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I noticed, and I bet you all noticed them too, that my post for these past years are rather gloomy and depressing.

Well, I tell you why.

I am clinically depressed.

Well, not using a fancy term to self diagnose-ing myself here. I did seek help and got assessed by professional once.

And here's the secret twist of it.

I refused medication and treatment, meaning, I discontinue the help given to treat my diagnosis.

And I don't know myself why.

Maybe on one way or another, I held the false beliefs, or rather the pretense that depressions is a result of not praying enough.

Well, they were wrong and I know myself about it. I know and I can even write you a long thesis about why clinical depression is not a result of not praying enough, I might be able to compile you with 300 doctrinal and other quotes from most notorious theological figureheads even if you may. 

But that's not it.

.... 

Gee, it's getting awkward, and I'm dragging my line here, my mind is blank at the moment.

Lately I got trouble focusing on things, that's for one reason why. 

My depression progresses even further, is another reason.

Kinda complicated and I know sanely enough of how and what to do, but I just won't, and I don't know myself quite well why.

....

Somewhere around the end of 2019, I noticed myself that there were episodes where I get gloom, and withdraw from crowds, to the extent of hindering me doing some daily routine.

You see, I'm a Christian, and a quite serious born-again, mind-renewed, sin-battling kind of Christian, that not a mere label I adress myself with in my conscious mind I believe.

And you also might see, that I was drawn toward occultism or rather the fancier terminologies, the 'art of mental awareness' and also the 'science of awakening the soul'

That's a lot for fancy and elusive way to describe an occult paradoxical view.

But yes, I'm confessing that I still meditate like the Eastern meditation way, and also at the same time, as how I read from Nana's IG story, about ps. Rick Warren's today devotion, 'rumminating' the bible.

What I'm trying to say here is, that I was training my mind and self-consciousness, to be in a constant state of certain 'awareness'

And in that perspective, my defence is, that I'm not practicing magic and spells and stuffs, but rather the capacity to having mental clarity is my ideal way of progressing my daily life.

If other people say that we need focus to do task done, I saw it further, that is to understand the progress of focusing while doing the job done.

So, I try not only to focus on what I was doing on the day, but also desire to understand the progress of thought that were in play at the time I'm focusing, and that helped me a lot, yet unbeknownst to me, also tiring.

So, my meditating for 5 to 12 minutes, and not so average on daily basis routines, is a way for me to harness my mind clarity, so I can be a tad bit more alert and aware of things on my surroundings.

A bit vague huh?

Lemme put on my example for you.

You see, my previous office were beside the office complex, and not much going there, only sounds from cars and vehicles roaring beyond the sound-insulated windows, and maybe keyboards ticking by other workers,

While my office is the furthest back and I work alone in mine.

At the same time, my 'elevated' awareness make me sensitive to all things occuring around me, meaning, I still hearing footsteps of people walking the stairs, from the next building. Or pipe rattling in-between the walls, and people upstairs chatting when they speak louder, and, or when a big vehicle's exhaust roaring on the street + 40 meters across from my office room, and I can follow the sound from the street end-to-end, spanning a few hundreds of meters down the road. That's only from picking the sounds, not to say, the temperature, the vibrations on the glass walls, and suchalikes, you can say my five senses are working on a higher performance during my 'elevated' awareness.

That's why, noises, when they were too many, irks me, so much so, that's why daily on average I just plugged my ear with an earphone, with nothing playing on it, just to muffle the noise down a bit.

I never know that all of those noises are also a burden and could be tiresome, until one day, the sudden realisation that I'm clinically depressed.

And not to say, some overworking and occupational stresses, and lastly the situation from back home, meaning, my family situation.

All of those stuffs, were pent-up and stacking to form a huge mountain, and I'm overwhelmed, suddenly one day waking up not being able to do anything.

....

I'm staying at the office a few years since I'm returning from Solo, back to my office in Jakarta. By which, is another reason for feeling ashamed of, before I rent a 'flat' a two room space and stay with Nana.

I got moved to Solo somewhere around 2017, because at that time I'm working as a clergyman in the accounting department, my workload at that time doubled up with me being an audit staff at the same time.

The work description at that time, is recording the transaction of a company, which isn't the company I'm working for, I mean, my company, is a family run business, and that cursed paperwork, are a kind of paper company likewise, while the transaction were real, run in a store belonging to my boss's sibling, the paperwork of financial statement isn't.

That's not tax evasion, my supervisor said, but rather a 'management', so they still paying taxes, but not the correct number, because there were item's from taxes categories being switched here and there to and fro, so much so, the number were unchanged at all, but rather the final tax being paid isn't really in the proper fees.

Then the next year came along, where I got promoted to do accounting for another family run company owned byy boss's father, a catering business, which, with all due respect, isn't really transparent because it's a family run business once again.

How do you feel, received a receipt from a bag purchase, from a notorious designer brand, and were told to transform the receipt into another receipt of buying a few tonnes of fresh produce from the market? How does it feels to input the transaction of a trip to Japan with all of it's expenses, but to put the report as a fee of cooking classes and accomodations in Japan?

With all due respect, I resigned from the same company and switched to another division under the same company, and planning to use my license properly.

You see, despite graduating from seminary, I earned myself a few license in brokerage and investment world, so I do have the proper know-how as an investment consultant, and also legally enlisted on the Nation's registry as a brokerage license holder. It's just I don't really used then properly before.

In the past, I innocently saw the opportunity to work in multiple different divisions as a new experience to enrich my knowledge at that time. But in practice, after years of trying working as a professional in multiple perspectives of discipline, what I saw and seen are mere multiple practice of rule-bending, still legal, but it hurts my conscience as a God obeying Christian.

So, with my seemed to be ignorant resolution, I submit a request of transfer for another company under the same boss, and burry myself under a ton of paperwork making stock analysis.

Sadly my pipedream broke out with a ton of mess, the same work culture is there, my work was claimed under my new supervisor, and another person claiming my hard labour felt different to my heart.

Then, the epitome came, my boss asked me for a license, where the purpose of borrowing that license is to start a small foundation, a kind of small lending agency, no, not a loanshark, but rather a union, where our existing clients were brought within the community, where they 'enrich' those clients with 'proper' community and education about investment, while opening possibilities for existing members to borrow a sum of funds to start a small business of their own, with the company help promoting the new micro business across the community, with a small charge.

That's the ideal preface and context.

But,

That very same year, two similar union were brought to the media, where such foundation abuses their clients money. And in the end of the day, when all clients asking for their money back, the union is unable to pay them all

So, despite having no job option, I resigned. Ultimately resigned my way out from the company, for final.

Then the next year  my sister got married, then Mom got the flu, and Dad left home, and the urge of returning home to help my kin back home arises.

Despite having clinical depression since back in the '18, I kept pushing myself, and not seldom, with prayers, fastings, Word of God's proclamation, and many other.

Yet, depression is still there.

Do I somehow lack in my spiritual devotions and disciplines? I believe that's not the case here.

Once a year since my depression (2019 and 2020, but mot 2021 and 2022 as my autoimmune disease worsen), I held a 40 day fast, like what Jesus did in the desert, how cool are they if you compare a devotion with mortal terms?

But no, they were Spirit driven thirst, not a mere vane glory nor delusional unnecessary attempts to cure this depression, not that, and won't ever be.

I did awake till late night due to anxiety and panic attack.

And yes I tend to overthink in times

What I can't help with is stress, the what seemed to be my old driving force, now worsen my autoimmune disorders.

You see here, hyperthyroidism and stress doesn't go along well, if you stressed, your autoimmunity gonna turn the wrong way and give you another attack.

And I struggle to cope even daily, to manage the stress.

That in it self is already time consuming, tiring and mental exhausting.

Not to say, the prone to triggered hormonal disruption caused by the heightened thyroid hormones.

Not to forget about the constant twitching, tremors, giddy feeling that I constantly felt during my waking hours, my hand and feet can't stop the small twitch and tremors, I got tired easily, bored with the same old menu repetition but can't help myself to cook for myself due to Indonesian table salt containing iodine, thyroid most beloved triggering agent.

Oh how plenty are the reason to be ungrateful, and how many are the multitudes of trigger during the day to get stressed under daily.

My dad, despite the answered prayer to make the stranger woman that is not my mother, whom he slept with in his other home, is finally left the town. Yet my dad still living alone in the other house, quite far from the store we currently reside and where I tend to sell the products daily.

The ever so jealous neighboring store which also sells plastic containers, which turn to dark force sending witchery and curse to make the store void of customers, the constant spiritual warfare isn't really my forte, not that much so that this tired mortal body could took as my not so nourishing daily supplement.

The ever so constant smaller scale conflict arises between me, my dad, my dad with my mom, me with my mom, and many other conflicts aren't really healthy for my already give-in heart, the very same heart whose hobby is skipping a beat, and pranking me by completely stopping for a few seconds, and leaving me panicking as I struggle to breathe and my face turned dark, and vigorously compressing my chest so my heart back to beating again.

So, yes, it will be a miracle for me to not sound gloom.

Sadly, no miracle came to visit me on daily basis.

That is why, my tone lately is depressing.

Ans lastly, as I said earlier, I meditate, to still my mind to make it focus.

I stopped meditating on daily basis for mental clarity,

Because the by-products of such awareness is a heightened senses, which, turns out too many noises are stressful.

Even more stressful for me, which left me in a delirium like state, where I most of my time unable to motivate myself, nor managing my stress level, since dopamine managing meditation aren't done no longer.

Well, I beg for your pardon for my long pecking rants.

I'm ranting here, just to let those thoughts out from my system, and feeling ashame for hanging my dirty laundry out on the net, for other to see.

But rather than complete being rigid and keeping a facade on myself, pretending to be okay while I'm not, I still opt for this dirty laundry to be out hanging in the open, rather than killing myself slowly with this stressful thoughts

So please bear with me for a little bit while, my dear reader, while I'm working my best to tackle the stress and tying my loose ends here and there, patching my life together again.

Let's hope for life to be a tad bit kinder to me tomorrow, so I will smile again together with you all in the future.