Hear me my friend,
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I had a constant fear that come and goes throughout my life. And it's constantly come to me almost every single day.
I am afraid, if one of my family members, suddenly died.
We all dies, death is inevitable for all beings on this universe.
And they come like thiefs, catching you completely unguarded.
This fear, getting intense as I meet the person daily.
What if, what if this or that happens?
More than ever, be it Mom, Dad, Nana, Angel, Icik'po, Ai'po, anyone I loved and those I hold dear inside me.
Just like the deafening breaking news at the break of the dawn, the day Marco passed. I was caught completely unguarded. It's hurting so bad, to lost anyone.
I'm afraid, what if something bad happened to Mom, Dad, or Nana, or Angel, or anyone.
And at the face of such terrors, I left unable to move myself. As if my defense mechanism is frozen up before danger.
I'm lost of what to do, what should I do, if something's happened? And one day they will surely will happen...
And I am not ready for that day, never in a million years if we see it from my present pace.
Tonight, unlike any other nights, the fear got intensified further.
If before, the fear is barely manageable, because I'm aware that it's only happening inside my head.
But tonight, I can't help myself but doubting my fear, second guessing everything.
After last December, after the end of store's rent contract, and decided moving to stay in Dad's house, I lived under one roof this past month with him, again after so many years.
Dad, is a chain smoker, he will empty nearly two packages in a day, if not 3.
These past week, he often complained about having short of breath. That he got tired easily, unlike in his prime days.
This past two days, the coughing started out of nowhere.
And he stayed awake till late, complaining having trouble with breathing. Last night it's around 3 in the morning, and tonight he went to bed early, only to wake up in a rush, because of heavy coughing while grasping for air.
I'm afraid, my friend, that it is what I think it is... And if it turns out to be what I feared, than it's none other than a tumor in his lungs, some clear indication, that it's late stage.
And if it is such ... Then, my world will finally crumbles
I prayed from day 1 of my conversion, to this very day.
For restoration, not a tragedy of separation in pain...
But I am blind, by my own greed, my personal ego and agendas. And my wisdom is practically nonexistent.
I'm stupid to the core, O'Lord... I'm dumb as a mule, and I had no wisdom. But before You, O All Consuming Fire, I lay down humbly, with my hopes, with my fears, with my joy, with my tear filled eyes, with my pains.... Before The Almighty, I bow down to His Sovereign Wills.
Friends, I'm scared.
Scared that tomorrow will come and I knocked on his bedroom door, finding him stonecold already. If not tomorrow, it could be some other day, and the constant fear will run me down once again.
I'm being completely honest to you, watching him troubled with ailments broke my heart and even if I'm not showing anything, God knows how many times I cried inside with unspoken groaning.
Friends, I confess to you, that I am reaching yet another lower ground in my struggle.
And my friend, I'm afraid that there will be no other time for saying goodbyes, and I will regret it for the rest of my days.
I don't know what to do, nor no longer know what to ask to God, I still hope deep down that this is just another early teaser for a surreal April Fools jokes. I really wished for it to be so.
But know this, I'm afraid, I'm weak, and albeit I'm not proud of it, I still confide what I'm feeling right now to you.
Yours truly,
Pekanbaru, 05 January 2024, 9.32pm
