of holiness

I confess it in shame and humility my old friend,

That I dwelve my days and life of youth in sins, gallowing and many multitudes of sinning. And among then, too, of carnal desires.

I've come to raise and fall, struggling in every steps of life, and maybe to this day, depending on strength that is now my own, I believe, to practice a life of setting myself apart.

I am talking about the daily practice of personal holiness.

I thought of it, and I dreamed for it, and surely I long for it, so much.

And I still walk and try and fall down, and struggling to get up, and try more, to walk in it, every single day of my life.

What is it then?

What is holiness?

I know that God is holy for once.

But what is it? What's all these fuzzy thing in a sudden all about?

I think I am convinced that this might be the right time to drop it, and it won't do any good for anything later.

You know, my friend, how I fall and how I struggle in life, and about whatever in whichever aspects.

And let me tell you, I've come to know about pornography since I was 6 or 7. Hansen introduced me to this world, and we did fool around as kids about it.

Later during my juvenile periods, I get so intrigued about it, and I dare say I also date around, and maybe along the way, (200 words ommitted due to shame), lose my virginity with a girl, during those stupid escapades of saying wanting to know God but doing the exact opposite in actuality.

And I get to explore both worlds, due to my not so mainstream tendency in gender preference, yes, I did foolishness and I'm ashamed of it.

But shame bring no healing nor restoration if it stops only there.

So out of shame, I confess to you, my friend, so throughout it I may be healed, again, and with this newfound latest breath of healing may established again what healed parts I've manage to reestablish through my whole journey so far.

So, personal holiness, that darning and heart breaking word that brought many restlessness and humility to my mind in plenty of ways in many days and years.

Simple, mysterious, confusing, and uncommon, and yet uncomfortable at the same time.

Holiness is a whole life process, it is not a ceremony, and it doesn't come in a single night.

It's a pursuit, and also a daily practice.

It's a trait, and setting distinction, one and only clear distinctive feature for a genuine Christ follower.

We have been set apart. As the church has been 'taken out' from the world, despite still being in the midst of it.

The holiness is another lane setting the church apart, on a personal basis, each individual from another, in their innermost aspect of life.

The setting apart of the heart.

So, that is translated into, churchgoers, is not all holy.

No one is holy. Everyone is the same sinner being sanctified through Jesus blood shed on the cross for all sinners.

But holiness is a personal calling that is put into practice in our daily life basis, that further setting us apart, making us slowly and surely, more distinctively pulled out from this world.

So, the music I heard back in my age of oblivion, might not sound so entertaining now for me.

And the media I use to like back then now no longer seems or sounds funny for me today.

And the tendencies for compromising things and being permissive to some sinning might no longer sits okay on my mind today in comparison to earlier days.

Personal holiness, is not plastic, it's not even organic.

It is irreplaceable, and totally not replicable. It cannot be made up, and faked up.

It's not a fake it till you made it situation.

And all effort to replicate it into your life are proven useless in the question how can I have a personal holiness life.

Holiness originated and authored by the one and only, God, it is solely God.

And you won't have it, if God doesn't put it in place in the first place.

He put it there, in your life as a proof that He is shifting your life like a Miller shifting pulvered meal powder into fine flour.

He first shift the tiny pebbles out, and he shifted the husk, the bran out with an even finer meshes strain shifter.

And after some good crushing, pounding and grinding, He collect it again, pass it through an even finer shifter, and collected the uncrushed grain chunks out, letting the coarse grind through.

And throughout more process, He might keep refining your life, until you become a very fine flour, ready to be kneaded into bread.

Or with another parable, we all are chunks of dirt, containing strain of silver in it. He cleanse the soil, and retrieve the silvery sand, and He will refine it in the burner, melting the silver to produce slag.

As He sit through and wait for us to be fully refined in the furnace, He wait for all impurities melt away and burn to cinder, as a silver Craftsman patiently sits and watch for His silver to be ready.

God is refining us, as we melt in hot glow, until we are ready, that is when we finally reflecting His image on the surface of melting hot silver pool, that is our refined life.

I want it to be me so bad. I really long for the process.

I made it my life goals, to live my life holy.

I've been a nazirine, I took the vow back in Pekanbaru, I grow my hair long enough, practicing Old Testament law diligently, seeking the Lord daily. Struggling in every way.

But no, holiness is not a work of man, but truly God authored Grace.

And in my weakness, throughout the suffering and pain, I do finally see... I found grace abundant.

Grace, for something so big, that is high and noble and so unattainable, unobtainable, that God gives it freely.

I don't say nor do I claim that I have it, that this is it, what I have now at the moment was it.

No!

But I walked in and out of it, no matter how many times I went astray. The same grace that brought me to my knees in repentance keep adding the weight of longing on my heart scale, so I long even further and even more daringly, of a personal holiness, to be fully lived in my daily basis and spiritual obedience put to practice.

So, personal holiness is still a mystery to me.

But I know it's not impossible, and that it's so important, so much so, I long to have it.

And it's fully not my power, so no matter what I do, I can't have it on my own accord, but solely God given.

So I pray more for me to live my life in it.

So pray for me, my old friend, if you come to read it, pray... For me to finally living in it, constantly. And for yourself too, for you to have it.

May we reflecting God's image in our refined life pursuit of holiness at the end of our life journey.

Until next time, my old friend.

I love you, and you are precious to me.