But I'm not,
I was filled with unnecessary thoughts, filled to the brim, so here I am, letting them all out again.
Maybe I was seen like I'm asking the impossible. I know it myself, and I'm fully aware, that a human being cannot be controlled and must not be under the control of another. They were a free individual and respectively, no one should have a better say but the person themselves.
But this is a family, or rather, whatever left of a broken family.
It is not normal, it is also not accord to God's heart that a married couple, walk their separate ways and leaving all hell wreck loose in the middle of their battle.
Where else a person return but to their home? And what is home actually? Isn't home supposedly the place a family lived together.
But why? That I had no family?
Dad is staying in his own place, and now, the last person decided to yet again, choose her selfishness under the pretext of finding work.
If the plan was spoken clearly, a best possible outcome can be reached as a better solution.
But not like this,
If it's really an occupational reason, for work like how she stated in her long goodbye, then she didn't need to cut contact from the family and not being this sudden.
But she did, then it must be only for another reason.
How come that once again this leftover pieces of warmth I call home need to be grinded to fine dust and scattered once more?
Just to asking the unanswerable question is painful. The silence is deafening. And my stress level already skyrocketed beyond my tolerance level.
I am agasp, loss for air, sad, and confused once again.
Deep in my heart I loved them equally, because they were and still are my treasure. Despite the misgivings and my pain, I still genuinely care for their best interest, my small but seemingly distant family members, mom and dad, Nana and Angel, and also I'cik and not to forget A'ie in Tangerang.
They were people so dear to my heart, or what's left of a human heart after all of my years.
I'm imperfect in many aspects, but at least I try my best to put smile on their faces, but why the situation must roll into this current scenario?
Why... And a thousand why...
The monster I know as my depressive thoughts start to knock on the door once again, whispering fears and unspoken horror, that may never be true, but the doubt is more than enough to do the trick. The silence is start to get very deafening now....
My head is rolling thinking of nothing, and I'm not a fan of this distractions.
How I wish for everything to be in the right place, where everyone is happy, just like those lyrics from one of my favourite song, but it is true perhaps, that it's seemingly to be too much to ask for.
So, I am conflicted with no silver linings on my clouds tonight. How I wish that tomorrow when I wake up, everything is only a mere nightmare, and my mom never left home yesterday.
There, another tears flow down... Looks like I'm still a human after all...
Just to close the entry in a good sense, I will tell you of what happened last dawn, or was it this dawn? Oh well.
As you may know, I'm insomniac, I barely sleep the whole night through. So if I'm not playing some games, reading books, or novels, or whatever distractions I can find to lulls me to sleep, I'm praying, with what sighs I may never be able to breathe in front of another person on the day, so, here I am, in the dead of the night, while all soul busily snore in their sleep, I spoke to my God with all things I never spoke to any living soul.
Suddenly the long thanksgiving roll into my mouth, for almos 20 minutes maybe, I just say thank you Jesus, Thank you Lord, thank you Holy Spirit, Thank you Father, etc.
As if preparing me for what took place this afternoon, I found my strength from several hours beforehand, in the presence of God, I rest my case.
So here I am again, asking for the presence of God to fill my heart again, so I can lay my case again... And find my rest in His sovereign will.
No comments:
Post a Comment