about Life....

I have always been wandering about what it is to be alive. What's there about in order for one to be fully alive, of what is there from life to offer in hand.

Of course as I grow older I have been through plenty of stages of change, and moreso deep within, from my perspective and ways of thinking.

I once thought to myself, wouldn't it be best for life to have a manual, a somewhat guidebook like a small booklet that accompany the purchase of a smartphone, about how to do this and that, what limitations and capabilities the gadget has to offer and how to tackle certain trouble that might occur in the usage of said gadget.

But no, life has nothing to offer in the aspect of said guidance nor manuals.

We are lost from the very first day we 'spawned' into this world. 

I'm not some kind of guru in this aspect either, so I won't be able to give you any definite answer either.

And no, I'm not in for a debatable topic of argumentative essays either.

I'm just saying my own version of life.

That is, life according to, and uniquely akin to me personally.

For me, life is to be alive, and to live is to breathe, and to breath is to be constantly aware and appreciative.

And in regards of being aware is to live life in a semi-permanent state of being 'detached' while being all around and about from the world.

Can I put it into a simpler term?

Let me iterate further, as far as it could, as much as I am able further.

For me, who struggles in my childhood due to being too accustomed with being neglected and not being listened, to be able to develop awareness of my own being and my thoughts and feelings is important.

Maybe because I was so accustomed with suppressing my emotion due to fear from being hit, and the urgency to be able to stop crying when being yelled by my dad,l in his yet another anger fit episode, that inability to vent down my own emotions freely back then has made it toll in my early teenage years. I grow up detached from society, due to me not properly developing the bare minimum requirements in socializing aspect. 

So, as I grow older, the arduous healing steps and the necessity to retrace my inner child to rebuild the awareness is deem necessary for me personally. Being able to be fully aware of my own state of being and my emotions is truly a blessing.

I can cry when I am sad, to understand that the emotion I am feeling as either sad, anger, upset, happiness, and so on is a blessing.

So yes, to be aware is to live. And to live in that semi detached state is a good start.

Detached in a sense, of being fully aware of what I am feeling and of being capable to fully master it, not letting the feeling govern my action and fully controlling how I react even through such a hard situation.

And to be semi detached, of being exposed to life, while being able to draw my personal boundaries and limiting access to my space whenever necessary.

That can be translated as, me being aware of my own mental state and developing the awareness of my own being and action, throughout my daily life, and knowing people, while also knowing how to limit their influences toward me and also limiting their access to enter my life, if deemed necessary, so that through all of the experiences I had, I can still be me, and I can still be true to myself at the end of the day.

And yes, to do such, a constant mindfulness is the basic necessity. And to be able to have empathy whenever needed is another key. But self love is also important, knowing where to put your own worth to place and when to give a bit of sacrifice for each situation.

And that's life for me in a nutshell.

I may not be living it perfectly pristine and all bling bling, and nor do I lived the total naivety either.

I am living life, my style, Josh's way of living.

So, my old friend.... How's life going for you lately?