It was said, that if you can jote down your problem, then the problems is already half-solved.
So, I'm doing this past 2 years of being honest to my pains, and accepted those feelings and see them as the way it is, with no facade and plain arguments to try justify them, of why they should be and how they intented to be, just laying the facts bare, plainly before me.
In hope, when I get to finally understand where things gone wrong, I might grow better and know how to act better in the future.
I've told you already my reader, about how I was abused physically by my Dad, that my whole childhood is filled with blackened and blue face because my Dad is easy with his hand and kicks that he granted me those disciplining barrage of physical abuse.
And of how my mother is emotionally unavailable most of the time during my childhood and early puberty.
Now, is the time for my biggest kept secret and my most embarrassing hidden past to come out from their hiding place, so I may finally be free of guilt and shame, and pained no more.
As a child, I was devoid of love showcases, no emotional support, nor any physical act of love were given to me.
You can surely say, and you might also be correct if you said that I grow lacking love, and as a result my self-image or how I should see my identity and how to better embrace myself and giving the love that my child me is missing from the bigger picture.
I grow up in a big question mark in my subconscious, of why I was born, and how I should lives on, all the while confused with all the emotional storm I experienced while growing, never really understood what kind of emotions was there, and why they made me felt what, and how I should react with that spilled emotions.
I'm a monster if I'm not good enough, that how I best described how my teenage me described the sensations and confusing thoughts that jumbled over me all those years, never really understand what is love, what is kindness, what is good, what is noble, what is guilt, what is mercy, and so on, and so forth.
As if a parrot, parroting the dialog and human speeches, but never in their whole live understand what are the meaning behind those words of human languages they parroting, I grow to be a mimic, copying from others of how I should react in this case, and how to reply in other situations, yet the gist of the problem weren't really fixed yet.
I know how to get mad when someone crosses me wrongly, I know how to properly react without turning into a savage, and I know how to better talk the arguments so the problem can be solved without many issues. But they weren't really of how I saw and not really out of my own understanding of the situation.
That was the teenage me thought of process.
And some of my teenage me, is still here today, in some extent of form and manifestation in some cases.
___
Let's stop the heavy topic there, and continue about the identity topic more.
As I stated just now, I grow up confused, about almost everything, and that doesn't come to be an issue, not until I was in seminary.
Being fatherless while your biological is alive and kicking and still lives under one roof with you sure is a dilemma on its own side.
And as Christian, it become problematic, because God revealed Himself as the Father figure, and it's even harder to build a relationship with God, even more so, you're going to seminary, meaning, you are preparing to equip yourself with the proper attitude and knowledge to better serve God, being a man of religion, a clergy, a servant of God.
How can you reveal God is good if one never really experienced God? How can one know that God is the good Father, while they struggle to know God as a Father?
That's my struggle back than.
Introducing you, with a person that claimed to be a servant of God to the stage now.
A friend of mine, that I saw as a spiritual sister, introduced me to this person. That he is a preacher, a missionary, that spent his years serving the Lord in the middle of nowhere in Papua region, building schools for poverty stricken kids, and many other humanitarian goodness there.
To me, she introduced with good intent, that this person, is married, but didn't have any biological child, that's why this couple so and so, quote and quotes, "adopt" kids as their spiritual children, and most majority were child with problematic family background.
For almost a year I become to know this "Papa" and begin to see him as the father figure that I never had before.
So far is so good, because, even more, he eagerly provide me with tuition aid to pay for my seminary semester tuition.
That, until one day, he came to Jakarta, for a ministry, a church invite him to preach.
I went once, and somehow 'fallen' to this image of good servant of God he showed. No hidden meaning were intended in this statement so far.
That, until, the second time meeting him, and once again, another ministry of his, with a little twist afterward.
To me, he stated that he is going to the airport the next morning, as it is late already, why not joined him to stay overnight at his place, 'don't worry, there will be other brothers there' he added.
Those brothers he mentioned was his other 'adopted' sons, which during the 2 hour get-to-know them, the gist are they are like me, fatherless child, while their biological dad still living together, but they grow lacking a father's love.
The still unsuspecting me, was called to join this 'papa' in his room, we talked for quite a while.
Then,
He molested me.
I was awaken during my slumber, to his hand creeping all over, which stopped because he noticed me awaking.
I was barely able to hold it, somewhere over a new environment, no smartphone to book some online cab to run away, while I surely aware of his other 3 to 4 sons staying downstairs.
I kept my silence out of fear the whole night, staying awake as much as I could, then the next morning, he offered me a cab ride with him to my parents house, which I ask him to let me on the sideway, lying that my house is across the street away, but the truth is I brought him to wrong address, then went home by myself after his cab left.
This is my biggest dark past, the one thing that become a stumbling block for me, that leaving me further broken apart.
If you're in my shoes, I don't have a happy childhood, and was a child abuse survivor. I must cope and make do with my traumas and thankfully to God I met Him and felt deep down that He called me to serve Him, and to my best knowledge, I willingly enter a seminary, learning pastoral theology.
Then this new stranger hiding behind the face of a father figure, turns out to be a sexual offender, and I'm not his only victim, turns out he was once suspended from ministry for a few years back, but he came out clean and back to ministering. He even still quite a big figure till this very day. Hence why I didn't put any idenfier to his character in this entry.
What are the repercussions of this occurrence?
Firstly, I troubled to find and 'fix' this father figure issue, and that dragged on for years if not decades for me.
Second, I finish my seminary years, but I was a bit reluctant to be servant of God, joining no ministry nor churches at all.
And lastly, my identity crisis worsen, and further confusion after confusion came through the years
This following statement of mine might not politically proper to the world agenda nowadays about the alphabet's group, the l,g,b and t society.
Orientation, in this case, sexual orientation, was not made from birth. Mine is triggered by this shameful past, that darned molestation is what left a deep scar and painful memories.
I am bisexual, as I still find myself able to be attracted toward the opposite gender, but at the same time, the attraction toward same gender is there simultaneously.
As how I finally came to term with it, is when I finally came out of my closet to Nana. She was understanding and have a heart big enough to contain her brother biggest secret.
Sure, yes, I am aware of the attraction toward man my age, no, not older, as that creep is older, so it become a traumatic experience to me.
But, no, I don't date men, nor further the urge so it came into any fruition. Meaning, I never try to find any meetup nor dates, and progressed the urge further.
That's how I try my best to keep myself under constant check.
And finally, how I project my future effort of sin-battling as I know homosexual isn't Biblical, and no bigotry enter the heaven.
I vowed the celibacy vow, on my own accord, making a promise on my self to God, after constantly praying for it for years.
When I'm 28, I vowed to God on my last day being 28, a day before my 29th birthday, I told God, that I know of this urge of finding company from the same gender, an intimate kind of company, and I know it's a sin, that should not come to any fruition. So may God be my sole strength so I never try to find dates, nor any inappropriate act that is not according to the Bible, and to be safe, I'm vowing to spend my life in celibacy, not to marry nor intermingle with other sexually.
So far, it's been 5 years of hard road to threaded upon, but I know God is faithful and He heard my desperate cries.
I didn't get to follow my sinful nature into fruition, in emphasis of being a bisexual on top of that.
Despite growing in a Chinese household, where those nosy aunties of mine kept asking me when am I going to give my Mom a daughter in law, I repeatedly answered of my vow of keeping a pure life.
Then, that's it, the darkest secret is out in the open now.
May I be free of burdens that hindered me be healed of my painful past, may I be finally be able to forgive myself, and may I be a better lover of Christ, through the years to come, may I grow wiser and better in my faith, so I can proudly said that God has been good to me through my years, and He sustained my heart so much so, that still stand through His mercy in me.
No comments:
Post a Comment