Life Manifesto - pt.2

Okay, I'm back.

It took several days(in truth, a whole lot more than that, a month or more) as a break for me to gather my thoughts and emotional capacity to write this.

Before I begin ranting on 

Let me share this weird knowledge to you...

As a Chinese descent, of course I had my Mandarin name.

It's 謝欣悲

Or read Xie Xin Bei.

The Xie as in xie-xie in "thank you"

The next character is the lineage middle name for my family, 

The last character is Bei, as in the 大悲咒 mantra, a Buddhist chant for the Avalokitesvara Compassion Mantra 

How does the name became my name. It was my Buddhist aunt picking the name.

If you split the word literally, the 悲 cool meaning is compassion.

But if you split the character into two, you get a character Fei 非 and Xin 心 which consecutively means "no" and "heart".

Hence the most common lonestanding translation mean 'sorrowful' or 'sad'

The name were given to me, after the incident where I drank the insecticide that I told you in the part 1 of this manifesto.

As if praying for a new good life she gave me the name Bei 悲 from that well known mantra of compassion, sounded somewhat grandeur in Buddhist terminology.

PS: I'm too lazy to correct the pinyin writing from my explanation btw, so with the limited knowledge of my broken Mandarin, please clise your eyes if you irritated by my bland typing of romanized word from the previous Chinese characters.

I named this blog, with a little tweak of consonant in the name. Bei into Fei, I purposedly tweaked the wording to make the name sounded less serious and less heavy, in a little bit of playful tone, without any other specific or particular meaning behind it.

Okay next....

Where was I?

The new understanding? - Yep, here we go...

My unanimous attempt to end my self proclaimed of flat life didn't reach a sad ending that I initially hoped for.

If not, you won't be reading this recounts of mine now aren't we?

At the same time, I begin to go to church, now out of my own initiative.

So, you can say that God has been good to me.

I was in my first year of senior high at that time. Anyway...

The unnecessary attempt of self-medication / overdosing that didn't come into fruition is the initial sign for me, 

And the insecticide attempt 1 years later is another showcase of God entering the stage.

Personally, I felt nothing, and simply seeking an exit out of my own hand, that, was before.

But the newfound understanding that God loves me, and all of His promises that He states clearly in the Bible gave me promise, a newfound hope, if you may call it.

But please, this is real life, not soap opera nor heroic tales.

It's not that simple in my daily life won't it?

My dad still an abusive dad, my mom still a neglecting mother.

So what changed then?

I dunno, even to this day, I'm still unsure of what really changed that day.

How I articulate it for myself maybe might help.

I felt that I'm not completely useless, that there is this new meaning suddenly attached to my very being, and moreover I felt loved, and I believe that's God.

I think I can see you jeer to yourself, that I might sugar-coated my statement a tad too much.

But no, why do you think I decided to end my own life in such an early age at the first place?

I think my life was miserable, that I somehow felt myself different than the rest of human being, like I'm somekind of a failure, a defective product per se.

And in my narrow point of view and unwise judgement at that time, I thought of ending that life.

But I survived, not once, but twice.

No! Maybe thrice.

I suddenly remembered this episode.

During my 3rd or 4th year of elementary school, my house is near the sea shore, and I believe at that time I got hit by a bus.

The ignorant me, decide to run across the street from the pier toward home, while a bus passing through, and my head struck the bumper, in the narrow split of second, the bus ran passes me, while I laid unconscious underneath.

If that's not some kind of divine intervention, what then?

I survived the accident only with a minor concussion and some sore feeling on my right arm.

The nearing passerby, a fisherman, aid me and carry me home.

But nothing much occurs after that.

I know that I previously told you that this may or may not be the doings of spirit or anything else.

But after thinking about it for a good moment, I will insist that this is God.

Even in the moment I'm not responding to His kindness, He already paved the way for me toward Him.

Is my feeling about the reality about God's grace to me is an illusion or my latest attempt to cope with my present condition?

I sincerely hope not.

Let me spill more story out in the open.

I may sound like a blabbermouth now, I noticed them too, but my mental status currently need some relief and rest.

So, I will reluctantly but willingly spill it out of my system.

In 2019, I, was feeling that I didn't have any willingness to function normally as an adequate human being.

Let me put it in a blatant and simple way.

All this years, I had use pressure as my moving factor, to push me further, especially in the area of my daily job.

I work in a non subsidiary goverment banking company, in the division of stock investment.

Pretty far fetched from my major right?

I went to seminary, graduated and work in a bank.

Running away from calling?

Leet me explain my defence first before you say that.

I went into one of the biggest seminary, that fall in the charismatic precept,

Yet, I graduate as a Calvinist, in and out in my ideology of theological argumentations, a Reformed.

For those confused with this new jargon or names,

Let say, in general there are many perspectives even in the Prostestant-Christians theological doctrine.

For ease of explanation, let say there is 2 major paragon of thoughts.

One is Armenian, 

And the other is Calvinist 

Armenian, for short, believe that we human, is the one responsible in making a choice to accept the blood of Jesus, so if you were saved, yes still by the blood of Jesus, but another side of the coin is, your conscious decision to receive the truth and believing.

Hence by his argument, your salvation can be erased or annuled, since you believed by your own, so if you renounced your faith, salvation is lost.

While Calvinist, believe in 5 point of perspective.

T.U.L.I.P

Total depravity- we all has fallen so low that we by ourselves might not be able to respond and in any way receiving by our own initiative, the calling of God.

Universal Grace- that God still give His grace universally, both sinners and saints, the one believing and those who didn't.

Limited attonement- there is a certain limited groups that is choosen to believe in God, not all was saved, and in the Great Wisdom of God which only he understands, not every random person saying he belief in Jesus is saved.

Irresistible Grace- that such grace of calling specific people to believe in God, is not in any way able to be resisted, so if God called you to believe in Jesus and get saved. One way or another you will get saved and belive in Him.

Perseverance of saints- if God is the one that called you, make faith blooms in your heart, make you start believing in Him, and make you saved, He alone will sustain your faith in Him, and make you keep the faith until the very end.

...

So, I graduated with different perspective of ideology of how I should serve God.

But my reality, isn't the ideal that I pictured in my head, and I search all over churches by churches, none fit the ideal atmosphere of servitude.

So, I work in secular job, yet still serve. Since most ministry I found at that time is money-minded and have twisted pursue in serving God.

Okay...

Now, work sure is demanding everywhere all over every career path.

And stress is inevitable.

So far, I use that stressful sensation as a moving gear to push me forward.

The stressful it is, the more efficient I work.

But that for sure is tiring, and my limit?

I start working for the same company in February 2012, and got seriously fatigued by 2019.

In my years of servitude, I found that my company is  legally outsmarting government rules in several way.

At the same time, same old problem, my parents and their marriage life.

My dad has his affair and my mom's her own affair.

Both cheated each other.

And the relation is very toxic.

Dad is not much as handful as the past, but he still hit mom or my youngest sister, Angel over the years.

And my dad is known with his counting his chick before the egg hatches attitude of doing his business, resulting in more than enough bankruptcy.

He only harsh in home, but never have any gut with his debtor customers.

The stress from business were pushed at home, making the house like hell on earth for me.

Those situations, and my mother habits of badmouthing and twisting reality in her complaints toward my dad.

If you learn only from her perspective, you will think that she is a tormented saintess married with the devil, while in truth doesn't necessarily like so.

Both work demands and my family situation, is pushing me far over my limits.

I got depressed, went to some counseling center and pray some good amount.

I even fast for 40 days not eating, but depression isn't a spirit nor some demonic possession that can simply be casted away in the name of Jesus.

You fast, while still working, what you get is stress and hunger, some depressions still persists afterward.

And at night your mother is complaining about your dad flirting with some unknown women he know from the app.

While forgetting that she also did the same.

Maybe it was my young naïve mindedness at my younger years.

I want to go to theological seminary to serve God with the rest of my life, so God will make my family whole again, to reconcile father and sons and daughters, and my whole family.

But the reality is far fetched from what I prayed these years.

In middle of 2019, the depression reach boiling point, 

Beside work, I felt tired to meet up with anyone, sick of myself for putting that fake smile as if my life is just fine like heaven.

I fast some more, pray harder, take a vow of this of that, thightened my spiritual disciplines..

I went to a charismatic church by the way...

But I followed most of the Torah law, the plentiful and unnecessary yoke of a burden.

Thinking that somehow by being more discipline and strict in following God, life will unwinded themselves.

Nope, still none.

Late September 2020, I quit my job, tattered and burdened so.

Just 4 months before my first sis, her marriage with her bf-soon to be husband.

February 2021, parents and youngest sist came to Jakarta for the wedding reception.

Mom got the Cov-

Dad return the next day to Pekanbaru, and in 3 weeks, left home, bringing his online dates to Pekanbaru and lived with her. Till this very day.

Mom now is in Jakarta with my youngest sister, having their new life, yet still depends on financial aid from my dad.

My whole life is a big joke it seems.

The most deafening noise isn't the boom or bang from a big explosion, but the most deafening noise, is the silence of the gap. The status quo of uncertainty.

While deep down, I always wanted my family to have a good life, and peaceful one at it.

Yet God planned for something different.

Does God mean with me?

No, absolutely not. It still resounded true until this very moment for me.

He is too good to do harm to me.

That is what I belief and I know it's true.

So, nearly 32 years me living on this planet, sharing the same oxygen and breathes the same carbon dioxide just like you, my good fellas, my dear reader.

But my pain is much, and all of my grains of salt that I've collected along the way isn't necessarily small in number.

I experienced both extreme in my personal spiritual reality.

I had many unfortunate moments that even left their scars till this day, be it physical and mental.

But that doesn't discourage me.

I know that God, the Jesus that draw me close to Him when I was a 15 years old juvenile boy.

Is still true to me even to this very day.

The God that I follow from my youth is faithful and sustained my heart to this day.

Despite my lackings, despite my past mistakes.

I know that He is true in and out, there is not a shadow of doubt about it.

That, if, He hear my plea in the days of old, He is still the same God that come to rescue me today and tomorrow.

So, I will again proclaim it, that it is not me, the Josh that writing this blog post that is strong.

Yet, it was my Jesus all and all that is faithfully and truthfully strong, he sustains me in each and passing moment.

Even in this still same depression season of mine.

Even if this is my final post (which I hope it won't), let it be known that the God that came to Josh's rescue is faithful and he sustained him until the very last moment of his days.

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Hidden Dark Past or my twisted way of coping with childhood trauma? Another confession

A big confession first of all.

Ever since I was a small child, maybe this is a gift, maybe a curse by the devil.

I can see or feel the unsee-able.

And i can ensure you, that is not a small child hallucination of ghost or stuffs.

I can clearly see, and sometime even hear voice from invisible thingies.

It was a sunny day on Sunday during my 6 year age.

We just moved to the new house, since my Dad received his inheritance in a form of his siblings petitioned their inheritance to bought him a house.

The house near the sea shore, the adress is Ujung Belakang Olo, 17a, Padang city. 

The house of my childhood, the house of witness of nearly six year of abusive beatings from my dad, or his abusing my mother, or sister.

The house that one day blocked by a drunken fisherman that entered the premises and sleep right in front of the front door, shocked my grandma to near death as she opened the door because of his knocking on the door.

That caused me late for almost 3 hours to my 4th year elementary class, since we need to wait for the police to come and handle the situation.

The house where one day, around 300 metre radius from it premise, one day a mentally-ill person that lived as a homeless decide to suicide by drowning himself on the shore. The news shooked the neighboring fisherman community because the returning fisherman found his body floating away back to the sandy shore.

The house where during the riot of '98, the scattering rioters that tried to rob the nearing grocery store, failed in doing so, and got hit by tear gas, scattering away, and one rioter hide near the house premise.

To return to the story, sorry that I got hooked in past nostalgia for a sec there.

And so, the small me at that time, when we just moved, is still ignorant toward how the world moves, saw, a small bill of Rp 1.000 right in front of our house fence, folded into a small rectangular.

At that time, the year is 1995, before my first sister born.

And that amount of money, perhaps can be turned into at least 30 pieces of candy.

As I crouch my body to grab the money from behind the fence.

This particular voice resounded in my ear.

"Don't take the money, something is wrong with it."

The ignorant me, confused, but still listened to the somewhat a gentle woman-like voice.

At that time, i thought that perhaps is the voice of my guardian angel, or some kind of good spirit.

There is this one particular way in traditional witchcraft, of doing harm by throwing money, it's done by someone that try to gain richness using witchery, or pact with a demon to gain wealth.

Those kind of doing, usually needed a toll, usually the child of the person asking for wealth pact, or another, usually did by purposely drop money that had been enchanted on the crowd, and wait for a small kids to grab it.

I never really know about whether the money in this particular case is enchanted or not, but the warning voice is very vivid and persisting, but I basically ignored the tempting at least 30 piece of candy money.

As I grow older, that kind of occurence come to me several other time in many kind of ways.

When I got hit by the travel bus, something happened in a split second after my head hit the bus bumper, ensuring my body secure under the passing bus or before something specific happened, or some winning lottery number after a relative passed away, and many other kind of not easily explained matters.

As you know, I was phisicaly abused my my dad, and being emotionally neglected by my mom.

Maybe it's my escapism mechanism, that I somewhat grow an inkling toward the unknown, about magic and stuffs.

As I grow, that kind of 'gift' grows with me.

And I begin to vividly able to see and dreams of stuffs that is yet to happen.

Somekind of déjà vu, or stuffs similar.

It was 2002, in my junior high year, we moved to Jakarta after my dad beating my mom, resulting her run-away from home and moved to other city, not once but twice.

First to Pekanbaru, and then she was caught by my dad, and after some discussion, she decided to move back with us again, it's 2001, and during December, she got hit again, and run away for half a year until around May, to Jogja, where she tutor english with a low salary.

My first sister, Fionna was brought with her, in both occasions, but not me.

Me being desperate of abandoned, was tossed to and fro from on relatives to another.

And my dad?

He went to work to another city, leaving me to my fate with those relatives.

Our house were empty for nearly a a year, but this particular thing caught my attention, when I visited the house.

My mother unwashed clothes were nailed to the wall, and every night, my dad light an oil lamp in front of the clothes.

He told me, that he lay a visit to a shaman or local witchcraft doctor in the other town he work in, the "smart man, or in Indonesian: orang pintar, the local saying for such occupation person"

Told him to did suchs, and my dad also said, that there will be some time you will felt some thightened feeling or small pains in your chest, as a way of making your mom return home. That is what he told me, not a single letter removed.

I didn't now, whether it's just me, being the sacrificial lamb for such witcheries act or what, but yep, I really felt something along the way like that, even before I found out about all of those stuffs.

From that point on, I took dealings into my own hand.

Albeit being Christian, I never went to church, my parents are legalistic christian, but not a good parents in bringing their child toward God.

So, the magic inclined me, goes to the Taoist temple, beginning some worship and stuffs, and such stone carvings that I offered incenses, came to me in dream, and from then on, the rolling wheel of idiocy was set on the road.

2002, we moved to Jakarta, after dad and mom reunited, by the aid of his siblings. He got 11 siblings anyway, 2 lives in another country, and at least 6 other in Jakarta.

4 of them help the discussion to pursue my mom to get back together with my dad.

So, I am in Jakarta then.

One day, my bookworm young me, found this book, which titled "Seni Ilmu Hitam"or"The Art of the Dark Magic" in a well known bookstore in one mall near my place.

Such mysterious book about forbidden stuff which never will be sold normally for such bookstore with initial "G"

I spend some good hours reading the book, that somehow only that one of a kind in the whole shelf, and finished most of it, and return home.

2 days later I returned to that same bookstore, bringing money with intention to buy the book, but that book is nowhere to be found.

I am sure it isn't a dream.

But the book contain sigils of demons or pentagrams and other scribblings, then all the know how-to for rituals and many other stuff.

Which, I idiotly practiced ever since my 13 years of age, 

About those things about I can percept the invisible and other being not perceiveable by normal eyes,

We called then intuition, but they called it mind eye, which for me, is already long opened from birth, so I quickly gain my way for that idiot ways.

Is it make believe? Or do I get clear result?

Simply answering, yes.

Beside that, in my old junior high, a Catholic school, which combined with senior high building.

The bookworm me, always spend lunch breaks in library, the senior high's library, more serious and hard material book to read.

One particular book.

"Bela diri dengan indra keenam" or " self-defence with the sixth sense"

Is one of them, that I read completely.

So maybe my fate or just the twisted and sickening way the devil snares.

I know the new age way of magic, the satanist magic, the taoist eastern magic, and the mental discipline of mind cultivating from buddhist principle.

Those plentiful bounty set me in stone to pursue useless junks and idiocy. I grow arrogant in my own way of behaving, and somehow felt detached from the norm of societies.

You might not be able to imagine how horrible the things that I done at that darkest days.

That, until when I am late 15, where this lost Josh finally met Jesus. Where God make way for himself to enter the stage and saves me from ruin.

A friend brought me to church, and for the first time, I really touched strike to my core, and repents.

But the knowledge stayed in me, and sure I must repent to you, my reader, there will be time I am tempted trully to incline to my darkest past.

Sure, you might be thinking that magic is some placebo and make belief way of ancient people to cope with their dumb old ways. They were some silly old wives tale.

But, I just reminded just now.

My Buddhist aunt, right before mom left home in 2001, a year back, the year 2000, it was summer break, she convinced my dad, my so called Christian parents.

To let me joined their son to go in a retreat, a Buddhist novice monkhood retreat for 2 weeks.

So he did, and I went with them, me and my cousin got shaved and accepted as a novice monk, I even still remember how to chant in Pali till this day, and sure from that day constantly meditate.

First the Buddhist way of meditating, and from the next year when I learn from the taoist temple, another kind of how-to.

As I grow into adulthood, albeit being Christian, a born again, and even went to Theological seminary, I cannot help but notice about certain new knowledge about the art of the mindfulness, I knew about Yoga, or tai-chi, although didn't put the knowledge into practice.

Once in a while still meditate, although with no purpose in any way of doing magic or stuff.

It just help me clear my mind from problems about home.

Even my thesis in final year of college is about "enthusiasm" although be it about how Christians felt enthusiastic in worship, but I did mentioned about history of enthusiasm phenomena in other beliefs, like the usage of psychedelics in other tribal religion, like peyote for shamanistic rituals in native american, or the usage of frank-incense or myrh by Jew in the Old Testament, and stuffs, about half of it is not a new knowledge to me, since I did some kind of similar form in my teenage years.

So, let me close this conclusion.

Do I still practice magic, like I confessed to you?

Black magic, no.

But my dealings with the past deed, has their own cost.

My health and wellbeing.

Does blood of Jesus broke the curse of witchcraft and devil pacts?

In a way, yes. You didn't go to hell, that is, if you fervently repent.

But the cost my youthful idiocy, has long took their tolls in my body.

I had an ailments, known by the name of hyperthyroidism, even long way, in my early teens years.

One uncle of mine, from my mother side, during 2001, is staying in one of the relative that I was entrusted with. At that time, he study medicine, preparing to be a doctor.

In 2019, he did mentioned that he notices my condition, early signs of hyperthyroid he said, albeit never really tested in lab.

The same year, even way before early shown signs of it, I begin to dip my fingers in the way of the occult.

Price to pay?

Breathing is hard for me, tremor shaking is a nonstop norm

I get tired easily, agitated easily, get annoyed by everything, and I sometime notice that my heart stopped beating for several beat, not because I am in love of some novelties.

(I tried to make the air lighter by that crappy joke btw, don't mind me)

But yes, as days went by, albeit I took medications, but the symptoms not really subsides.

I know one day, in a way or another, this idiocy of me will cost me my life, albeit it's just some couple of years.

Well, I am tired...

I know that God is faithful, be it here now or later in eternity.

So, here I am, pacing my days, a single small step at a time. In God's faithfulness and mercy.

I know one thing for sure.

Be it now, be it later,

Everyone is going to stop breathing.

But one thing and one thing only, is the most important way of living.

The Lord's way.

So, I wait in the Lord and hope in His mercy and promises.

Like Polycarp, the disciple of John the apostle of Jesus.

When he was dragged by the Romans to be sentence to death by stabbings and burning at the stake.

He said thus,

"Eighty and six years I have served Him, and He has done me no wrong. How, then, could I blaspheme the King who saved me?"

I first read his story in the book about martyrs in seminary, and from that day, those quotes has encourage me to life my days, and abandoning my old wicked ways of past idiocy.

Yes, until this day, that same intuitive curse is still with me.

But no, I never wishes nor hope to return to my past wrongdoing.

Be they tempted me so much with a juicy looking apple yet rotten core.

So here I stand, proclaiming Jesus has been faithful to me, and He is my sole Saviour, He had clothed my shameful nakedness of soul, and He renewed my heart so I can begin to reciprocate His love, and learn to love Him.

I abdicate my flesh willings and choose to lived in a selibacy way, purely because I realised how the way I think and how I perceive the world has turned slow but sure, in a drastic sense.

No I never seen angels nor there any opened heaven moments, but,

Yes, I did heard voices, I believe deeply was God's

And in many ways or another, He has made Himself known to me, and He convinced me so much so, that I felt His presence in many forms and ways.

So, yes, I am a Christian, a truly born again, still struggling with my sins and daily need of a forgiveness from God, but in all that matters, I pursue my personal holiness, a life of purity, be in in my mind, spoken or doings. 

I am not some kind of saints of wannabees hypocrite, but I confess albeit I fall and struggle in many time, but I hope God in His mercy and patience just like how the Theophany of Jesus bared with the clinging clutch of the struggling Jacob whole night long.

I too hope that God will be patient too with me, waiting me to finally fulfill the truest purpose of my life calling. And with His Mercy, sustain my heart so I might follow him. Each passing day, each single step, each tears and sweat, blood and pain, each rocky cliff, each low valley.

That He, my God, will be with me. Always ..

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My prayer to my family and loved ones

May Your mercy loves them fully as is in ancient days

May You restore their heart with Your faithfulness

May You hold them steady by Your Grace

And may God renew their heart so they will love You

Even if one day I will be gone from this world

May You, my God that I follow from my youth, will still loves them in Your great and perfect loving kindness

As You has first loved me in my ancient days.

As Your mercy first found me, as You clothed my shamefulness with mercy, and washed my wicked heart clean by Your love.

May You alway goes with them in every season of their life.

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Untitled

Even when I finally got to close my eyes

And never to open them again

Tomorrow the sun will still rise,

The morning dew will not wait for me

The bird will leave their nest and chirp joyously

The world will not stop, and for me nobody will cry.

Old friend, when tomorrow come without me

Let my words be left untold, let this poem be left unfinished.

For in my lackings, there laid my beauty.

That there is beauty, even in the absence of perfection.

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