sharing the Gospel

I remembered back in the past, I'm a tight-lipped person.

I got giddy and nervous easily when I utter even the tiniest of a peep in front of other. Well, technically speaking, I still am.

I found conversation as an arduous task. Getting words to speak and transfer message from my brain into a comprehensive words in hope the recipient understand my message without embarrassing myself in front of other, and moreover, being wary for being overheard by others. It's such a fuzz for me inside.

By default, I'm talking inside my brain, and prefer to not utter anything for the whole day. Which is the reason of this blog being made in the first place back several ten something years ago.

So, being a seminary student, is quite the exact opposite polarity of my default get-go. We are people preparing ourselves to get into ministry, ministering other about the goodness of the Lord, sharing words of the Gospel that transforming both the speaker and their recipients through the work of Holy Spirit.

Of course there are classes that require me to stand before people numbering more than one or two persons to do the minister.

And I'm suck at it, I got cold feet, nausea, nervous, stutters, and suchalikes.

Especially when I need to share about the Gospel to unbelievers, a stranger on top of it all.

I simply unable to get my message clearly, and surely inefficient and ineffective in executing what I aimed to do.

I remember one occasion after graduating and staying in my relatives in Padang, while the rest of the family is moving to Pekanbaru.

I shared the Gospel to my uncle. He is a Buddhist believer, and quite bitter toward Christianity in the first place.

I remember he once told me about his experience back in his youth, he came to a church sermon back in his middle school, where the minister preach the Gospel while making comparison which in gist is berating in tone toward other beliefs. As if this act of ridiculing one religion or that other religions will be effective in convincing the listener about Gospel truth.

He opt to be bitter when he returned home.

And this uncle is my one and only person that I so dearingly hope to get saved by Christ.

What's funny is, that instead it was I that got preached in turn, the table was turned towards me, and I was opened to the noble cause of Buddha and such.

Well, I'm not going in depth about that. But the point, is I didn't succeed to get my message across.

As if I'm not convincing enough, or I'm not a skilled talker not enough persuasion, many thing that I am lacking to this day.

It saddens me even further, several years afterward, the uncle passed away due to lung cancer. To the very end, I did not succeed.

I know that faith came out of hearing to the Gospel. And it is the hidden works of the Holy Spirit in generating faith inside a person's heart.

I am conflicted, was Holy Spirit didn't see that uncle fit for the criterion of faith. Was he unworthy. And so on and so forth.

No, the work of God is a mystery that only God knows best. It is His sovereignty to decide to whom He will grant His grace, and God had no obligation to give explanation to anyone.

So, I rest my restlessness about him, my uncle, under God's sovereign will, as nothing can be done for me to works out any other explanation. So I surrender o'Lord.

That household, his family, is also a fervent Buddhist.

Pretty much, you can say that that family influenced me here and there during my earliest years.

My uncle, is a fans of mysterious and supernatural phenomenons.

Maybe their household influence is best manifested in my pursue of magic and the art of occult in my teenage years, that is how the norm from that family.

Learning meditation, pranayana, morning jog to the city park, taiji practices and suchalikes, is the occasion I encountered during my early years when I came to their household.

I even joined into novicehood because his suggestion to my dad.

So I am lost since early years, how diligent is satan working to cause a mess and trying to turn my eyes away avoiding the Truth.

The year is 2011, the fresh graduate me, all of a sudden met with the fact that my dad went bankrupt, again, and mom's already went ahead of us to Pekanbaru, for a job offer she readily accept. So the rest of family follow her suit, and let's try a new chapter there.

My paperwork is not really finished even after the fact I graduated. My certificate and such isn't ready. The college is still in the process of registering their administrative registry's on the ministry of education, which unfortunately occurred during my graduating year, as the new birocracy is put in place, so it's going to be a little late for my papers to be ready.

So I think to myself, maybe closer to Jakarta is better, and Pekanbaru is too far away.

Moreover I'm not on good term with my dad yet. He is still an abusive father, and he still manage to try establishing his dominance to me even several days before departure from Jakarta.

So I think staying with other relatives is much safer for me, so I just stayed in Padang.

During the 3 month stay with my uncle's family, of course I longed for this family to also know about Jesus, do I shared the Gospel from time to time.

I am inadequate in many way and as I said already in advance, I'm not a good talker, and I got preached in turn about Buddhism.

"Reincarnation is real y'know. We are suffering because of our karmas, our own ignorance causes this suffering. We need to train ourselves to let this suffering end by following dharma." And such... and such....

I had nothing to say in return back then.

I'm only a Christian for 5 or 6 years, my 4 years of seminary days are for me to learn the Bible theoretically, but not on practice. I'm still young and green in my faith, of that I humbly confessed.

What I know is Jesus is good, God is merciful, we are sinners like sheep has gone astray. So far away, so we forgot the way home. And God is good, He came to saves us despite our iniquities and transgressions.

They are still a Buddhist believer to this day. What can I say? A dozen years has passed, and beliefs still unchanging, stronger even instead. 

I don't know why I brought this topic up.

But it occurred to me before writing this long post, that maybe some feeling still linger inside my head, some funny taste even after a decade of my uncle's passing. 

Well, maybe it's because I wear his collared shirt today, maybe it's nothing of the above.

Well, yes, we never know what beyond this life.

We knew nothing about it. We only have faith to equip us for what is next.

Which faith is which is the million dollar question.

What I believe came from my reading of the Bible, believing in the promises from the Bible of what God is and what He is on to about, of all of it to be true 

But other faiths also had their respective beliefs, so we can't help but compares if not clashes each claims on top of each other and judge with our heart of hearts to be the genuine truth. And of that, the Bible teaches, it's because the response itself is given, graced on each individual, so they can accept and believe which one is the Truth.

Being Christian is surely confusing and rather funny in my opinion.

If faith itself is given, so nothing, none at all, not even the tiniest speck can be works on from our part, humans.

If to believe is also a given response, so nothing can be done more for anyone to be able to believe.

So let me contradict myself here to add some fuel into the confusion in hope to spark some more faith out of myself and perhaps you, my readers.

Let just say this every time we preach the Gospel to Buddhist laymen.

If reincarnation is real and perhaps is in fact true. So we have another chance to aim for a better chance in the next turn of life, as long as our life in this time is done perfectly, we got a chance to be reincarnated as human again next.

Let us just try to believe in Christianity this time, as nothing harmful will come out of it, even if it's not the truth, at least we still have a chance next.

But,

If what the Bible claims to be true, that reincarnation is not a thing.

Then this is the one and only chance to accept. That we are sinners doomed for hell on eternity. No other way out, no possible way to atone and ammended the death sentence of sin, as we still sins daily diligently.

So, Jesus came to born and lived a perfect life, died on the cross on every possible kind if punishment and judgement to bear the price we supposedly paid with our head on the stake, so we are asked to accept, to receive in what He did back then. Once and for all, a perfect sacrifice as our ransom. So trough that, be saved.

If this is the only chance we got. Then there is no other but believe. If this is the only saving boat, of course we need to grasp every chance to secure a seat.

But if this is not, we got time still. If Buddhism is true, than we got an uncountable immeasurable chances for next.

But I doubt that it's the case. I can testify that there is no doubt that what Jesus said to be true. That's the case for me personally.

So, in this life, at any encounter, and on each possibility ever opened to you, share the Gospel.

As we never know what will happen to us tomorrow, so share the Gospel, wether we are in a good situation or even in bad situation. On the field, one the kitchen, sitting or standing. Like the Bible said, in every turn of situation, in every chance we had, let us be obedient as a believer.

I believe, that is the one and only true way of exercising our salvation.

No good deeds will amount our way for eternity before God. So the only exercise of faith, is to share them,  lt just among believers, but also to those who believe in other faith.

> >Read More

something to think for

Let's do something fun for a change.

Let's see, my height is probably around 182cm to 184cm, not that it's important, so I never really took a good measure for it.

For you average human being, I'm taller than most people on average, and I'm a man with quite a big build also.

My height will fall in comparison with other things, let say, the Empire State building in NY which is around 443 meters long if we include the antenna an it's spire.

Its almost 250 times taller than me, 243 something times if were trying to be critical.

Even the biggest and tallest man-made construction known to this day, the Burj al Khalifa, is somewhere around 830 meters tall, still pale in comparison to the highest elevation of Mount Everest, somewhere around 8.848 meter.

An if we plunge the Everest into Mariana Trench, there is still about more than 2 kilometers more to go before we reach the base of the trench.

And that, is still limited inside the scope in this big world, this planet we called home.

Our planet is the third in row inside our solar system, and beyond our solar system, other worlds exist, we know of it from the observing to the celestial bodies for centuries of observation and the progression of science.

Even beyond this so called cluster of solar system, there is also another clusters we called galaxies.

And that's all we know about it, the cosmos is wide, bigger than we know, much unthinkable for our small brain to grasp about.

And as we speak, our space is still on the process of expanding, since creation of universe, the thread of space has been expanding from a single point toward beyond the horizon, we are much smaller than a fine dust grain in comparison to the mysteries beyond.

Maybe this much evidence is sole reason to say that religion is wrong, that maybe those beings we claimed to be deities and fight against one another in claiming which is which and what deities is the true deity, is children fits of tantrum.

But maybe, it is a reason to believe, that such a big creation that capable of hosting life, with much finer details and fine-tuning in the very essence of their being, like the complexity of genomes and DNA and even the process of cell mutations, is the sole proof.

That this big cosmos never come to be in the first place if there is no God.

The God I know, make Himself known to His creation.

Are we so special or are we so thickheaded to dare claiming we are the only intelligent beings in the cosmos, I never know the answer, and they're not that important either.

What I know, humanity fails, we are growing greedier by the day, being cold one to another by the day, our heart of hearts is getting wicked by the day.

We are selfish creation, fallen far away short from our Creatior, we no longer deserve to be loved, but in fact He still loves us.

God, make Himself known through Jesus.

And that is enough for me.

If the God that spoken to the void and utter darkness from eternity in the very beginning, that brought light out from the darkness, if that God who laid the foundation of the universe with His hands, if the Almighty wills to made Himself known to this feeble and wicked creation who failed Him from time to time.

Then it is enough.

If my sins is paid not because I deserve any of it, but solely because He is merciful and willing to take me back.

Then, it is enough for me.

Even if this situation I lived is far from heavenly, and the fear of the Lord is nowhere around.

I think it still is enough.

As I am much smaller in comparison to the greatness wonder of the big and vast cosmos.

Who am I to think that the universe owe me some explanations?

I think Jesus is enough, more than enough for me.

Even the situation today isn't perfect, and in fact far from perfect.

At the very least, I can hope in Jesus, for His promise of eternity.

I think it is enough.

> >Read More

the people without face

No, it's nothing about scary horrors..

If the title is misleading, I apologize in advance.

My biggest inability, is to remember faces.

Even the faces of people in my life whom I deem as my closest kins, is oblivious from my memory, I think I can imagine how they look like, but not their facial features.

I don't know when it started, or why it become as such, or more important, when I come to realise this.

But it happens, I cannot recognize people faces. I can took a good glimpse or even stare dead on their face, and as soon as a couple seconds after completely forgotten how they looked like.

So I grow up, developing habits of not making eye contact to the people I talked to. As in truth I also irked by this situation, my frustration of not being able to recall their face. So it become a disturbing situation for me internally for I want to get closer with the other person whole I can't even establish a better relationship with them with a simple thing as remembering their face.

So I avoid seeing their face, as in my memorial they soon will be blank faces all the same.

I'm not sure whether this is a novelty of bizzareness, or my mind playing tricks, or was this a mental ailments. But they happened for at least more than two decades.

Maybe it was catapulted by the traumatic days during my dad's casual way for skinship of barraging punches, that he hate my gut if I stare at his face so he will find another excuse to hit me even more if I looked at his face while the usual practice of boxing session is in process.

Maybe that make me develop the habit of not pointing my eyes on the counterpart's face during any form of verbal interaction. Maybe it's the first situation that make the now faceless people syndrome I experienced today.

I hate is so much when I file a report in local police station after my phone got snatched during a bus ride, as the police officer asked me how the man facial features looked like, I can't answer him as the man in question face is defaultly blank in my mind. Even how the police officer looks like is long forgotten.

Even my mom and dad's face is blank, even Nana, Angel, and baby Zera, by default, in my head their faces are blanks, how much more are the rest of people I known throughout my whole life.

I can't really able to describe faces. Maybe some kind of clue how they supposed to looks is there, but when I try to focus on them, it soon becomes a blank face, like how a scarecrow doll had blank face, that's how I saw each and everyone I hold dear in my memories.

So, the question is, how can I differentiate one person from another.

I developed some dope detective skills maybe. i remember their height, how they speak, their speech  intonation, the voices, some clues is there. And when they're in front of me in person I won't forget their faces, the situation only occurs when I no longer in presence with them.

So yes, if you dissect my brain and somehow boot it on a screen, maybe what shown from my memories will be faceless people talking to me or to one another.

But thankfully we got pictures nowadays, so they're not all forgotten, if I surf the net and seen their posts, some profile picture will help a lot.

Funny is, I even once suspected myself of having dyslexia, and took some test myself due to this situation.

So no, maybe it's a long habits developed for decades, not a mental ailment, but a habit driven from my still ever-present childhood traumas.

That's all for today... till next time

> >Read More