how I truly feel about what happened to me

I already told you about my childhood.

I also did tell you about how I experienced many things during my early years.

I also told you about traumas, ups and downs, and all of those past experiences that altogether called as my life story.

I did come clean with you already about my orientation, or rarher tendencies.

Not perhaps, it is time to tell you how I feel about it, being me.

                                                                                                    

I don't know when it started, or how it came to be.

And I'm not trying to make a self justification for what already occurred nor am I trying to make normal about all of it.

But as far as I can reason and argues about it, I might suggest they just fell into place like it from the start.

You see, I somewhat remembered about a passing banter from kids my age or perhaps my siblings or relatives casually saying that a person orientation is decided for boys especially when they first experienced their wet dream.

That's only a silly casual saying actually, and I'm well aware of it to be the case.

Then, let me come clean once again, the wet dream that is so to said, occurred to me, was when I was in my early 12, and somehow I can vaguely remembered, that it was with a boy, not quite like the usual case for any normal boy perhaps.

Those days are way uncultured from this modern era, communication and internet access wasn't really there unlike today's society.

So, there is no possible way for a 12 years old me to find materials from the net about homosexualities or such things alike.

But somehow it occurred to me, the weird and out of the norm dream.

I remembered waking up in the middle of the night conflicted, half embarrassed, half ashamed of the dream content, and a small bit of doubt about my onset journey to find my identity.

Mind you, I was staying at my relatives due to my home situation back then, and the so said bedroom were shared together, and at that time some relatives from Jakarta also paid a visit, so the accomodation situation were pretty crowded so to say.

Me, waking up from this new kind of dream, a one of a kind, and moreover that humiliating theme of a dream.

But the next day, I pretty much ignored what I dreamt last night and mostly also not that I understand what really rolled last night, as you might probably know. Eastern people tend to make sex education as a taboo topic that need to be shushed the devil out of even a tiny peep of a breath, not a word, nor even a mumm about it allowed.

Hence, nobody was really there to accompany me through the pre-puberty changes and moreover, to give me some explanations about what really occurred.

Skip to my early senior highschool years, the raging last stages of puberty.

Oh, btw, I did dates once or twice before, and I did genuinely acknowledge that I get attracted to the opposite gender quite well.

That's the the sole argumentative basis for me to still say that I'm at the very least, is a bisexual. As even to this day, I got attracted, I can and I could if I want to, get attracted to woman.

Back to my story,

Let just say, I met this new friends. The good friends kind of people, the friends that finally brought me to church and preach the Gospel to me. That kind of good friends.

There is this particular boy, I felt a kind of inkling with him, for there are many similarities and hobbies, hence we got close pretty fast. He's the one that brought me to church.

Sorry to knock it out outfront, nothing really happened between me and him, we just become friend, a good one, that's all about it.

But yes, I remembered when I came out from my closet to Nana, she did mentioned this highschool friend of mine.

Even my sis saw something sparkling huh?

But no, I never really had any romantic intentions toward him, it's just the friendship was much appreciated, and maybe through those friendships, as there were three or five other friends of his that later also become my close friends, and some, even still a good friend to this day, not in a romantic way of course.

Maybe, I found companionship among the same gender to be pleasant, as if they make me feel at ease. And maybe, I misinterpreted those feelings as an attraction.

I never really know for sure.

But I prefer to go with this reasoning,

I was deprived of man bonding during my earliest years, and the only physical contact I received were only the very physical abuse and mental abandonment from my father.

Hence, I was utterly deprived of skinship, or rather affections from a male figure, to be more precise, a fatherly figure.

Of course I know that my friends isn't going to replace a fatherly figure in me, and that's not even logical.

But the companionship is the source of comfort, and maybe something occurred back then in my adolescent brain, that misinterpret them as a more sensual kind of affection, of perhaps, driven me to seek the comfort that a male company can bring, note me here, company, as in friendship, not in a sensual way once again.

Let skip during the seminary years,

Oh I dated again, a girl a year older than me, she's my lowerclass peer.

The me during those years already start to have some suspicions about my tendencies for object of attraction.

But need I say before, I dated a girl purely because I'm attracted toward her, and never as an alibi nor a denial spur.

I felt old already by saying these, that those years, were the early years for the now known as old people social media front, Facebook, back in the early 2007's (as I start my college in that year, while before it I pretty much used my off-school hours playing online games in some net cafe)

Back then, social media didn't pose the danger they posed today, they were a new hype, together with the now obsolete Friendster. Geez, I'm surely old for real. I remembered decorating my page with a long string of html codes and urls and one day, after a twisting and tweaking the page calibration, as like any other teenagers in that era, refreshing the tab to my front page preview, and lo and behold, my uncouthness arrangements made the page freezes.

Okay, back to story, promise I won't get sidetracked again.

It was the ignorant me, just accepting friend requests here and there.

There was even a time where I had 2 thousand friends on Facebook, while I only really know 300 to 400 of them in real life.

So, from this silly and undoubting friend requests, and answering random chats, I met 3 person, one become a friend that as of late is merely a distant acquaintance, one become an enemy, and one, become a kind of date, an uncertain relationship, but of those 3, the only similarity is they all are openly gay.

Wait a minute.

Yes, I am well aware of me a theological seminary student, moreover and especially, a person of faith. Now engaging in a manner unbecoming of my faith.

Let me disclosed the story about the last person without laying too much detail.

Here goes the case.

The person, which I also forgotten his name already, is 2 years older than me, we only get to know from chatting, and from a somewhat 2 or 3 months of chatting, I finally enclosed my living area (at that time, I lived nearby campus, so in Karawaci)

After a somewhat long pull and push invitation, I finally agreed for a meetup, only for a lunch and maybe some cinema watch or so.

We got home late, as he lived in North Jakarta as it took around 2 hour riding motorcycle, so he asked for me permission to be allowed to stay over.

Nothing happened, promise, but what linger as a result, is I pretty much enjoyed his company and friendship.

We keep in contact, for perhaps 2 or 3 months.

Mind you, I was an uncouth youth, so the trend back then, is changing cellular number from time to time, Oh let me tell you for a start, I changed my number routinely once a month perhaps.

I lost track already, but the thing is. The guilt caught up with my conscience.

I noticed that the comfort start to grow into something asking for more inside my heart.

So I quickly repent and simply changing my number earlier than I usually did, and deleting his number from my phone.

So the relationship that you can say as if we already dated, but never truly did anything else but frequently meeting up and talking on the phone, which I ended from my side. And that's all.

Skip again,

I graduated from college, and entered the world of adult, working adult.

As for why I didn't become a full-timer minister, is pretty much answered from the post about that bitter experience with a man claiming to be a servant of God, whom turns out to be an old lecher.

I did, which I honestly acknowledge and confess to you here. Know some other guys, and funny enough also 3 people, in the span of 10 years. There were some minor characters but they were not much to be included.

But let me bring the topic about the one friend I get to know during college years, who turned to be enemy, yep that jerk in particular.

He is the most pretentious person who introduced himself in a different persona than who he really is in reality, so, we've been chatting and talking for years, 2010 to 2012 is quite a long span to get to know a person I think, and I happened to work in North Jakarta, just a skip away from where he resides, so I agree to met with this 3 years acquaintance I identify as a friend.

Lo and behold, I met a different person from what I interacted for those years.

That's not the problem actually.

The problem is here. He try to back away by trying to throw his pursuer to me.

So, this older man, 9 years older than the 21 years old me back then, suddenly got introduced to this brother, and this jerk, suddenly went AWOL. And I'm already trying to be polite here, as I don't feel the need to upset myself about it, but this baggage of not-interest to get to know of a new acquaintance is still here. 

Okay, I'm sidetracked again.

Let say, during all of those years, I get to learn about many things about myself, about others, about many things, which I hope wizen my mind.

And I believe I'm wizened some pretty deal in comparison to the me 20 years prior, coming from an occult background till the me version something something point zero (as I can't really say I'm Joshua 2.0 or suchalikes, so let's let it stay vague)

I learned to let go when it need to be let go.

I learnt to kept inside when it's precious and dearly to me.

And to acknowledge it when it needs to be acknowledged.

And lastly, to have an open heart and see everything just how the way they are, without trying to delude myself with many denying and suchalikes.

I am bisexual, and I cannot help it to some instances.

I acknowledge of my tendency to be attracted toward male company.

And I try my best to 'cure' myself out of the delusions, all to my very best effort and attempts I can think of, but the urges is there still.

So what I can do is, make peace with myself.

So I acknowledge that I also liked males, but that's all about it.

I also have a choice to stay pure and not to bring this ungodly desire to it's fruition.

So I consciously agree to stay a celibate, to not mingle sensually toward any gender whatsoever.

Was it wrong of me? To like males?

I know the sin, if done, is wrong, but I never gonna do it either.

So rather than playing victim about it, or trying to find a cure for it.

I can choose to acknowledge that they occurred in the past, and that it's nobody's fault. i was a victim, that may be true, or untrue, but that is not the main focus.

The main focus is, how am I gonna react about it.

And I choose, to not sinned, despite I had my lackings and weaknesses, but I hope they doesn't discredited me from my pursue of Christlikeness.