There is only One Truth, one testimony

My mind got tickled to write this, after all of those rantings I did this past 2 years.

Of why, this person, is a Christian. Not that I didn't doubt it myself before, to be honest to you.

There are many religions on planet earth, and the universe is vast, to big and to plenty to measure and count.

In Indonesia alone, 6 religion is legal and acknowledged by the country, on another country another different religion were affirmed by the law.

Too many belief systems, why limit myself to plain old boring church tales?

To be very honest with you, despite born in a Christian family (both my parents are Christian, and yes you can, being Christian doesn't instantly guarantee you being a good person). I had my fair share of believing in religions.

That time when I go to Langkat for pabbajja for 5th grade graduation elementary school. Pabbajja is a 'lower ordination' in Buddhist terminology, despite being a Christian by birth, I got my head shaved, and renounce the secular world for at least 10 days, meditating as a novice monk, chanting paritta. If that counts, and I bet that counts as me vowing before buddha that I lay myself under the umbrella of dharma.

I remember my freshly shaven bald and chubby younger me, taking the three vow and was given monk garment, doning the monk robe.

"buddhang saranang gacchami, dhammang saranang gacchami, sanghang saranang gacchami"

That's the very first vow that any novice monk candidate spoken when they first ordinated. Meaning respectively the layperson proclaiming that they came to take refuge under the buddha, his teaching which is dharma, and the community of monks that teach the dharma.

Of course it's just a spoken words.

But spiritually speaking, words contain power within it, the intention behind the spoken words are a fuel for something done beyond the mortal realm.

By saying that mantra in the past, I can be said, surrendering myself under the buddha, his teaching, and his disciples.

Spiritually speaking, I really take refuge under buddhism. More than over, being a novice monk, learning dharma, didn't I get a view and glimpses of what buddhism is and their version of truth.

In that sense alone, until that conclusion in the past, technically I come in contact with Buddhism.

And then, the day when I went to taoist temple and pray for this deity or that deity for numerous time, and which they really came into my dreams, teaching me taoist magic and many occult stuffs. Didn't I also learnt about the Tao version of their so called 'truth' back then?

Doesn't that make me a taoist practitioner? Yes I was indeed, sadly.

When I chanted om and meditate using the dharani mantra, and did yoga, didn't I also learned about hinduism indirectly back then? By which I already did, and was once put to practice for quite some time.

When I casted some sigils invoking Astaroth, which whom I made a pact with in order for me to gain magic. Didn't I also know and learn to be aware of the version of proclaimed as 'truth' being advertised by the satanists? I did and I was indeed.

Back when I was in seminary, I also read the qur'an and become to know about islamic view and version of truth, and back in elementary, the school is a catholic school, meaning I did went to cathedral and receive my first holy communion from a priest.

I can rightly said, I've experienced quite a few religions, systems of beliefs, theological doctrines from different beliefs. And also learned by researching about a few minor religions during my 2 years of being satanist focusing on magical religions. The voodoo from Africa, the hoodoos from the mix-mashed voodo derivatives.

The hoo'pono-pono of Hawaiian, and even the kejawen of Javanese Hinduism and Islamic assimilation, which weirdly familiar with Taoism, since the goals is the pretty much the same, manunggaling kawulo gusti (the unification of the created being with the one and only God), same with taoist whom pursue the unification of man and Tao, the representative of the ultimate Truth, pretty seemingly same with God under other religion's sense.

So, I've been to know and not just stopping there, but also learned deeper about each and every religion there is.

There is one silver lining here.

If you know that satanic belief is the antithesis of Christianity, that their followers wilfully worship satan as their god. Then, there is one hidden Truth there.

The Bible said, that satan is the old snake from the Genesis, the very same snake that tempted Eve to eat from the tree of knowledge.

According to Jesus, satan is a liar, and the father of all lies.

Orthodox Christianities, meaning those long dead ancestors during the 3rd century till the 18th century, believe that all paganism are false beliefs.

And they just stopped there, without truly try to discern where the belief is wrong biblically speaking.

They just claimed that if you worship god, more than one, than big chance, your religion is wrong, and you're a pagan.

If your god isn't Jesus, then pagan, off to the stake to be burn, the gallows to be hanged, and so on.

But where does the wrong beliefs are, nobody knows.

By that very standard, doesn't that make old age Christianity the same class with today's Islamic fanatics?

*I don't care, and I don't want to know, your religion is wrong, mine is right*

Sounds familiar eh?

So, let me return to my middle ground of arguments and my starting line before fully and wholeheartedly being a Christian.

As my years are still green at that time, I know that my argument were not rock-solid, but I believe that's where God come into play, sustaining my faith in Him.

It is simply, grace.

Christianity claimed that satan is a liar, and he is a liar indeed.

He lied through and through, the angel of darkness enshrouded themselves under the cloak of light, pretending to be the light.

That is the truth.

The satanists claimed that the true god of this world is satan, and the God from the bible is stealing all the limelight from satan.

Half of it is true at least. Satan was and still is indeed the ruler of this world at the moment, just for now at the very least.

So, to those atheist, they can have some candy before leaving my post.

That the universe exist is a proof that someone created it, at the very least something. But because God isn't a thing, and the only gender neutral pronouns available in English language is 'it', and God isn't an 'it', God is a person, so we address God as a He, as Jesus also proclaim God as the Father, then God is indeed 'He'.

God exist, you and me doesn't exist if there is no universe to begin with, and because the universe is there, then it means something or someone must have been doing the creation of it. 

That is another truth.

No, and still no, thank you, very well goodbye, my scientific atheist nerd friends, as a nerd myself, I did my homework properly too myself.

If we use the arguments about big bang, that the latest claims believe that the big star that went 'BANG' is rather yet another universe, a previous version of universe, and our universe is probably universe 2.0, or somewhere along the line.

Still a no, the universe must have come out from one point of start. Be it gravity like the M and Q theory dictates, still, gravity came out from something, hence another point for creationists.

So, dear atheist friends let's eat your candy and start listening to me, stop complaining from the corner where you hug your knees there.

Where was I? Aah yes, universe is there because God made it.

If God is the side responsible for creation, it means, everything within the creation must not be above the creator, hence we called God as Creator.

If we try to conceptualised the Creator and try to sum a description for it, then one thing for sure, the Creator must be out of those things and not limited by those things they created.

Now, everything under the sky, above the sky, and beyond it is created. Time, gravity, space and everything is created. So God is for sure beyond and above them all.

The satanists claimed that God isn't really a good one, and they claim the true god is satan.

Well, that's a lie for sure. As for another beliefs from another religion, they too are found faulty in the end of the day.

Buddha said that God exist, but Buddha said rather than busying ourselves to try to find God, which is impossible, because God is beyond all creation, hence impossible to find. Let's focus on our lives, our samsara, our kleshas that bounds us to be reincarnated and built up karmas to define our life cycle of reincarnations. Let's forget them all and let's try to be buddha.

Nah, I'm not gonna follow the person who try to create a new stream beyond the preexisting law of universe just because he claimed that he is awakened and founded a new path of liberation, doesn't really mean that he is right.

Then Islam, is basically a late comer borrowing many scriptures passage from the Torah and the Bible.

And then this madmen claimed that the previous preexisting religion which they copy-pasted the scriptures from are in the wrong.

Sane? Are you drunk? Did they drink too much from just water and got drunk so they babbling nonsense?

The Taoist believe that the origin of everything is Tao, and we don't know what it's name, so we only called them "Tao" (literal meaning is "road" or "the way")

Tao created everything within the universe and Tao is the source of everything, and everything under creation reflects the Tao contained within them.

Jesus said, that He is "The Way, The Truth, And Life"

Why does it so hard to just accept it, He repeatedly argues and that He really is the Way, the Tao, if you may say, for He came from above to spoke about what's really there above. But the world refuse to believe them.

Yes, satan is indeed the current ruler of this world, for now.

He lied and lied and lay low undercover as deities from other belief systems. Proclaiming himself and his cronies as deities.

That, until the truest Way come to make the truth came out for all to see.

...

Now, this following statement of mine, can be a bit controversial and have no other basis to claim as a comparison as these are basically a subjective experience, based on a hypothesis that I came to term from my personal experience. They are prone to be faulty in the sense of an argument, of that I'm fully aware of.

As you know, I can see things not many can see.

In blatant way of laying it out to you, I can see ghosts, and many things which usually reside in the spiritual dimension.

You might say that I was too young to know, and as any young children, it is hard to differentiate between reality and imagination.

Sadly, if what you say is a mere kid vivid imagination, why does they persist until this very day where I'm a full grown adult, believing that logical thinking and scientific data are important to proof an argument.

Yes, I am a bit sensitive about this topic myself, if you ask me, I'm a bit reluctant to say that I can, because that's a start for a long taunting and jeer in today's modern society.

But for argument and explanation sake, let's continue.

I am born with what the secular neo-spiritualism called 'gift'.

I can only borrow this term, sixth sense.

Because those innate capacities fall under those categories.

I can dream of things before it occurs, so all my childhood was filled with me suspecting my dream and real life. Because when I experienced something, the sense of deja vu is often, I felt that I already experienced this thing, but where and when, I cannot explain quite well.

But yes, I've experienced them in my dream two or three days ahead, that is quite the norm for me.

I can see things that is not physically there, and I can communicate with those beings.

That's why I am dragged toward occultism in my teens.

So, to put them on a simpler term, I was born with an acute intuition. By which, enable me to be in tune with some things and frequency which most normal day average human were unable to.

I remember when my grandmother's older brother passed away, the night after his burial. I dreamt that he is riding a bike with me sitting on the post behind his seat, he brought me to buy snacks, it was back in 1995, where inflation isn't really there yet.

A small bottle of cola is around Rp.1000,- approximately 10 cents in todays USD, or around 50 cents in that years IDR-USD currency exchange rate.

What intriguing in that dream is, the price of the sodas, one was Rp.14,- and the other bottle is priced Rp.11,-

In that dream this oldest grandpa (according to the Chinese hierarchy of addressing title), looked at me with a serious look, and repeated to me the price of the soda.

Like "Josh, this one is Rp.11, and this one is Rp.14," while staring at me in a serious manner.

The next morning, I told the story to my mom, which relayed to her aunt, my other grandmother, who sell lottery, the kind of gambling which was common back then.

And you might guess it already, that's the winning lotto number that day, the sum of those number, 25 is the winning number.

My grandma and aunt treats me with 3 sticks of ice cream that day, because that dream turn out to be a real lotto's winning dream.

That's one example from many other, of how my intuitive nature, were able to somehow explain things not yet occurs, way before they come into existence.

And this very series of innate capacities, is what drawn me towards the magic and stuffs.

As I come to know about satanism ideology, the previous facade of this ghost and that deities were suddenly unveiled.

I now know that what turn to be this taoist deity that went to visit my dream, was actually a form of mask an angel of satan used to ease me with their agenda, drawing me toward occult art.

Those forms of demonic beings in mythology and traditional folklore, were actually none other but those fallen angels, trying to scare people out of their sense, and by doing such, using fear, making people to obey them, and suchalikes.

And here where I came to term with Christianity.

When I try to compare or making any comparisons within my mind, about which claim from which beliefs saying that their gods is the truest god, then according to the hidden secret in satanic belief, the other deity from other religions turned out to be a demon on disguise, except One, well actually Three in One, but that's a topic of controversy even amongst Christian themselves.

But yes, all turns out to be deceiving, except One, the God from the Bible is the only God who is not a demon in disguise.

This is surely controversial for other religions beside mine, but sorry that I'm not sorry for that.

This deva, that devi, this celestial beings in that beliefs that beliefs, were actually not really who they are originally depicted in their original teaching, some deity are borrowed from another religion, another ethnic groups, preceding civilization deities that persist because their worshippers survived to the next civilization, and suchalikes.

With that, is where God took place, soon after the failed attempts to un-alive-ing myself. That's where the God that reveals Himself through Jesus, came to live in my head, mind, and soul.

Well, I dragged the entry for too long, and before I run into unnecessary conclusion trying to lure you with any pretense, let's end the post here.

If you really experienced what I did in my past, or something similar to this, somewhere along the way, and if you also arrived at the same conclusion to mine. Then you will understand what I felt in this entry, as you turned out to my brothers and sisters in Christ.

And I'm also happy for you.

 

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last confession to spill, I promise

In my pursue of finding peace of mind, and also my long awaited desire of finally healed from my past painful memories, that's the fittest answer for this past years confessions.

It was said, that if you can jote down your problem, then the problems is already half-solved.

So, I'm doing this past 2 years of being honest to my pains, and accepted those feelings and see them as the way it is, with no facade and plain arguments to try justify them, of why they should be and how they intented to be, just laying the facts bare, plainly before me.

In hope, when I get to finally understand where things gone wrong, I might grow better and know how to act better in the future.

I've told you already my reader, about how I was abused physically by my Dad, that my whole childhood is filled with blackened and blue face because my Dad is easy with his hand and kicks that he granted me those disciplining barrage of physical abuse.

And of how my mother is emotionally unavailable most of the time during my childhood and early puberty.

Now, is the time for my biggest kept secret and my most embarrassing hidden past to come out from their hiding place, so I may finally be free of guilt and shame, and pained no more.

As a child, I was devoid of love showcases, no emotional support, nor any physical act of love were given to me.

You can surely say, and you might also be correct if you said that I grow lacking love, and as a result my self-image or how I should see my identity and how to better embrace myself and giving the love that my child me is missing from the bigger picture.

I grow up in a big question mark in my subconscious, of why I was born, and how I should lives on, all the while confused with all the emotional storm I experienced while growing, never really understood what kind of emotions was there, and why they made me felt what, and how I should react with that spilled emotions.

I'm a monster if I'm not good enough, that how I best described how my teenage me described the sensations and confusing thoughts that jumbled over me all those years, never really understand what is love, what is kindness, what is good, what is noble, what is guilt, what is mercy, and so on, and so forth.

As if a parrot, parroting the dialog and human speeches, but never in their whole live understand what are the meaning behind those words of human languages they parroting, I grow to be a mimic, copying from others of how I should react in this case, and how to reply in other situations, yet the gist of the problem weren't really fixed yet.

I know how to get mad when someone crosses me wrongly, I know how to properly react without turning into a savage, and I know how to better talk the arguments so the problem can be solved without many issues. But they weren't really of how I saw and not really out of my own understanding of the situation.

That was the teenage me thought of process.

And some of my teenage me, is still here today, in some extent of form and manifestation in some cases.

___

Let's stop the heavy topic there, and continue about the identity topic more.

As I stated just now, I grow up confused, about almost everything, and that doesn't come to be an issue, not until I was in seminary.

Being fatherless while your biological is alive and kicking and still lives under one roof with you sure is a dilemma on its own side.

And as Christian, it become problematic, because God revealed Himself as the Father figure, and it's even harder to build a relationship with God, even more so, you're going to seminary, meaning, you are preparing to equip yourself with the proper attitude and knowledge to better serve God, being a man of religion, a clergy, a servant of God.

How can you reveal God is good if one never really experienced God? How can one know that God is the good Father, while they struggle to know God as a Father?

That's my struggle back than.

Introducing you, with a person that claimed to be a servant of God to the stage now.

A friend of mine, that I saw as a spiritual sister, introduced me to this person. That he is a preacher, a missionary, that spent his years serving the Lord in the middle of nowhere in Papua region, building schools for poverty stricken kids, and many other humanitarian goodness there.

To me, she introduced with good intent, that this person, is married, but didn't have any biological child, that's why this couple so and so, quote and quotes, "adopt" kids as their spiritual children, and most majority were child with problematic family background.

For almost a year I become to know this "Papa" and begin to see him as the father figure that I never had before.

So far is so good, because, even more, he eagerly provide me with tuition aid to pay for my seminary semester tuition.

That, until one day, he came to Jakarta, for a ministry, a church invite him to preach.

I went once, and somehow 'fallen' to this image of good servant of God he showed. No hidden meaning were intended in this statement so far.

That, until, the second time meeting him, and once again, another ministry of his, with a little twist afterward.

To me, he stated that he is going to the airport the next morning, as it is late already, why not joined him to stay overnight at his place, 'don't worry, there will be other brothers there' he added.

Those brothers he mentioned was his other 'adopted' sons, which during the 2 hour get-to-know them, the gist are they are like me, fatherless child, while their biological dad still living together, but they grow lacking a father's love.

The still unsuspecting me, was called to join this 'papa' in his room, we talked for quite a while.

Then,

He molested me.

I was awaken during my slumber, to his hand creeping all over, which stopped because he noticed me awaking. 

I was barely able to hold it, somewhere over a new environment, no smartphone to book some online cab to run away, while I surely aware of his other 3 to 4 sons staying downstairs.

I kept my silence out of fear the whole night, staying awake as much as I could, then the next morning, he offered me a cab ride with him to my parents house, which I ask him to let me on the sideway, lying that my house is across the street away, but the truth is I brought him to wrong address, then went home by myself after his cab left.

This is my biggest dark past, the one thing that become a stumbling block for me, that leaving me further broken apart.

If you're in my shoes, I don't have a happy childhood, and was a child abuse survivor. I must cope and make do with my traumas and thankfully to God I met Him and felt deep down that He called me to serve Him, and to my best knowledge, I willingly enter a seminary, learning pastoral theology.

Then this new stranger hiding behind the face of a father figure, turns out to be a sexual offender, and I'm not his only victim, turns out he was once suspended from ministry for a few years back, but he came out clean and back to ministering. He even still quite a big figure till this very day. Hence why I didn't put any idenfier to his character in this entry.

What are the repercussions of this occurrence?

Firstly, I troubled to find and 'fix' this father figure issue, and that dragged on for years if not decades for me.

Second, I finish my seminary years, but I was a bit reluctant to be servant of God, joining no ministry nor churches at all.

And lastly, my identity crisis worsen, and further confusion after confusion came through the years

This following statement of mine might not politically proper to the world agenda nowadays about the alphabet's group, the l,g,b and t society.

Orientation, in this case, sexual orientation, was not made from birth. Mine is triggered by this shameful past, that darned molestation is what left a deep scar and painful memories.

I am bisexual, as I still find myself able to be attracted toward the opposite gender, but at the same time, the attraction toward same gender is there simultaneously.

As how I finally came to term with it, is when I finally came out of my closet to Nana. She was understanding and have a heart big enough to contain her brother biggest secret.

Sure, yes, I am aware of the attraction toward man my age, no, not older, as that creep is older, so it become a traumatic experience to me.

But, no, I don't date men, nor further the urge so it came into any fruition. Meaning, I never try to find any meetup nor dates, and progressed the urge further.

That's how I try my best to keep myself under constant check.

And finally, how I project my future effort of sin-battling as I know homosexual isn't Biblical, and no bigotry enter the heaven.

I vowed the celibacy vow, on my own accord, making a promise on my self to God, after constantly praying for it for years.

When I'm 28, I vowed to God on my last day being 28, a day before my 29th birthday, I told God, that I know of this urge of finding company from the same gender, an intimate kind of company, and I know it's a sin, that should not come to any fruition. So may God be my sole strength so I never try to find dates, nor any inappropriate act that is not according to the Bible, and to be safe, I'm vowing to spend my life in celibacy, not to marry nor intermingle with other sexually.

So far, it's been 5 years of hard road to threaded upon, but I know God is faithful and He heard my desperate cries.

I didn't get to follow my sinful nature into fruition, in emphasis of being a bisexual on top of that.

Despite growing in a Chinese household, where those nosy aunties of mine kept asking me when am I going to give my Mom a daughter in law, I repeatedly answered of my vow of keeping a pure life.

Then, that's it, the darkest secret is out in the open now.

May I be free of burdens that hindered me be healed of my painful past, may I be finally be able to forgive myself, and may I be a better lover of Christ, through the years to come, may I grow wiser and better in my faith, so I can proudly said that God has been good to me through my years, and He sustained my heart so much so, that still stand through His mercy in me.

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Untitled

I noticed, and I bet you all noticed them too, that my post for these past years are rather gloomy and depressing.

Well, I tell you why.

I am clinically depressed.

Well, not using a fancy term to self diagnose-ing myself here. I did seek help and got assessed by professional once.

And here's the secret twist of it.

I refused medication and treatment, meaning, I discontinue the help given to treat my diagnosis.

And I don't know myself why.

Maybe on one way or another, I held the false beliefs, or rather the pretense that depressions is a result of not praying enough.

Well, they were wrong and I know myself about it. I know and I can even write you a long thesis about why clinical depression is not a result of not praying enough, I might be able to compile you with 300 doctrinal and other quotes from most notorious theological figureheads even if you may. 

But that's not it.

.... 

Gee, it's getting awkward, and I'm dragging my line here, my mind is blank at the moment.

Lately I got trouble focusing on things, that's for one reason why. 

My depression progresses even further, is another reason.

Kinda complicated and I know sanely enough of how and what to do, but I just won't, and I don't know myself quite well why.

....

Somewhere around the end of 2019, I noticed myself that there were episodes where I get gloom, and withdraw from crowds, to the extent of hindering me doing some daily routine.

You see, I'm a Christian, and a quite serious born-again, mind-renewed, sin-battling kind of Christian, that not a mere label I adress myself with in my conscious mind I believe.

And you also might see, that I was drawn toward occultism or rather the fancier terminologies, the 'art of mental awareness' and also the 'science of awakening the soul'

That's a lot for fancy and elusive way to describe an occult paradoxical view.

But yes, I'm confessing that I still meditate like the Eastern meditation way, and also at the same time, as how I read from Nana's IG story, about ps. Rick Warren's today devotion, 'rumminating' the bible.

What I'm trying to say here is, that I was training my mind and self-consciousness, to be in a constant state of certain 'awareness'

And in that perspective, my defence is, that I'm not practicing magic and spells and stuffs, but rather the capacity to having mental clarity is my ideal way of progressing my daily life.

If other people say that we need focus to do task done, I saw it further, that is to understand the progress of focusing while doing the job done.

So, I try not only to focus on what I was doing on the day, but also desire to understand the progress of thought that were in play at the time I'm focusing, and that helped me a lot, yet unbeknownst to me, also tiring.

So, my meditating for 5 to 12 minutes, and not so average on daily basis routines, is a way for me to harness my mind clarity, so I can be a tad bit more alert and aware of things on my surroundings.

A bit vague huh?

Lemme put on my example for you.

You see, my previous office were beside the office complex, and not much going there, only sounds from cars and vehicles roaring beyond the sound-insulated windows, and maybe keyboards ticking by other workers,

While my office is the furthest back and I work alone in mine.

At the same time, my 'elevated' awareness make me sensitive to all things occuring around me, meaning, I still hearing footsteps of people walking the stairs, from the next building. Or pipe rattling in-between the walls, and people upstairs chatting when they speak louder, and, or when a big vehicle's exhaust roaring on the street + 40 meters across from my office room, and I can follow the sound from the street end-to-end, spanning a few hundreds of meters down the road. That's only from picking the sounds, not to say, the temperature, the vibrations on the glass walls, and suchalikes, you can say my five senses are working on a higher performance during my 'elevated' awareness.

That's why, noises, when they were too many, irks me, so much so, that's why daily on average I just plugged my ear with an earphone, with nothing playing on it, just to muffle the noise down a bit.

I never know that all of those noises are also a burden and could be tiresome, until one day, the sudden realisation that I'm clinically depressed.

And not to say, some overworking and occupational stresses, and lastly the situation from back home, meaning, my family situation.

All of those stuffs, were pent-up and stacking to form a huge mountain, and I'm overwhelmed, suddenly one day waking up not being able to do anything.

....

I'm staying at the office a few years since I'm returning from Solo, back to my office in Jakarta. By which, is another reason for feeling ashamed of, before I rent a 'flat' a two room space and stay with Nana.

I got moved to Solo somewhere around 2017, because at that time I'm working as a clergyman in the accounting department, my workload at that time doubled up with me being an audit staff at the same time.

The work description at that time, is recording the transaction of a company, which isn't the company I'm working for, I mean, my company, is a family run business, and that cursed paperwork, are a kind of paper company likewise, while the transaction were real, run in a store belonging to my boss's sibling, the paperwork of financial statement isn't.

That's not tax evasion, my supervisor said, but rather a 'management', so they still paying taxes, but not the correct number, because there were item's from taxes categories being switched here and there to and fro, so much so, the number were unchanged at all, but rather the final tax being paid isn't really in the proper fees.

Then the next year came along, where I got promoted to do accounting for another family run company owned byy boss's father, a catering business, which, with all due respect, isn't really transparent because it's a family run business once again.

How do you feel, received a receipt from a bag purchase, from a notorious designer brand, and were told to transform the receipt into another receipt of buying a few tonnes of fresh produce from the market? How does it feels to input the transaction of a trip to Japan with all of it's expenses, but to put the report as a fee of cooking classes and accomodations in Japan?

With all due respect, I resigned from the same company and switched to another division under the same company, and planning to use my license properly.

You see, despite graduating from seminary, I earned myself a few license in brokerage and investment world, so I do have the proper know-how as an investment consultant, and also legally enlisted on the Nation's registry as a brokerage license holder. It's just I don't really used then properly before.

In the past, I innocently saw the opportunity to work in multiple different divisions as a new experience to enrich my knowledge at that time. But in practice, after years of trying working as a professional in multiple perspectives of discipline, what I saw and seen are mere multiple practice of rule-bending, still legal, but it hurts my conscience as a God obeying Christian.

So, with my seemed to be ignorant resolution, I submit a request of transfer for another company under the same boss, and burry myself under a ton of paperwork making stock analysis.

Sadly my pipedream broke out with a ton of mess, the same work culture is there, my work was claimed under my new supervisor, and another person claiming my hard labour felt different to my heart.

Then, the epitome came, my boss asked me for a license, where the purpose of borrowing that license is to start a small foundation, a kind of small lending agency, no, not a loanshark, but rather a union, where our existing clients were brought within the community, where they 'enrich' those clients with 'proper' community and education about investment, while opening possibilities for existing members to borrow a sum of funds to start a small business of their own, with the company help promoting the new micro business across the community, with a small charge.

That's the ideal preface and context.

But,

That very same year, two similar union were brought to the media, where such foundation abuses their clients money. And in the end of the day, when all clients asking for their money back, the union is unable to pay them all

So, despite having no job option, I resigned. Ultimately resigned my way out from the company, for final.

Then the next year  my sister got married, then Mom got the flu, and Dad left home, and the urge of returning home to help my kin back home arises.

Despite having clinical depression since back in the '18, I kept pushing myself, and not seldom, with prayers, fastings, Word of God's proclamation, and many other.

Yet, depression is still there.

Do I somehow lack in my spiritual devotions and disciplines? I believe that's not the case here.

Once a year since my depression (2019 and 2020, but mot 2021 and 2022 as my autoimmune disease worsen), I held a 40 day fast, like what Jesus did in the desert, how cool are they if you compare a devotion with mortal terms?

But no, they were Spirit driven thirst, not a mere vane glory nor delusional unnecessary attempts to cure this depression, not that, and won't ever be.

I did awake till late night due to anxiety and panic attack.

And yes I tend to overthink in times

What I can't help with is stress, the what seemed to be my old driving force, now worsen my autoimmune disorders.

You see here, hyperthyroidism and stress doesn't go along well, if you stressed, your autoimmunity gonna turn the wrong way and give you another attack.

And I struggle to cope even daily, to manage the stress.

That in it self is already time consuming, tiring and mental exhausting.

Not to say, the prone to triggered hormonal disruption caused by the heightened thyroid hormones.

Not to forget about the constant twitching, tremors, giddy feeling that I constantly felt during my waking hours, my hand and feet can't stop the small twitch and tremors, I got tired easily, bored with the same old menu repetition but can't help myself to cook for myself due to Indonesian table salt containing iodine, thyroid most beloved triggering agent.

Oh how plenty are the reason to be ungrateful, and how many are the multitudes of trigger during the day to get stressed under daily.

My dad, despite the answered prayer to make the stranger woman that is not my mother, whom he slept with in his other home, is finally left the town. Yet my dad still living alone in the other house, quite far from the store we currently reside and where I tend to sell the products daily.

The ever so jealous neighboring store which also sells plastic containers, which turn to dark force sending witchery and curse to make the store void of customers, the constant spiritual warfare isn't really my forte, not that much so that this tired mortal body could took as my not so nourishing daily supplement.

The ever so constant smaller scale conflict arises between me, my dad, my dad with my mom, me with my mom, and many other conflicts aren't really healthy for my already give-in heart, the very same heart whose hobby is skipping a beat, and pranking me by completely stopping for a few seconds, and leaving me panicking as I struggle to breathe and my face turned dark, and vigorously compressing my chest so my heart back to beating again.

So, yes, it will be a miracle for me to not sound gloom.

Sadly, no miracle came to visit me on daily basis.

That is why, my tone lately is depressing.

Ans lastly, as I said earlier, I meditate, to still my mind to make it focus.

I stopped meditating on daily basis for mental clarity,

Because the by-products of such awareness is a heightened senses, which, turns out too many noises are stressful.

Even more stressful for me, which left me in a delirium like state, where I most of my time unable to motivate myself, nor managing my stress level, since dopamine managing meditation aren't done no longer.

Well, I beg for your pardon for my long pecking rants.

I'm ranting here, just to let those thoughts out from my system, and feeling ashame for hanging my dirty laundry out on the net, for other to see.

But rather than complete being rigid and keeping a facade on myself, pretending to be okay while I'm not, I still opt for this dirty laundry to be out hanging in the open, rather than killing myself slowly with this stressful thoughts

So please bear with me for a little bit while, my dear reader, while I'm working my best to tackle the stress and tying my loose ends here and there, patching my life together again.

Let's hope for life to be a tad bit kinder to me tomorrow, so I will smile again together with you all in the future.

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Doubts and Self Pities, a personal quest to love myself

Despite how I always presents myself, of how I normally appealed and presenting myself to other people, I am not exactly how I always depicted myself.

I always struggle with an enormous self doubt, constantly scrutinizing myself, and even moreso, I have a low self-esteem on top of all that.

During this past years, I began to see them clearer, about how myself real situation within. There are times, and I bet, they're plenty, where I cannot help myself to constantly return to some past experiences, memories from even years or perhaps decades ago, whereas I maybe did some blunder on my self, and can't help to commented on my own memories, about how I've done myself a humiliation, or something along the way.

I think I did share this with Nana, not explicitly explaining what and how I did which, but rather the effort I tried in order to calm my own nerves whenever those self doubting and self scrutinizing came to visit.

"In any way, I've done harm to someone else, be it through my words, my actions, and thoughts, I forgive myself, and may I continue to have an open heart."

The very first time this quotes stumbled upon me, I cannot help the tears. And I beckoned to myself time and times again to this day, telling myself, that it's over already and so should I, forgiving myself, and keep moving on.

Well, it sure is tiresome, being constantly under scrutiny. Moreover, those harmful doubts were self-inclicted.

Give me some rest please, me.. Come on...

And let's not forget about my self-esteem that seemed to be almost non-existent.

I may look toughened up and seemed to be ignoring things on the surface, but when I'm back with myself, there came the long winding self doubtings and may other negative emotions. Oh dear me...those breakdowns sure are plenty back in those days.

....

I struggle to focus on things plenty of time, and maybe in times I fails to give a correct reaction to the situation.

As most youth back in my day, a young person felt as if they know everything, my head is bigger than the sky. And I think I can manage everything, more than so, I know the Word of God, I'm a Christian.

Oh the 'I'm so great' toxicity...

Back in highschool, I think back in those days around a year or so after my born-again journey, those days sure are transforming for an ex-occults now becoming aware of God's graces and love for me.

But this stumbling block of 'i'm so great' disease is still there at that time.

A friend of mine, an ex classmate, is diagnosed with gigantism and having a physical deformity. For years, this friend that I only know as a passerby, yet at the same time is also a friend that goes to the same church with me, seemed to be a funny person with a high self-esteem.

Then came this year, where he lost his dad due to illness. That friend of mine seemed to be struck different ever since. He become even more reclusive, and since we went to different class, not much were known about him.

During the last year of highschool, during our school 3rd year graduation trip, that friend showing symptoms of ptsd. 

At those time, ptsd isn't really a thing, and not much is given as concern about the mental health issues.

My 'oh I'm so great' stricken younger me, thinking that I'm a born-again Christian filled with the annointing of Holy Spirit, I might be able to help.

The friend in concern, is barricading himself in the hotel's bathroom.

While his roommate tried to coax him to exit the bathroom, I slip in, and try to pursue him.

I'm a monster. That's how I see myself.

The effort turns out to be futile, and even worst, I got into a rage due to some provocation of him, and accidentally hit him.

Years passed by, I'm in seminary already, and heard the news, that this friend, passed away. Little is known about the cause since most news were kept under secrecy by the friend that break the news.

What I learn from the rest of the news is, that around a year after graduating, that friend, were submitted to mental institute, by his very brother and mother, whom left him to his final end there.

Our friend which isn't necessarily having mental ailment in the first place, felt so out of place and rage toward his family, and around a year or two afterward, he 'passed' away, and speaking of which, later on, another close friends of his uttered under a whisper, tragically by taking a deliberate act of 'un-aliving' himself.

How broken am I and my big head at that day, despite years later I know that it's not necessarily me, but I felt this deep guilt that made me believe during that night on the hotel bathroom, I somehow might contribute to his desperation and tiredness to his heart, as if my haughtiness causes all of this avalanche by doing the initial push years back.

I truly am a monster.

....

As you see this far, I struggle to love myself.

And I tends to chastise myself, thankfully not to the ends of harming myself physically, but yet, the cause and underlying issues similar to that reasonings are there.

I'm almost 34 this year, and I became Christian somewhere around my 15th.

For almost 19 years, have I been harsh, and ever so increasingly harsher toward myself.

Even to this day, I struggle to love myself, the reasons not to were plenty, but the truth that God loves and forgives me seems to be not that strong enough of an argument, despite in my heart I can simply say that God's love and forgiveness should be the higher priority, but still it's hard to walk the talk.

"It's hard to love the God that is invisible."

Loving God doesn't stop at going to church weekly, reading Bible everyday, singing praises and worship from time to time, nor having a good attitude toward the Gospel and suchalikes.

Loving God is also done by living our daily life, in honor of God, so much so, that God be glorified in and throughout our life, especially, by living fully to the utmost possible way that God be glorified, in this particular case, let's start simply by the basic, loving myself, or self forgiveness, and self-love.

And that, where I struggle the most, making me sometimes uneager and too afraid to ask forgiveness after I sinned, and to raise myself up after I hit rock bottom.

I cannot give you any pragmatic solution nor even a tiny bit of answer here, because I myself still struggle to find the answer to it.

But I can't really say that I've done this and that, tried this or that, all to no avail, still. I did, tried and tried even more, and still failed. Because the truth is, the power isn't mine, and with my own power, a failure is a guarantee for sure, because without Christ, I am simply a dried branch, won't producing any fruits.

So, I return to God daily, for Him to renew His strength in me, and that He renewed my heart so I can once again raises after another day of self-battering and tormenting doubts and accusations.

Whomever in Christ is a new creation, as it is written.

The old has passes on, and the new has dawned, the quote goes on.

Mind can simply agree to that, as the verse isn't really hard to believe, but heart struggles daily to agree to it, as heart tends to embrace the pain of self-torture and barrages of chastising.

So, here is where I took off,

Leaving you all hanging with no real answer.

I'm sharing my burden, that I am far from good enough, and I will never be perfect, despite all those pleasantries I presented, all those stuffs I filled my head, those big knowledge that had not even worth a speck of it's weight in accord to heaven standard, those are simply a lie, an illusion, a white paste of paint covering my deep-hidden embarrassment and self-doubts, of how fragile I truly am.

I am weak, I am fragile, 

None of my work bear fruits, but I know God is faithful.

As long that I bear my cross and depends on Him, I trust that He will renew my heart, and renew how I see the pain differently.

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Yet another entry, of how I came to term with a new 'alias' for myself

Hello again world...

I believe it was last year I post my previous entry.

Without me realising it, it's almost a full year since the last entry.

Nothing much happening, it's just life that happened, while I'm still the same old me.

I'm an uncle now, that's an inevitable fact for one, my sis Nana gave birth to this pretty and healthy baby girl.

She borrowed my 'alias' for her baby's name.

Kind of a personal mixed feelings for me to know that now another person is using my alias for life.

Well, if you may, the alias I made for myself is Zeraphyne.

A borrowed word from Hebrew language for addressing certain higher ranking in the hierarchical angelic beings, the seraphims.

The Seraphims, are one of the highest ranking angels in the heavenly angelic realms, like the Archangel Michael, or Gabriel or the Catholic canonised angels like Raphael and other high ranking angels, even the fallen Luciel is originally a seraph, he is best known today as Lucifer.

But enough about that particular being, we're not focusing about that entity in this entry.

Seraphim, or seraphs are best described in Scripture from  the vision of prophet Isaiah (Isaiah 6:1), where Isaiah saw the sky unfolding and out came angelic beings with six wings, two were used to cover their face, two wings covering their feet, and the last pair used to fly. The angels cried "Holy, Holy, Holy, LORD of Host, the whole earth is full of His glory."

According to their literal translation, seraph, or saraphs (the Hebrew spelling), mean "burning one", another translation for it, is "serpen".

The writing in Hebrew are as such: שׂרָפַים (serafim) or שָׂרָף‎ (saraph-singular form)

Of how a seraphim changed into zeraphyne, is all on my intentional invention part. From שׂרָפַים into ‎ֶזֹרָפַים (serafim into zerafim)

I change the character tsin (ש) into zayin (ז) by my own.

In Kabbalah tradition, the word zayin can be translated as weapon. But that's not my intention by changing tsin into zayin.

My purpose of using zayin instead of tsin, is the numerological meaning according to Kabbalah, making tsin into zayin, because zayin also have meaning and purpose as everlasting. Making the makeshift translation into "everburning one", with a personal prayer behind the change, making myself as a person that always have a burning passion to serve the Lord.

A bit of a stretch, yes I know and I admit it as my part of mistake, but yes I intended to use that name as how I address myself deep within.

Yes, I believe I've told you all about my real given name, Joshua, and of how I saw myself in that name, I felt pressured by my own name, hence I change my name for myself at least.

By changing how I internally address myself, is not my demonstration act of rebel to be honest, but rather as a way of me seeking comfort of mind for myself.

Maybe I forgotten it or maybe I've told you before in my previous, previous, I don't know which post to be sure myself. But, yes, I don't find comfort in my own household, my innermost circle, my family.

Yes, my father is abusive, yes my mother is neglecting mother, but that's not it.

Maybe I've told this before, that I was conceived out of wedlock, and my parents are somewhat 'forced' to marry and cope and trapped within this marriage.

I'm not licking my own wound and having a pity party by again quoting this. But I still can't help myself to notice it even till this very day, that I somehow seemed to be the stranger within the family, as if I was labelled as the bad egg.

I cannot help to notice of how my parents treat me different from the rest of my siblings, and that's fine actually, just it linger somewhere from time to time inside my head during my weakest moments, of how I know that it's nobody fault that I was treated like such, and I don't actually blame anybody for it, yet it saddens me at times.

Somewhere in my adolescent years, maybe I was 14th, maybe somewhere around that age, I come to know of the other side.

The world we lived in, is simply categorize into two sides, the bright side, and the dark side, well, I've come to dine and have a few date with the dark side, I'm talking in parable here, note my hint if you may.

Yes, the Joshua from the past, is a person who has delved his fingers in the art of the occult, I came in contact with some groups consciously worshipping the antithesis of light. I've also further my practice quite diligently to gain the so called 'supernatural knowledge' and I can say that I'm quite adept at it if I may say it humbly.

Hence, I came to hesitate to my birth name, since I used the name Joshua as an occult in my past, when I came into the light side, when God forcibly drag me to His side, when I encounter my first love in Him, I cannot help to despise my old name, my legal and birth given name.

That's my reason for creating the new name for myself.

I can sanely say that I've fallen hard head over heels by God's love for me, of how suddenly the passages of the scripture suddenly came out to life in my head after I met the truest Light, and that's what drove me to be 'crazy' in love with God. For that, is a story to be tell in the future, I cannot promise it yet, but it's for another day okay, (ps: if I can remember my promise in the future, then I'll write another entry about it)

Returning to the story behind seraphims and how and why Zeraphyne.

According to Bible scripture, seraphims are Angels that serve the Lord, they get the honor to worship God directly, they are like the cherubs, but even more special than ordinary cherubs.

That's how I came to build a name based on the name seraphim, with a little bit of my personal twist to makeshift a new name for me.

A little bit trivia, the passage from Isaiah 6:1-7 is the very first passage that I used for my very first devotional preaching in my seminary class.

Maybe because I make a name based from that passage, or maybe that passage initially resonate within my soul so much so that I made my very first devotional sharing from that passage.

The devotional goes as such.

From verse 1-7 we met with a situation, the calling of Isaiah to be a prophet.

The described story are as such, Isaiah saw a vision, that God is sitting on a high throne and the end of His robe is covering the Holy Temple of Solomon, and Isaiah saw angels, the Seraphims, flying here and about above God's throne, they are crying loudly from one to another among themselves the seraphims, "Holy, Holy, Holy, LORD GOD of hosts: the whole earth is full of His glory."

Then in that very vision, Isaiah saw the glory of God manifesting that caused the posts of the temple door shook and tremble heavily, and out came smoke filling the temple all around, smoke everywhere.

The very first reaction of Isaiah, is fear.

He said, woe is he, that he is undone, that he is unclean, his lips are tainted and suchs.

The next verse recorded that one seraph flew down and bring a burning coal on his hand, which was taken using tongs from the altar.

In Old Testament it was explained that the altar within the Temple is kept burning forever ever since the day of the Camp of Tabernacle, since the days of Moses, and the burning altar, with all attributes about is, is state as 'Holy', and having a capability of consecrating other objects.

And a burning coal, is what the seraphim used to touch Isaiah's lips, consecrating his lips.

My point in quoting that passage, was the natural reaction of humankind when they first met the truest presence of God, fear.

Isaiah suddenly remembered his sinful nature, of his mistakes.

You see, God is Light, He is the very definition and source of Light itself, and when we, sinful creation of His that long forgotten what it is to be in the Light, met this very presence, it is the utmost honesty to our sinful and fallen nature for us to react in fear, for our God is also an all consuming fire, to be honest with you, nothing stands before Him, nothing can survive His presence, that's why He sustained us with His mercy at the same time, that we might lived yet another day to tell the world of His glory. But that's another totally different topic to discuss another day.

You see, as if an invisible separating line were to be drawn out into existence, that God is over the other side with all of His grandeur and everburning glory, and us sinning human were on the exact opposite of God, with our disgusting sinful nature, so dark and completely blind by our diligently sinning top notch talent, so much so, we are completely ignorant and unable to by our own initiative, to realise that God is Holy, even more so, unable to come into realisation out of ourself and by ourself to come closer to God's side, none of such with of sinning nature. That's how low human has fallen short from God, so astray, broken and suffering.

And when the presence of God suddenly unfolds before us, we intuitively and instantly feared this very presence. 

For things in this world exist in two exact opposites, that is a universal truth for sure.

Light and Darkness cannot intermingle nor they combine to create a grey zone. None of such, it's was our sinful and utmost humane nature to overcomplicate things and creating many grey arguments, and that's also another truth for my opinion.

When Light came before us, of course we suddenly aware of our nature, for Light unveils every darkness, where there is light, the darkness were stripped bare with nowhere and nothing to hide anymore.

The same is for Isaiah, and so is for us, every human being.

But you see, God is merciful, he reveals all of His glory, we realised our sins, and we are sorry and afraid for our sins, then He poured His grace of forgiveness in the next turn of moment.

That's the case for the God of Bible that I know, and that's what help me to see myself in a better perspective.

Oh how I sinned and sinned in my ignorant false diligence in my younger years, 

Oh how I still laments my younger self to be so stupid and utterly moronic for holding hands with darkness.

But the God of the Bible that reveals Himself to me after I took a stupid decision to attempt un-alive-ing myself is also a merciful God, that He sees me eyes to eyes, and what He saw is beyond my darkest and utmost wickedness. I believe God is the God of second chance, the third and fourth, and the 'n' number of chances, that in His great and long-lasting enduring patience, He gave me another hope to lived on, a new cause to keep breathing, and another day to bear his holy burden, my daily cross, while he sustains my faith, renewed my heart, strengthens my soul to seek Him more and more. That His mercy is bigger than my darkest past mistakes.

That even this very person with a wicked black-hearted such as me is forgiven in Him.

As to my dark past and this sudden turn of tide in my life, I suddenly responded differently to Bible scriptures, a bit much too passionate if I may say, let say, the scripture verses suddenly come to live before my renewed mind, I met my first love, God Himself, and that newfound God-given passion is working at the same time with regrets.

Then the passage came in one of my morning devotional reading, the part where a seraphim brought burning holy coal to 'clean' Isaiah's lips resonates within me.

And I pray and pray, and I pray even more, and secretly that name, with my still fresh as if yesterday prayer for that name, is a prayer for God to make me to even more passionate to seek Him, like an ever burning coal. 

In my regrets, and also a way of finding comfort of mind, that's how that name came into existence.

That's how I came to term of that name, Zeraphyne, with my small footnote, hoping to be forever having a burning passion to seek God, to serve Him, not for money, nor fame, or any human recognition nor any entitlement, simply hoping that if one day God reminded about me, I hope that He is smiling to Himself when He thinks of me. That is what I truly hope and deem as a worth-it case, even if my weak and feeble mortal body will one day cease to exist and perish into nothingness.

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