I'm lost

Hear me my friend,

I had a constant fear that come and goes throughout my life. And it's constantly come to me almost every single day.

I am afraid, if one of my family members, suddenly died.

We all dies, death is inevitable for all beings on this universe.

And they come like thiefs, catching you completely unguarded.

This fear, getting intense as I meet the person daily.

What if, what if this or that happens?

More than ever, be it Mom, Dad, Nana, Angel, Icik'po, Ai'po, anyone I loved and those I hold dear inside me.

Just like the deafening breaking news at the break of the dawn, the day Marco passed. I was caught completely unguarded. It's hurting so bad, to lost anyone.

I'm afraid, what if something bad happened to Mom, Dad, or Nana, or Angel, or anyone.

And at the face of such terrors, I left unable to move myself. As if my defense mechanism is frozen up before danger.

I'm lost of what to do, what should I do, if something's happened? And one day they will surely will happen...

And I am not ready for that day, never in a million years if we see it from my present pace.

Tonight, unlike any other nights, the fear got intensified further.

If before, the fear is barely manageable, because I'm aware that it's only happening inside my head.

But tonight, I can't help myself but doubting my fear, second guessing everything.

After last December, after the end of store's rent contract, and decided moving to stay in Dad's house, I lived under one roof this past month with him, again after so many years.

Dad, is a chain smoker, he will empty nearly two packages in a day, if not 3.

These past week, he often complained about having short of breath. That he got tired easily, unlike in his prime days.

This past two days, the coughing started out of nowhere.

And he stayed awake till late, complaining having trouble with breathing. Last night it's around 3 in the morning, and tonight he went to bed early, only to wake up in a rush, because of heavy coughing while grasping for air.

I'm afraid, my friend, that it is what I think it is... And if it turns out to be what I feared, than it's none other than a tumor in his lungs, some clear indication, that it's late stage.

And if it is such ... Then, my world will finally crumbles

I prayed from day 1 of my conversion, to this very day.

For restoration, not a tragedy of separation in pain...

But I am blind, by my own greed, my personal ego and agendas. And my wisdom is practically nonexistent.

I'm stupid to the core, O'Lord... I'm dumb as a mule, and I had no wisdom. But before You, O All Consuming Fire, I lay down humbly, with my hopes, with my fears, with my joy, with my tear filled eyes, with my pains.... Before The Almighty, I bow down to His Sovereign Wills.

Friends, I'm scared.

Scared that tomorrow will come and I knocked on his bedroom door, finding him stonecold already. If not tomorrow, it could be some other day, and the constant fear will run me down once again.

I'm being completely honest to you, watching him troubled with ailments broke my heart and even if I'm not showing anything, God knows how many times I cried inside with unspoken groaning.

Friends, I confess to you, that I am reaching yet another lower ground in my struggle.

And my friend, I'm afraid that there will be no other time for saying goodbyes, and I will regret it for the rest of my days.

I don't know what to do, nor no longer know what to ask to God, I still hope deep down that this is just another early teaser for a surreal April Fools jokes. I really wished for it to be so.

But know this, I'm afraid, I'm weak, and albeit I'm not proud of it, I still confide what I'm feeling right now to you.

Yours truly,

Pekanbaru, 05 January 2024, 9.32pm

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today is today, unlike the other day, but it's still yet another day...

Well, where do we start?

Okay, let's drop the bomb with no further hassles.

I cut myself, by accident.

It was, my left index finger.

I'm so done with knife accidents.

But today, is perhaps the epitome of most accidental injury.

Mind you, it's hard to digest what I'm showing here.

That's, my fella, is the injury.

I've bandaged it with a positive pressure, because even after a few hours already, it is, still an open injury.

The darkened blotch of where a finger nail supposedly be, is oxidized blood.

I slipped while cutting a cabbage shreds, and hit directly and went through with the santoku I'm holding at that time, and chipped nearly half of my fingernail, exposing what lies underneath,

What a genius I am.

And as you perhaps might not know.

Underneath your nails, are full of blood vessels.

So, without positive pressure on the dressing, I'm going to continue on oozing blood from the wound. But the tightening from the bandage is constricting the blood flow, deprived my tissues of oxygen.

I'm going to keep watching on it waiting the clots to finally formed so I can release the pressure and wish for a speedy healing.

As you know already, my constant tremors hindered me from normal activities that even babies could do. 

Well, not babies, it's an exaggeration.

But, even holding still a knife blade in position is hard for me.

It's sad, for real, and it is painful, both in heart and physically on my index finger now.

But yes, the me that you know so far, is this weak and mortally feeble me. And I'm upset with this faulty physical body.

But this to, need to make do, that this feebleness is temporary, there is still a better promise of perfection when Christ returns.

So despite all, I'm trying my best, with this God given response, to wait in this promise of His.

So, pardon me, from putting a hiatus for further posts at least until my finger get healed.

So, till we meet again, world...

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