last confession to spill, I promise

In my pursue of finding peace of mind, and also my long awaited desire of finally healed from my past painful memories, that's the fittest answer for this past years confessions.

It was said, that if you can jote down your problem, then the problems is already half-solved.

So, I'm doing this past 2 years of being honest to my pains, and accepted those feelings and see them as the way it is, with no facade and plain arguments to try justify them, of why they should be and how they intented to be, just laying the facts bare, plainly before me.

In hope, when I get to finally understand where things gone wrong, I might grow better and know how to act better in the future.

I've told you already my reader, about how I was abused physically by my Dad, that my whole childhood is filled with blackened and blue face because my Dad is easy with his hand and kicks that he granted me those disciplining barrage of physical abuse.

And of how my mother is emotionally unavailable most of the time during my childhood and early puberty.

Now, is the time for my biggest kept secret and my most embarrassing hidden past to come out from their hiding place, so I may finally be free of guilt and shame, and pained no more.

As a child, I was devoid of love showcases, no emotional support, nor any physical act of love were given to me.

You can surely say, and you might also be correct if you said that I grow lacking love, and as a result my self-image or how I should see my identity and how to better embrace myself and giving the love that my child me is missing from the bigger picture.

I grow up in a big question mark in my subconscious, of why I was born, and how I should lives on, all the while confused with all the emotional storm I experienced while growing, never really understood what kind of emotions was there, and why they made me felt what, and how I should react with that spilled emotions.

I'm a monster if I'm not good enough, that how I best described how my teenage me described the sensations and confusing thoughts that jumbled over me all those years, never really understand what is love, what is kindness, what is good, what is noble, what is guilt, what is mercy, and so on, and so forth.

As if a parrot, parroting the dialog and human speeches, but never in their whole live understand what are the meaning behind those words of human languages they parroting, I grow to be a mimic, copying from others of how I should react in this case, and how to reply in other situations, yet the gist of the problem weren't really fixed yet.

I know how to get mad when someone crosses me wrongly, I know how to properly react without turning into a savage, and I know how to better talk the arguments so the problem can be solved without many issues. But they weren't really of how I saw and not really out of my own understanding of the situation.

That was the teenage me thought of process.

And some of my teenage me, is still here today, in some extent of form and manifestation in some cases.

___

Let's stop the heavy topic there, and continue about the identity topic more.

As I stated just now, I grow up confused, about almost everything, and that doesn't come to be an issue, not until I was in seminary.

Being fatherless while your biological is alive and kicking and still lives under one roof with you sure is a dilemma on its own side.

And as Christian, it become problematic, because God revealed Himself as the Father figure, and it's even harder to build a relationship with God, even more so, you're going to seminary, meaning, you are preparing to equip yourself with the proper attitude and knowledge to better serve God, being a man of religion, a clergy, a servant of God.

How can you reveal God is good if one never really experienced God? How can one know that God is the good Father, while they struggle to know God as a Father?

That's my struggle back than.

Introducing you, with a person that claimed to be a servant of God to the stage now.

A friend of mine, that I saw as a spiritual sister, introduced me to this person. That he is a preacher, a missionary, that spent his years serving the Lord in the middle of nowhere in Papua region, building schools for poverty stricken kids, and many other humanitarian goodness there.

To me, she introduced with good intent, that this person, is married, but didn't have any biological child, that's why this couple so and so, quote and quotes, "adopt" kids as their spiritual children, and most majority were child with problematic family background.

For almost a year I become to know this "Papa" and begin to see him as the father figure that I never had before.

So far is so good, because, even more, he eagerly provide me with tuition aid to pay for my seminary semester tuition.

That, until one day, he came to Jakarta, for a ministry, a church invite him to preach.

I went once, and somehow 'fallen' to this image of good servant of God he showed. No hidden meaning were intended in this statement so far.

That, until, the second time meeting him, and once again, another ministry of his, with a little twist afterward.

To me, he stated that he is going to the airport the next morning, as it is late already, why not joined him to stay overnight at his place, 'don't worry, there will be other brothers there' he added.

Those brothers he mentioned was his other 'adopted' sons, which during the 2 hour get-to-know them, the gist are they are like me, fatherless child, while their biological dad still living together, but they grow lacking a father's love.

The still unsuspecting me, was called to join this 'papa' in his room, we talked for quite a while.

Then,

He molested me.

I was awaken during my slumber, to his hand creeping all over, which stopped because he noticed me awaking. 

I was barely able to hold it, somewhere over a new environment, no smartphone to book some online cab to run away, while I surely aware of his other 3 to 4 sons staying downstairs.

I kept my silence out of fear the whole night, staying awake as much as I could, then the next morning, he offered me a cab ride with him to my parents house, which I ask him to let me on the sideway, lying that my house is across the street away, but the truth is I brought him to wrong address, then went home by myself after his cab left.

This is my biggest dark past, the one thing that become a stumbling block for me, that leaving me further broken apart.

If you're in my shoes, I don't have a happy childhood, and was a child abuse survivor. I must cope and make do with my traumas and thankfully to God I met Him and felt deep down that He called me to serve Him, and to my best knowledge, I willingly enter a seminary, learning pastoral theology.

Then this new stranger hiding behind the face of a father figure, turns out to be a sexual offender, and I'm not his only victim, turns out he was once suspended from ministry for a few years back, but he came out clean and back to ministering. He even still quite a big figure till this very day. Hence why I didn't put any idenfier to his character in this entry.

What are the repercussions of this occurrence?

Firstly, I troubled to find and 'fix' this father figure issue, and that dragged on for years if not decades for me.

Second, I finish my seminary years, but I was a bit reluctant to be servant of God, joining no ministry nor churches at all.

And lastly, my identity crisis worsen, and further confusion after confusion came through the years

This following statement of mine might not politically proper to the world agenda nowadays about the alphabet's group, the l,g,b and t society.

Orientation, in this case, sexual orientation, was not made from birth. Mine is triggered by this shameful past, that darned molestation is what left a deep scar and painful memories.

I am bisexual, as I still find myself able to be attracted toward the opposite gender, but at the same time, the attraction toward same gender is there simultaneously.

As how I finally came to term with it, is when I finally came out of my closet to Nana. She was understanding and have a heart big enough to contain her brother biggest secret.

Sure, yes, I am aware of the attraction toward man my age, no, not older, as that creep is older, so it become a traumatic experience to me.

But, no, I don't date men, nor further the urge so it came into any fruition. Meaning, I never try to find any meetup nor dates, and progressed the urge further.

That's how I try my best to keep myself under constant check.

And finally, how I project my future effort of sin-battling as I know homosexual isn't Biblical, and no bigotry enter the heaven.

I vowed the celibacy vow, on my own accord, making a promise on my self to God, after constantly praying for it for years.

When I'm 28, I vowed to God on my last day being 28, a day before my 29th birthday, I told God, that I know of this urge of finding company from the same gender, an intimate kind of company, and I know it's a sin, that should not come to any fruition. So may God be my sole strength so I never try to find dates, nor any inappropriate act that is not according to the Bible, and to be safe, I'm vowing to spend my life in celibacy, not to marry nor intermingle with other sexually.

So far, it's been 5 years of hard road to threaded upon, but I know God is faithful and He heard my desperate cries.

I didn't get to follow my sinful nature into fruition, in emphasis of being a bisexual on top of that.

Despite growing in a Chinese household, where those nosy aunties of mine kept asking me when am I going to give my Mom a daughter in law, I repeatedly answered of my vow of keeping a pure life.

Then, that's it, the darkest secret is out in the open now.

May I be free of burdens that hindered me be healed of my painful past, may I be finally be able to forgive myself, and may I be a better lover of Christ, through the years to come, may I grow wiser and better in my faith, so I can proudly said that God has been good to me through my years, and He sustained my heart so much so, that still stand through His mercy in me.

> >Read More

Untitled

I noticed, and I bet you all noticed them too, that my post for these past years are rather gloomy and depressing.

Well, I tell you why.

I am clinically depressed.

Well, not using a fancy term to self diagnose-ing myself here. I did seek help and got assessed by professional once.

And here's the secret twist of it.

I refused medication and treatment, meaning, I discontinue the help given to treat my diagnosis.

And I don't know myself why.

Maybe on one way or another, I held the false beliefs, or rather the pretense that depressions is a result of not praying enough.

Well, they were wrong and I know myself about it. I know and I can even write you a long thesis about why clinical depression is not a result of not praying enough, I might be able to compile you with 300 doctrinal and other quotes from most notorious theological figureheads even if you may. 

But that's not it.

.... 

Gee, it's getting awkward, and I'm dragging my line here, my mind is blank at the moment.

Lately I got trouble focusing on things, that's for one reason why. 

My depression progresses even further, is another reason.

Kinda complicated and I know sanely enough of how and what to do, but I just won't, and I don't know myself quite well why.

....

Somewhere around the end of 2019, I noticed myself that there were episodes where I get gloom, and withdraw from crowds, to the extent of hindering me doing some daily routine.

You see, I'm a Christian, and a quite serious born-again, mind-renewed, sin-battling kind of Christian, that not a mere label I adress myself with in my conscious mind I believe.

And you also might see, that I was drawn toward occultism or rather the fancier terminologies, the 'art of mental awareness' and also the 'science of awakening the soul'

That's a lot for fancy and elusive way to describe an occult paradoxical view.

But yes, I'm confessing that I still meditate like the Eastern meditation way, and also at the same time, as how I read from Nana's IG story, about ps. Rick Warren's today devotion, 'rumminating' the bible.

What I'm trying to say here is, that I was training my mind and self-consciousness, to be in a constant state of certain 'awareness'

And in that perspective, my defence is, that I'm not practicing magic and spells and stuffs, but rather the capacity to having mental clarity is my ideal way of progressing my daily life.

If other people say that we need focus to do task done, I saw it further, that is to understand the progress of focusing while doing the job done.

So, I try not only to focus on what I was doing on the day, but also desire to understand the progress of thought that were in play at the time I'm focusing, and that helped me a lot, yet unbeknownst to me, also tiring.

So, my meditating for 5 to 12 minutes, and not so average on daily basis routines, is a way for me to harness my mind clarity, so I can be a tad bit more alert and aware of things on my surroundings.

A bit vague huh?

Lemme put on my example for you.

You see, my previous office were beside the office complex, and not much going there, only sounds from cars and vehicles roaring beyond the sound-insulated windows, and maybe keyboards ticking by other workers,

While my office is the furthest back and I work alone in mine.

At the same time, my 'elevated' awareness make me sensitive to all things occuring around me, meaning, I still hearing footsteps of people walking the stairs, from the next building. Or pipe rattling in-between the walls, and people upstairs chatting when they speak louder, and, or when a big vehicle's exhaust roaring on the street + 40 meters across from my office room, and I can follow the sound from the street end-to-end, spanning a few hundreds of meters down the road. That's only from picking the sounds, not to say, the temperature, the vibrations on the glass walls, and suchalikes, you can say my five senses are working on a higher performance during my 'elevated' awareness.

That's why, noises, when they were too many, irks me, so much so, that's why daily on average I just plugged my ear with an earphone, with nothing playing on it, just to muffle the noise down a bit.

I never know that all of those noises are also a burden and could be tiresome, until one day, the sudden realisation that I'm clinically depressed.

And not to say, some overworking and occupational stresses, and lastly the situation from back home, meaning, my family situation.

All of those stuffs, were pent-up and stacking to form a huge mountain, and I'm overwhelmed, suddenly one day waking up not being able to do anything.

....

I'm staying at the office a few years since I'm returning from Solo, back to my office in Jakarta. By which, is another reason for feeling ashamed of, before I rent a 'flat' a two room space and stay with Nana.

I got moved to Solo somewhere around 2017, because at that time I'm working as a clergyman in the accounting department, my workload at that time doubled up with me being an audit staff at the same time.

The work description at that time, is recording the transaction of a company, which isn't the company I'm working for, I mean, my company, is a family run business, and that cursed paperwork, are a kind of paper company likewise, while the transaction were real, run in a store belonging to my boss's sibling, the paperwork of financial statement isn't.

That's not tax evasion, my supervisor said, but rather a 'management', so they still paying taxes, but not the correct number, because there were item's from taxes categories being switched here and there to and fro, so much so, the number were unchanged at all, but rather the final tax being paid isn't really in the proper fees.

Then the next year came along, where I got promoted to do accounting for another family run company owned byy boss's father, a catering business, which, with all due respect, isn't really transparent because it's a family run business once again.

How do you feel, received a receipt from a bag purchase, from a notorious designer brand, and were told to transform the receipt into another receipt of buying a few tonnes of fresh produce from the market? How does it feels to input the transaction of a trip to Japan with all of it's expenses, but to put the report as a fee of cooking classes and accomodations in Japan?

With all due respect, I resigned from the same company and switched to another division under the same company, and planning to use my license properly.

You see, despite graduating from seminary, I earned myself a few license in brokerage and investment world, so I do have the proper know-how as an investment consultant, and also legally enlisted on the Nation's registry as a brokerage license holder. It's just I don't really used then properly before.

In the past, I innocently saw the opportunity to work in multiple different divisions as a new experience to enrich my knowledge at that time. But in practice, after years of trying working as a professional in multiple perspectives of discipline, what I saw and seen are mere multiple practice of rule-bending, still legal, but it hurts my conscience as a God obeying Christian.

So, with my seemed to be ignorant resolution, I submit a request of transfer for another company under the same boss, and burry myself under a ton of paperwork making stock analysis.

Sadly my pipedream broke out with a ton of mess, the same work culture is there, my work was claimed under my new supervisor, and another person claiming my hard labour felt different to my heart.

Then, the epitome came, my boss asked me for a license, where the purpose of borrowing that license is to start a small foundation, a kind of small lending agency, no, not a loanshark, but rather a union, where our existing clients were brought within the community, where they 'enrich' those clients with 'proper' community and education about investment, while opening possibilities for existing members to borrow a sum of funds to start a small business of their own, with the company help promoting the new micro business across the community, with a small charge.

That's the ideal preface and context.

But,

That very same year, two similar union were brought to the media, where such foundation abuses their clients money. And in the end of the day, when all clients asking for their money back, the union is unable to pay them all

So, despite having no job option, I resigned. Ultimately resigned my way out from the company, for final.

Then the next year  my sister got married, then Mom got the flu, and Dad left home, and the urge of returning home to help my kin back home arises.

Despite having clinical depression since back in the '18, I kept pushing myself, and not seldom, with prayers, fastings, Word of God's proclamation, and many other.

Yet, depression is still there.

Do I somehow lack in my spiritual devotions and disciplines? I believe that's not the case here.

Once a year since my depression (2019 and 2020, but mot 2021 and 2022 as my autoimmune disease worsen), I held a 40 day fast, like what Jesus did in the desert, how cool are they if you compare a devotion with mortal terms?

But no, they were Spirit driven thirst, not a mere vane glory nor delusional unnecessary attempts to cure this depression, not that, and won't ever be.

I did awake till late night due to anxiety and panic attack.

And yes I tend to overthink in times

What I can't help with is stress, the what seemed to be my old driving force, now worsen my autoimmune disorders.

You see here, hyperthyroidism and stress doesn't go along well, if you stressed, your autoimmunity gonna turn the wrong way and give you another attack.

And I struggle to cope even daily, to manage the stress.

That in it self is already time consuming, tiring and mental exhausting.

Not to say, the prone to triggered hormonal disruption caused by the heightened thyroid hormones.

Not to forget about the constant twitching, tremors, giddy feeling that I constantly felt during my waking hours, my hand and feet can't stop the small twitch and tremors, I got tired easily, bored with the same old menu repetition but can't help myself to cook for myself due to Indonesian table salt containing iodine, thyroid most beloved triggering agent.

Oh how plenty are the reason to be ungrateful, and how many are the multitudes of trigger during the day to get stressed under daily.

My dad, despite the answered prayer to make the stranger woman that is not my mother, whom he slept with in his other home, is finally left the town. Yet my dad still living alone in the other house, quite far from the store we currently reside and where I tend to sell the products daily.

The ever so jealous neighboring store which also sells plastic containers, which turn to dark force sending witchery and curse to make the store void of customers, the constant spiritual warfare isn't really my forte, not that much so that this tired mortal body could took as my not so nourishing daily supplement.

The ever so constant smaller scale conflict arises between me, my dad, my dad with my mom, me with my mom, and many other conflicts aren't really healthy for my already give-in heart, the very same heart whose hobby is skipping a beat, and pranking me by completely stopping for a few seconds, and leaving me panicking as I struggle to breathe and my face turned dark, and vigorously compressing my chest so my heart back to beating again.

So, yes, it will be a miracle for me to not sound gloom.

Sadly, no miracle came to visit me on daily basis.

That is why, my tone lately is depressing.

Ans lastly, as I said earlier, I meditate, to still my mind to make it focus.

I stopped meditating on daily basis for mental clarity,

Because the by-products of such awareness is a heightened senses, which, turns out too many noises are stressful.

Even more stressful for me, which left me in a delirium like state, where I most of my time unable to motivate myself, nor managing my stress level, since dopamine managing meditation aren't done no longer.

Well, I beg for your pardon for my long pecking rants.

I'm ranting here, just to let those thoughts out from my system, and feeling ashame for hanging my dirty laundry out on the net, for other to see.

But rather than complete being rigid and keeping a facade on myself, pretending to be okay while I'm not, I still opt for this dirty laundry to be out hanging in the open, rather than killing myself slowly with this stressful thoughts

So please bear with me for a little bit while, my dear reader, while I'm working my best to tackle the stress and tying my loose ends here and there, patching my life together again.

Let's hope for life to be a tad bit kinder to me tomorrow, so I will smile again together with you all in the future.

> >Read More