day, telling myself, that it's over already and so should I, forgiving myself, and keep moving on.

Well, it sure is tiresome, being constantly under scrutiny. Moreover, those harmful doubts were self-inclicted.

Give me some rest please, me.. Come on...

And let's not forget about my self-esteem that seemed to be almost non-existent.

I may look toughened up and seemed to be ignoring things on the surface, but when I'm back with myself, there came the long winding self doubtings and may other negative emotions. Oh dear me...those breakdowns sure are plenty back in those days.

....

I struggle to focus on things plenty of time, and maybe in times I fails to give a correct reaction to the situation.

As most youth back in my day, a young person felt as if they know everything, my head is bigger than the sky. And I think I can manage everything, more than so, I know the Word of God, I'm a Christian.

Oh the 'I'm so great' toxicity...

Back in highschool, I think back in those days around a year or so after my born-again journey, those days sure are transforming for an ex-occults now becoming aware of God's graces and love for me.

But this stumbling block of 'i'm so great' disease is still there at that time.

A friend of mine, an ex classmate, is diagnosed with gigantism and having a physical deformity. For years, this friend that I only know as a passerby, yet at the same time is also a friend that goes to the same church with me, seemed to be a funny person with a high self-esteem.

Then came this year, where he lost his dad due to illness. That friend of mine seemed to be struck different ever since. He become even more reclusive, and since we went to different class, not much were known about him.

During the last year of highschool, during our school 3rd year graduation trip, that friend showing symptoms of ptsd. 

At those time, ptsd isn't really a thing, and not much is given as concern about the mental health issues.

My 'oh I'm so great' stricken younger me, thinking that I'm a born-again Christian filled with the annointing of Holy Spirit, I might be able to help.

The friend in concern, is barricading himself in the hotel's bathroom.

While his roommate tried to coax him to exit the bathroom, I slip in, and try to pursue him.

I'm a monster. That's how I see myself.

The effort turns out to be futile, and even worst, I got into a rage due to some provocation of him, and accidentally hit him.

Years passed by, I'm in seminary already, and heard the news, that this friend, passed away. Little is known about the cause since most news were kept under secrecy by the friend that break the news.

What I learn from the rest of the news is, that around a year after graduating, that friend, were submitted to mental institute, by his very brother and mother, whom left him to his final end there.

Our friend which isn't necessarily having mental ailment in the first place, felt so out of place and rage toward his family, and around a year or two afterward, he 'passed' away, and speaking of which, later on, another close friends of his uttered under a whisper, tragically by taking a deliberate act of 'un-aliving' himself.

How broken am I and my big head at that day, despite years later I know that it's not necessarily me, but I felt this deep guilt that made me believe during that night on the hotel bathroom, I somehow might contribute to his desperation and tiredness to his heart, as if my haughtiness causes all of this avalanche by doing the initial push years back.

I truly am a monster.

....

As you see this far, I struggle to love myself.

And I tends to chastise myself, thankfully not to the ends of harming myself physically, but yet, the cause and underlying issues similar to that reasonings are there.

I'm almost 34 this year, and I became Christian somewhere around my 15th.

For almost 19 years, have I been harsh, and ever so increasingly harsher toward myself.

Even to this day, I struggle to love myself, the reasons not to were plenty, but the truth that God loves and forgives me seems to be not that strong enough of an argument, despite in my heart I can simply say that God's love and forgiveness should be the higher priority, but still it's hard to walk the talk.

"It's hard to love the God that is invisible."

Loving God doesn't stop at going to church weekly, reading Bible everyday, singing praises and worship from time to time, nor having a good attitude toward the Gospel and suchalikes.

Loving God is also done by living our daily life, in honor of God, so much so, that God be glorified in and throughout our life, especially, by living fully to the utmost possible way that God be glorified, in this particular case, let's start simply by the basic, loving myself, or self forgiveness, and self-love.

And that, where I struggle the most, making me sometimes uneager and too afraid to ask forgiveness after I sinned, and to raise myself up after I hit rock bottom.

I cannot give you any pragmatic solution nor even a tiny bit of answer here, because I myself still struggle to find the answer to it.

But I can't really say that I've done this and that, tried this or that, all to no avail, still. I did, tried and tried even more, and still failed. Because the truth is, the power isn't mine, and with my own power, a failure is a guarantee for sure, because without Christ, I am simply a dried branch, won't producing any fruits.

So, I return to God daily, for Him to renew His strength in me, and that He renewed my heart so I can once again raises after another day of self-battering and tormenting doubts and accusations.

Whomever in Christ is a new creation, as it is written.

The old has passes on, and the new has dawned, the quote goes on.

Mind can simply agree to that, as the verse isn't really hard to believe, but heart struggles daily to agree to it, as heart tends to embrace the pain of self-torture and barrages of chastising.

So, here is where I took off,

Leaving you all hanging with no real answer.

I'm sharing my burden, that I am far from good enough, and I will never be perfect, despite all those pleasantries I presented, all those stuffs I filled my head, those big knowledge that had not even worth a speck of it's weight in accord to heaven standard, those are simply a lie, an illusion, a white paste of paint covering my deep-hidden embarrassment and self-doubts, of how fragile I truly am.

I am weak, I am fragile, 

None of my work bear fruits, but I know God is faithful.

As long that I bear my cross and depends on Him, I trust that He will renew my heart, and renew how I see the pain differently.

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Yet another entry, of how I came to term with a new 'alias' for myself

Hello again world...

I believe it was last year I post my previous entry.

Without me realising it, it's almost a full year since the last entry.

Nothing much happening, it's just life that happened, while I'm still the same old me.

I'm an uncle now, that's an inevitable fact for one, my sis Nana gave birth to this pretty and healthy baby girl.

She borrowed my 'alias' for her baby's name.

Kind of a personal mixed feelings for me to know that now another person is using my alias for life.

Well, if you may, the alias I made for myself is Zeraphyne.

A borrowed word from Hebrew language for addressing certain higher ranking in the hierarchical angelic beings, the seraphims.

The Seraphims, are one of the highest ranking angels in the heavenly angelic realms, like the Archangel Michael, or Gabriel or the Catholic canonised angels like Raphael and other high ranking angels, even the fallen Luciel is originally a seraph, he is best known today as Lucifer.

But enough about that particular being, we're not focusing about that entity in this entry.

Seraphim, or seraphs are best described in Scripture from  the vision of prophet Isaiah (Isaiah 6:1), where Isaiah saw the sky unfolding and out came angelic beings with six wings, two were used to cover their face, two wings covering their feet, and the last pair used to fly. The angels cried "Holy, Holy, Holy, LORD of Host, the whole earth is full of His glory."

According to their literal translation, seraph, or saraphs (the Hebrew spelling), mean "burning one", another translation for it, is "serpen".

The writing in Hebrew are as such: שׂרָפַים (serafim) or שָׂרָף‎ (saraph-singular form)

Of how a seraphim changed into zeraphyne, is all on my intentional invention part. From שׂרָפַים into ‎ֶזֹרָפַים (serafim into zerafim)

I change the character tsin (ש) into zayin (ז) by my own.

In Kabbalah tradition, the word zayin can be translated as weapon. But that's not my intention by changing tsin into zayin.

My purpose of using zayin instead of tsin, is the numerological meaning according to Kabbalah, making tsin into zayin, because zayin also have meaning and purpose as everlasting. Making the makeshift translation into "everburning one", with a personal prayer behind the change, making myself as a person that always have a burning passion to serve the Lord.

A bit of a stretch, yes I know and I admit it as my part of mistake, but yes I intended to use that name as how I address myself deep within.

Yes, I believe I've told you all about my real given name, Joshua, and of how I saw myself in that name, I felt pressured by my own name, hence I change my name for myself at least.

By changing how I internally address myself, is not my demonstration act of rebel to be honest, but rather as a way of me seeking comfort of mind for myself.

Maybe I forgotten it or maybe I've told you before in my previous, previous, I don't know which post to be sure myself. But, yes, I don't find comfort in my own household, my innermost circle, my family.

Yes, my father is abusive, yes my mother is neglecting mother, but that's not it.

Maybe I've told this before, that I was conceived out of wedlock, and my parents are somewhat 'forced' to marry and cope and trapped within this marriage.

I'm not licking my own wound and having a pity party by again quoting this. But I still can't help myself to notice it even till this very day, that I somehow seemed to be the stranger within the family, as if I was labelled as the bad egg.

I cannot help to notice of how my parents treat me different from the rest of my siblings, and that's fine actually, just it linger somewhere from time to time inside my head during my weakest moments, of how I know that it's nobody fault that I was treated like such, and I don't actually blame anybody for it, yet it saddens me at times.

Somewhere in my adolescent years, maybe I was 14th, maybe somewhere around that age, I come to know of the other side.

The world we lived in, is simply categorize into two sides, the bright side, and the dark side, well, I've come to dine and have a few date with the dark side, I'm talking in parable here, note my hint if you may.

Yes, the Joshua from the past, is a person who has delved his fingers in the art of the occult, I came in contact with some groups consciously worshipping the antithesis of light. I've also further my practice quite diligently to gain the so called 'supernatural knowledge' and I can say that I'm quite adept at it if I may say it humbly.

Hence, I came to hesitate to my birth name, since I used the name Joshua as an occult in my past, when I came into the light side, when God forcibly drag me to His side, when I encounter my first love in Him, I cannot help to despise my old name, my legal and birth given name.

That's my reason for creating the new name for myself.

I can sanely say that I've fallen hard head over heels by God's love for me, of how suddenly the passages of the scripture suddenly came out to life in my head after I met the truest Light, and that's what drove me to be 'crazy' in love with God. For that, is a story to be tell in the future, I cannot promise it yet, but it's for another day okay, (ps: if I can remember my promise in the future, then I'll write another entry about it)

Returning to the story behind seraphims and how and why Zeraphyne.

According to Bible scripture, seraphims are Angels that serve the Lord, they get the honor to worship God directly, they are like the cherubs, but even more special than ordinary cherubs.

That's how I came to build a name based on the name seraphim, with a little bit of my personal twist to makeshift a new name for me.

A little bit trivia, the passage from Isaiah 6:1-7 is the very first passage that I used for my very first devotional preaching in my seminary class.

Maybe because I make a name based from that passage, or maybe that passage initially resonate within my soul so much so that I made my very first devotional sharing from that passage.

The devotional goes as such.

From verse 1-7 we met with a situation, the calling of Isaiah to be a prophet.

The described story are as such, Isaiah saw a vision, that God is sitting on a high throne and the end of His robe is covering the Holy Temple of Solomon, and Isaiah saw angels, the Seraphims, flying here and about above God's throne, they are crying loudly from one to another among themselves the seraphims, "Holy, Holy, Holy, LORD GOD of hosts: the whole earth is full of His glory."

Then in that very vision, Isaiah saw the glory of God manifesting that caused the posts of the temple door shook and tremble heavily, and out came smoke filling the temple all around, smoke everywhere.

The very first reaction of Isaiah, is fear.

He said, woe is he, that he is undone, that he is unclean, his lips are tainted and suchs.

The next verse recorded that one seraph flew down and bring a burning coal on his hand, which was taken using tongs from the altar.

In Old Testament it was explained that the altar within the Temple is kept burning forever ever since the day of the Camp of Tabernacle, since the days of Moses, and the burning altar, with all attributes about is, is state as 'Holy', and having a capability of consecrating other objects.

And a burning coal, is what the seraphim used to touch Isaiah's lips, consecrating his lips.

My point in quoting that passage, was the natural reaction of humankind when they first met the truest presence of God, fear.

Isaiah suddenly remembered his sinful nature, of his mistakes.

You see, God is Light, He is the very definition and source of Light itself, and when we, sinful creation of His that long forgotten what it is to be in the Light, met this very presence, it is the utmost honesty to our sinful and fallen nature for us to react in fear, for our God is also an all consuming fire, to be honest with you, nothing stands before Him, nothing can survive His presence, that's why He sustained us with His mercy at the same time, that we might lived yet another day to tell the world of His glory. But that's another totally different topic to discuss another day.

You see, as if an invisible separating line were to be drawn out into existence, that God is over the other side with all of His grandeur and everburning glory, and us sinning human were on the exact opposite of God, with our disgusting sinful nature, so dark and completely blind by our diligently sinning top notch talent, so much so, we are completely ignorant and unable to by our own initiative, to realise that God is Holy, even more so, unable to come into realisation out of ourself and by ourself to come closer to God's side, none of such with of sinning nature. That's how low human has fallen short from God, so astray, broken and suffering.

And when the presence of God suddenly unfolds before us, we intuitively and instantly feared this very presence. 

For things in this world exist in two exact opposites, that is a universal truth for sure.

Light and Darkness cannot intermingle nor they combine to create a grey zone. None of such, it's was our sinful and utmost humane nature to overcomplicate things and creating many grey arguments, and that's also another truth for my opinion.

When Light came before us, of course we suddenly aware of our nature, for Light unveils every darkness, where there is light, the darkness were stripped bare with nowhere and nothing to hide anymore.

The same is for Isaiah, and so is for us, every human being.

But you see, God is merciful, he reveals all of His glory, we realised our sins, and we are sorry and afraid for our sins, then He poured His grace of forgiveness in the next turn of moment.

That's the case for the God of Bible that I know, and that's what help me to see myself in a better perspective.

Oh how I sinned and sinned in my ignorant false diligence in my younger years, 

Oh how I still laments my younger self to be so stupid and utterly moronic for holding hands with darkness.

But the God of the Bible that reveals Himself to me after I took a stupid decision to attempt un-alive-ing myself is also a merciful God, that He sees me eyes to eyes, and what He saw is beyond my darkest and utmost wickedness. I believe God is the God of second chance, the third and fourth, and the 'n' number of chances, that in His great and long-lasting enduring patience, He gave me another hope to lived on, a new cause to keep breathing, and another day to bear his holy burden, my daily cross, while he sustains my faith, renewed my heart, strengthens my soul to seek Him more and more. That His mercy is bigger than my darkest past mistakes.

That even this very person with a wicked black-hearted such as me is forgiven in Him.

As to my dark past and this sudden turn of tide in my life, I suddenly responded differently to Bible scriptures, a bit much too passionate if I may say, let say, the scripture verses suddenly come to live before my renewed mind, I met my first love, God Himself, and that newfound God-given passion is working at the same time with regrets.

Then the passage came in one of my morning devotional reading, the part where a seraphim brought burning holy coal to 'clean' Isaiah's lips resonates within me.

And I pray and pray, and I pray even more, and secretly that name, with my still fresh as if yesterday prayer for that name, is a prayer for God to make me to even more passionate to seek Him, like an ever burning coal. 

In my regrets, and also a way of finding comfort of mind, that's how that name came into existence.

That's how I came to term of that name, Zeraphyne, with my small footnote, hoping to be forever having a burning passion to seek God, to serve Him, not for money, nor fame, or any human recognition nor any entitlement, simply hoping that if one day God reminded about me, I hope that He is smiling to Himself when He thinks of me. That is what I truly hope and deem as a worth-it case, even if my weak and feeble mortal body will one day cease to exist and perish into nothingness.

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