I always struggle with an enormous self doubt, constantly scrutinizing myself, and even moreso, I have a low self-esteem on top of all that.
During this past years, I began to see them clearer, about how myself real situation within. There are times, and I bet, they're plenty, where I cannot help myself to constantly return to some past experiences, memories from even years or perhaps decades ago, whereas I maybe did some blunder on my self, and can't help to commented on my own memories, about how I've done myself a humiliation, or something along the way.
I think I did share this with Nana, not explicitly explaining what and how I did which, but rather the effort I tried in order to calm my own nerves whenever those self doubting and self scrutinizing came to visit.
"In any way, I've done harm to someone else, be it through my words, my actions, and thoughts, I forgive myself, and may I continue to have an open heart."
The very first time this quotes stumbled upon me, I cannot help the tears. And I beckoned to myself time and times again to this day, telling myself, that it's over already and so should I, forgiving myself, and keep moving on.
Well, it sure is tiresome, being constantly under scrutiny. Moreover, those harmful doubts were self-inclicted.
Give me some rest please, me.. Come on...
And let's not forget about my self-esteem that seemed to be almost non-existent.
I may look toughened up and seemed to be ignoring things on the surface, but when I'm back with myself, there came the long winding self doubtings and may other negative emotions. Oh dear me...those breakdowns sure are plenty back in those days.
....
I struggle to focus on things plenty of time, and maybe in times I fails to give a correct reaction to the situation.
As most youth back in my day, a young person felt as if they know everything, my head is bigger than the sky. And I think I can manage everything, more than so, I know the Word of God, I'm a Christian.
Oh the 'I'm so great' toxicity...
Back in highschool, I think back in those days around a year or so after my born-again journey, those days sure are transforming for an ex-occults now becoming aware of God's graces and love for me.
But this stumbling block of 'i'm so great' disease is still there at that time.
A friend of mine, an ex classmate, is diagnosed with gigantism and having a physical deformity. For years, this friend that I only know as a passerby, yet at the same time is also a friend that goes to the same church with me, seemed to be a funny person with a high self-esteem.
Then came this year, where he lost his dad due to illness. That friend of mine seemed to be struck different ever since. He become even more reclusive, and since we went to different class, not much were known about him.
During the last year of highschool, during our school 3rd year graduation trip, that friend showing symptoms of ptsd.
At those time, ptsd isn't really a thing, and not much is given as concern about the mental health issues.
My 'oh I'm so great' stricken younger me, thinking that I'm a born-again Christian filled with the annointing of Holy Spirit, I might be able to help.
The friend in concern, is barricading himself in the hotel's bathroom.
While his roommate tried to coax him to exit the bathroom, I slip in, and try to pursue him.
I'm a monster. That's how I see myself.
The effort turns out to be futile, and even worst, I got into a rage due to some provocation of him, and accidentally hit him.
Years passed by, I'm in seminary already, and heard the news, that this friend, passed away. Little is known about the cause since most news were kept under secrecy by the friend that break the news.
What I learn from the rest of the news is, that around a year after graduating, that friend, were submitted to mental institute, by his very brother and mother, whom left him to his final end there.
Our friend which isn't necessarily having mental ailment in the first place, felt so out of place and rage toward his family, and around a year or two afterward, he 'passed' away, and speaking of which, later on, another close friends of his uttered under a whisper, tragically by taking a deliberate act of 'un-aliving' himself.
How broken am I and my big head at that day, despite years later I know that it's not necessarily me, but I felt this deep guilt that made me believe during that night on the hotel bathroom, I somehow might contribute to his desperation and tiredness to his heart, as if my haughtiness causes all of this avalanche by doing the initial push years back.
I truly am a monster.
....
As you see this far, I struggle to love myself.
And I tends to chastise myself, thankfully not to the ends of harming myself physically, but yet, the cause and underlying issues similar to that reasonings are there.
I'm almost 34 this year, and I became Christian somewhere around my 15th.
For almost 19 years, have I been harsh, and ever so increasingly harsher toward myself.
Even to this day, I struggle to love myself, the reasons not to were plenty, but the truth that God loves and forgives me seems to be not that strong enough of an argument, despite in my heart I can simply say that God's love and forgiveness should be the higher priority, but still it's hard to walk the talk.
"It's hard to love the God that is invisible."
Loving God doesn't stop at going to church weekly, reading Bible everyday, singing praises and worship from time to time, nor having a good attitude toward the Gospel and suchalikes.
Loving God is also done by living our daily life, in honor of God, so much so, that God be glorified in and throughout our life, especially, by living fully to the utmost possible way that God be glorified, in this particular case, let's start simply by the basic, loving myself, or self forgiveness, and self-love.
And that, where I struggle the most, making me sometimes uneager and too afraid to ask forgiveness after I sinned, and to raise myself up after I hit rock bottom.
I cannot give you any pragmatic solution nor even a tiny bit of answer here, because I myself still struggle to find the answer to it.
But I can't really say that I've done this and that, tried this or that, all to no avail, still. I did, tried and tried even more, and still failed. Because the truth is, the power isn't mine, and with my own power, a failure is a guarantee for sure, because without Christ, I am simply a dried branch, won't producing any fruits.
So, I return to God daily, for Him to renew His strength in me, and that He renewed my heart so I can once again raises after another day of self-battering and tormenting doubts and accusations.
Whomever in Christ is a new creation, as it is written.
The old has passes on, and the new has dawned, the quote goes on.
Mind can simply agree to that, as the verse isn't really hard to believe, but heart struggles daily to agree to it, as heart tends to embrace the pain of self-torture and barrages of chastising.
So, here is where I took off,
Leaving you all hanging with no real answer.
I'm sharing my burden, that I am far from good enough, and I will never be perfect, despite all those pleasantries I presented, all those stuffs I filled my head, those big knowledge that had not even worth a speck of it's weight in accord to heaven standard, those are simply a lie, an illusion, a white paste of paint covering my deep-hidden embarrassment and self-doubts, of how fragile I truly am.
I am weak, I am fragile,
None of my work bear fruits, but I know God is faithful.
As long that I bear my cross and depends on Him, I trust that He will renew my heart, and renew how I see the pain differently.
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