Sorry to say this, I'm trying to encourage myself and ease my stormy nerves right now.
The news is, my mom left home just now.
Y'all know she is an adept at the art of escape, Houdini himself learn the craft from her perhaps.
Once a person commits herself to the craft of lie weaving and the art of being self-centred, they can execute a lie as if no guilt caught up with their conscience.
Hmm, I'm upset? Funny, I've predicted this already.
For the past weeks, I keep finding myself waving my hands at her while she is still here next to me, as if we're going to go our separate way soon. I kept waving my hands from time to time after calling her name, for no reason whatsoever.
Funny huh? My heart's of heart caught a glimpse of the future way before the escape occurred.
Nothing much happening, no fight no trigger no heated arguments no nothing, it's just she already planned this from long throw ahead of time.
Let me pent my frustration here, mind you, let me ask for your permission if I may.
Same old song that so repeatedly mentioned that it bore to a long-winded heartache even me myself. As if it numbed my senses, that's how often it occurred.
Two days ago, I caught a glimpse at her, facing her back at me, while she sat across my dad, both tending to their phones respectively.
How unusual, as she never sat with him before, especially my dad is a heavy chain-smoker, we all allergic to cigarettes smoke, I myself asthmatic if I inhaled too much smoke, maybe I forgot to tell you this before, but yes, due to the insecticide ingestion back then, there are some failures occurring to me, I just never tell anyone about it.
So, she sat on the same table right in front of the store, and I noticed when I walk closer, from the periphery vision, the name is Justin, the pseudonym she came up to cover the alias of her cheating partner on Fb, the man not much older than me, that's him.
It's the epitome where now I clearly seen it, while previously, for days before that, she did chat with someone and quickly hid her phone when she noticed anyone approaches. So from the body language we knew that it was basically something secret, what else if not with that person.
She did for the past week approached me and casually said a rethorical question, basically asking me if she moved next week to another city for work, will I missed her, and stuffs, if she died will I mourn for her and such.
From that alone I already know ahead of time that she planned yet another grand escape of her signature move.
The case is as such, back from May, her one and only job got stopped by the client, the excuse was they were planning a holiday for the kid, she taught a private lessons for a kid btw. The parent just simply discontinued the private tutoring with no news.
Hence, she is jobless at the moment with basically no income whatsoever since the middle of May, and ever since, she busied herself with social media, TikTok and stuffs, basically busying herself from the void.
We opened a store where only I did the job, and occasionally my dad tend the store, the problem arises, the store didn't earn enough, with defisit on each end of month, low income, big expenses, mostly for daily sustenance.
It's a miracle how 3 person life can be sustained by not even 2 million rupiahs, half the monthly pay of lower ranking entry level salaryman. Of how it can be possible is a true mistery.
I got ill often, if I never tell you, then here's the news, I'm quick to tire, get fatigue often, some abnormal symptoms due to the autoimmune disorders. Some late night, I even got routine muscle spasms, that left me paralyzed the whole night, I can't get up from the sofa I slept on, even for a short walk to the restroom, I must cope with unspoken pain on both thighs as the muscles tensed and weakening on my whole body. I need to spend 5 to 10 minutes to massage my muscles, prepping them to rise myself up from the sofa then do my duty.. What I can easily do on the day, suddenly is no longer easy on the night, duh.
Maybe you think this is a psychosomatic case, my mind producing a fake illness, but my mind know best that it's not. I know long before this day, that I'm dying. Of that I'm not going to disclose more, but with my capacity of awareness and mental awakening if you may accept the term I use to ease the derogatory mental state I attain when I become awakened toward another force beside the natural cause, that enabled me to simply practice magic. I know that my body is deteriorating from years before today, I'm not even 34 yes I know, but I'm already giving in to the way of life, that, we all, dies, sooner or later.
So, I'm ill, bedridden, often, but I hid them, with showcasing laziness, I idle most of the day, if my dad arrived at the store that day, then I can rest a bit after cooking the meal for the family. I hid the shallow breathing by pretending a playful raspy breathing, or pretending to fake fainting when I was hit by a dizzy spell, due to low blood pressure. Or even hiding my chest pain with some unnecessary giggling while playfully tickling my mom. Or faking that I'm mediating while waiting for my skipping heart to return to its normal heartbeat.
I know that I am going soon, that is why I hurried many things just to leave traces of my existence, here in this blog, and somewhere else.
But sometimes I got too weak and powerless to even just to rise from the couch, and doing daily chores, and mom is very quick to grab some money from the store to buy lunch.
I did say my disapproval about that, which she turned to deaf ear. I don't make a huss about it, due to the circumstances, and so be it.
What irks me, is her refusal to help the store.
In my opinion, just idling on the cashier chair and playing TikTok and editing videos and ignoring the coming customer only to make them wait longer and giving the wrong price is not helping at all.
I did rebuke her about it in the past, but she kept her silence about it and keep doing the same every day.
To her I did shared my burden and worries about the store and where are we going to live after the rent is over.
And that is worrying because I felt as if I'm the only one working and worrying to my deaththroes just busying and worrying about the rest of the family while they are ignoring my hard work and kept doing how they pleases.
Maybe that the cause for her current escape, maybe not. God forbid the worst possible outcome, God knows best.
Yesterday, I sat on the cashier chair next to her. Saying such.
We are claiming to be Christians, it is our calling to lives our life obeying God's command, and maybe we can lie to our best possible lies, but God knows the truth. We perhaps might be able to deceive ourselves with the lie we concocted and we might believe the lie, but still we can't deceive God.
In relation to what I saw 2 days ago, her breaking her own promise to stay away from her cheating partner, who now is residing in Australia, working as a refugee migrant workers.
My word hit the spot maybe, explaining the money source she use to spend the last several days past, buying this and that, and the now plane ticket and housing at the new town she currently heading.
She left the town around 12.40 pm, saying her goodbye from a single selfie she took at the airport waiting room.
I'm too tired to be burdened with this new stress.
My mind went blank, even to this moment, yet heavy, I don't know why but I took abandonment issue differently, maybe a wrong wiring is struggling in my head to digest the situation to it best, yet fail to accept the newfound void left by the person leaving, making me feel that I was, abandon, yet again.
The person that just this morning staying with me, now is somewhere else leaving without a word of explanation.
Where was I'm wrong at? What mistake did I done that you now left me, again, and by leaving, you gave me no choice but to accept the punishment, and by punishing me such, I got not chance to fix my mistakes, if they exist somewhere, because I am not perfect, so of course I have some misgivings where I can't clearly see them.
I can't accept the way she behave, but she force her way as if punishing me with this illogical and unacceptable outcome.
At this point my words become an illogical ranting and some sore-excuse. That I know, but that's how I truly felt,
Why this have to happen, while I'm walking to my end of life.
Nana plenty of time rebuked me about my saying I'm gonna die soon, and she opt to ignore it as of late.
Hence I don't want to burden her and no longer repeating it in front of her.
I am young still, yes I'm well aware, but it's not a golden rule set in stone that we all have to live to 120 before returning to the Lord.
Some cases differs, pain is a constant event in earth, qe just refuse to believe it until the unthinkable rolls it way in, that is why the ungodly griefs like no tomorrow.
For this past 3 years I embraced the possibility of death, of my own death. knowing that maybe I'm going to follow pretty soon. Even when last year post when Marco passed away, I know that it's going to be me thr next news break amongst the church friends from LB early years.
Life is precious because it's a gift from the Lord, and I embrace my life as best as I can, and by prolonging them to as long as I could manage.
I returned to my Daoist root, exercising more often, and to be precise, harnessing my life energy, to make them last as long as I can.
You might sneer at this point I imagine, but yes, taiji exercise is real, they did promote benefits to health, and also neidan, the internal medicine meditation from the same root.
I reckoned casually sharing this to mom, an old diva, who is in her late 80's now, who diagnosed with 1st stage ovary cancer during her early 70's was miraculously recover from the quick to spread 3rd stage ovary cancer in a span of months, suddenly got declared clean of cancer cells, just by meditation exercise for 13 days, a 5 hours a day meditating sessions that miraculously healed a dying person.
From the description from the article, that is neidan, the internal medicine meditation from Daoist root, which I'm adept long before the article was even circulated by the media.
I didn't hope to be cured from my already giving body, only just to prolong my life as far as I might stretch them, while unceasingly also hope for a miracle.
But I learn to not expect, so if they didn't turn my way, I can cope with it.
So, yes, I am in fact, is long progressed dying.
It's just I didn't disclose them properly to my family or basically anybody.
Of that, I don't know how to say about it, but or short, I cope with it already.
That's why I kept a little fund for preparing for my untimely death, just to help my already financially struggling family just to help send my use to be physical shell departing toward its impermanence.
I am a feeble human, born from a humble beginning, so I am humbly return to my Maker. Throughout my life, I am foolish, and vast astray, and I've seen the unthinkable and gruesome darkness from this world, but I'm graced with an ultimate offer to met and to believe more than merely know, about Christ, my days are short, but my knowledge already sufficient enough, better than a million years of long life, that is to know my Creator, and respond with the gifted response to His heavenly calling, to serve Christ in my daily life.
Despite my struggles, my ups and downs, I am contempt, that God is good and His mercy is long enduring, that to this point of my life, He is still, faithful.
This may or may not be my last entry, as I don't know what else to jot down and pour into writings, but this, is a simple life of an unknown man, trying my best to serve my God.
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