of holiness

I confess it in shame and humility my old friend,

That I dwelve my days and life of youth in sins, gallowing and many multitudes of sinning. And among then, too, of carnal desires.

I've come to raise and fall, struggling in every steps of life, and maybe to this day, depending on strength that is now my own, I believe, to practice a life of setting myself apart.

I am talking about the daily practice of personal holiness.

I thought of it, and I dreamed for it, and surely I long for it, so much.

And I still walk and try and fall down, and struggling to get up, and try more, to walk in it, every single day of my life.

What is it then?

What is holiness?

I know that God is holy for once.

But what is it? What's all these fuzzy thing in a sudden all about?

I think I am convinced that this might be the right time to drop it, and it won't do any good for anything later.

You know, my friend, how I fall and how I struggle in life, and about whatever in whichever aspects.

And let me tell you, I've come to know about pornography since I was 6 or 7. Hansen introduced me to this world, and we did fool around as kids about it.

Later during my juvenile periods, I get so intrigued about it, and I dare say I also date around, and maybe along the way, (200 words ommitted due to shame), lose my virginity with a girl, during those stupid escapades of saying wanting to know God but doing the exact opposite in actuality.

And I get to explore both worlds, due to my not so mainstream tendency in gender preference, yes, I did foolishness and I'm ashamed of it.

But shame bring no healing nor restoration if it stops only there.

So out of shame, I confess to you, my friend, so throughout it I may be healed, again, and with this newfound latest breath of healing may established again what healed parts I've manage to reestablish through my whole journey so far.

So, personal holiness, that darning and heart breaking word that brought many restlessness and humility to my mind in plenty of ways in many days and years.

Simple, mysterious, confusing, and uncommon, and yet uncomfortable at the same time.

Holiness is a whole life process, it is not a ceremony, and it doesn't come in a single night.

It's a pursuit, and also a daily practice.

It's a trait, and setting distinction, one and only clear distinctive feature for a genuine Christ follower.

We have been set apart. As the church has been 'taken out' from the world, despite still being in the midst of it.

The holiness is another lane setting the church apart, on a personal basis, each individual from another, in their innermost aspect of life.

The setting apart of the heart.

So, that is translated into, churchgoers, is not all holy.

No one is holy. Everyone is the same sinner being sanctified through Jesus blood shed on the cross for all sinners.

But holiness is a personal calling that is put into practice in our daily life basis, that further setting us apart, making us slowly and surely, more distinctively pulled out from this world.

So, the music I heard back in my age of oblivion, might not sound so entertaining now for me.

And the media I use to like back then now no longer seems or sounds funny for me today.

And the tendencies for compromising things and being permissive to some sinning might no longer sits okay on my mind today in comparison to earlier days.

Personal holiness, is not plastic, it's not even organic.

It is irreplaceable, and totally not replicable. It cannot be made up, and faked up.

It's not a fake it till you made it situation.

And all effort to replicate it into your life are proven useless in the question how can I have a personal holiness life.

Holiness originated and authored by the one and only, God, it is solely God.

And you won't have it, if God doesn't put it in place in the first place.

He put it there, in your life as a proof that He is shifting your life like a Miller shifting pulvered meal powder into fine flour.

He first shift the tiny pebbles out, and he shifted the husk, the bran out with an even finer meshes strain shifter.

And after some good crushing, pounding and grinding, He collect it again, pass it through an even finer shifter, and collected the uncrushed grain chunks out, letting the coarse grind through.

And throughout more process, He might keep refining your life, until you become a very fine flour, ready to be kneaded into bread.

Or with another parable, we all are chunks of dirt, containing strain of silver in it. He cleanse the soil, and retrieve the silvery sand, and He will refine it in the burner, melting the silver to produce slag.

As He sit through and wait for us to be fully refined in the furnace, He wait for all impurities melt away and burn to cinder, as a silver Craftsman patiently sits and watch for His silver to be ready.

God is refining us, as we melt in hot glow, until we are ready, that is when we finally reflecting His image on the surface of melting hot silver pool, that is our refined life.

I want it to be me so bad. I really long for the process.

I made it my life goals, to live my life holy.

I've been a nazirine, I took the vow back in Pekanbaru, I grow my hair long enough, practicing Old Testament law diligently, seeking the Lord daily. Struggling in every way.

But no, holiness is not a work of man, but truly God authored Grace.

And in my weakness, throughout the suffering and pain, I do finally see... I found grace abundant.

Grace, for something so big, that is high and noble and so unattainable, unobtainable, that God gives it freely.

I don't say nor do I claim that I have it, that this is it, what I have now at the moment was it.

No!

But I walked in and out of it, no matter how many times I went astray. The same grace that brought me to my knees in repentance keep adding the weight of longing on my heart scale, so I long even further and even more daringly, of a personal holiness, to be fully lived in my daily basis and spiritual obedience put to practice.

So, personal holiness is still a mystery to me.

But I know it's not impossible, and that it's so important, so much so, I long to have it.

And it's fully not my power, so no matter what I do, I can't have it on my own accord, but solely God given.

So I pray more for me to live my life in it.

So pray for me, my old friend, if you come to read it, pray... For me to finally living in it, constantly. And for yourself too, for you to have it.

May we reflecting God's image in our refined life pursuit of holiness at the end of our life journey.

Until next time, my old friend.

I love you, and you are precious to me.

> >Read More

to heal....

To heal is to forgive.

To forgive of what have been done in the past.

Not to make the oppressor ran away free unaware of the damage that has been done.

But to set the self in pain free from burden that they carry.

To realize how heavy is the weight of doubt and painful memories, terrorizing and haunting the many sleepless nights.

That ever so eager to come again and haunts with newfound horror, for the sake of reminiscing about past wounds.

To forgive, is to let myself finally free. Free from the heavy burden I carried unknowingly.

So, because I simply care and because I simply tired of wanting relief. I shall put those burdens free, away they gone beyond me.

At the foot of the cross, where my Savior redeemed me.

I want to be healed, and finally breathe a little freely.

So, heal, my old me, lift your chin once again, and be healed.

Because I too, deserve to be happy, a happiness of my own, one uniquely tailored for me, a perfect fit, and no longer a tragedy.

I am... Healing... Slow, but sure

> >Read More

about Life....

I have always been wandering about what it is to be alive. What's there about in order for one to be fully alive, of what is there from life to offer in hand.

Of course as I grow older I have been through plenty of stages of change, and moreso deep within, from my perspective and ways of thinking.

I once thought to myself, wouldn't it be best for life to have a manual, a somewhat guidebook like a small booklet that accompany the purchase of a smartphone, about how to do this and that, what limitations and capabilities the gadget has to offer and how to tackle certain trouble that might occur in the usage of said gadget.

But no, life has nothing to offer in the aspect of said guidance nor manuals.

We are lost from the very first day we 'spawned' into this world. 

I'm not some kind of guru in this aspect either, so I won't be able to give you any definite answer either.

And no, I'm not in for a debatable topic of argumentative essays either.

I'm just saying my own version of life.

That is, life according to, and uniquely akin to me personally.

For me, life is to be alive, and to live is to breathe, and to breath is to be constantly aware and appreciative.

And in regards of being aware is to live life in a semi-permanent state of being 'detached' while being all around and about from the world.

Can I put it into a simpler term?

Let me iterate further, as far as it could, as much as I am able further.

For me, who struggles in my childhood due to being too accustomed with being neglected and not being listened, to be able to develop awareness of my own being and my thoughts and feelings is important.

Maybe because I was so accustomed with suppressing my emotion due to fear from being hit, and the urgency to be able to stop crying when being yelled by my dad,l in his yet another anger fit episode, that inability to vent down my own emotions freely back then has made it toll in my early teenage years. I grow up detached from society, due to me not properly developing the bare minimum requirements in socializing aspect. 

So, as I grow older, the arduous healing steps and the necessity to retrace my inner child to rebuild the awareness is deem necessary for me personally. Being able to be fully aware of my own state of being and my emotions is truly a blessing.

I can cry when I am sad, to understand that the emotion I am feeling as either sad, anger, upset, happiness, and so on is a blessing.

So yes, to be aware is to live. And to live in that semi detached state is a good start.

Detached in a sense, of being fully aware of what I am feeling and of being capable to fully master it, not letting the feeling govern my action and fully controlling how I react even through such a hard situation.

And to be semi detached, of being exposed to life, while being able to draw my personal boundaries and limiting access to my space whenever necessary.

That can be translated as, me being aware of my own mental state and developing the awareness of my own being and action, throughout my daily life, and knowing people, while also knowing how to limit their influences toward me and also limiting their access to enter my life, if deemed necessary, so that through all of the experiences I had, I can still be me, and I can still be true to myself at the end of the day.

And yes, to do such, a constant mindfulness is the basic necessity. And to be able to have empathy whenever needed is another key. But self love is also important, knowing where to put your own worth to place and when to give a bit of sacrifice for each situation.

And that's life for me in a nutshell.

I may not be living it perfectly pristine and all bling bling, and nor do I lived the total naivety either.

I am living life, my style, Josh's way of living.

So, my old friend.... How's life going for you lately?

> >Read More

another update from life, and some twist of fate

Hello there old friend, and it feels nice to get to write again. With a better mood and proper sanity this time.

So, a year has passed by, and suddenly here we are, it's June again.

Yesterday I saw on social media, from my brother in law's story and Mel's story. They went to Marco's resting place.

Without me releasing it, it's been 3 years, and with those sense, 4 and a half years since I first got my clinical depression, and now it's half a year for me since I can safely say that I've regained my 80% or so control of my will to live back.

People surrounding me is a big help, a good environment, and I've got news, plenty of em to chip in and spill over here.

First of all, I've met new faces, plenty of unknown strangers, and some occasional acquaintance and some more lasting faces that stays for a while and some a more longer impression lasting faces that entered my inner part so to say circle, new people that somewhat revolves around my life for quite a while, and unbeknownst to me, aid me in my healing journey.

At first, it was only me all alone last year, and one day, during an occasion with Angel, we're planning for a trip back to Jakarta, and introducing Jasson. The first stranger that knocked on my room door and asked for Information about where can he repair his phone. So because it's in the same direction with us, I offered him to join the cab and pull over around the shopping center for him to try finding shop garage that might repair his phone.

Jasson didn't manage to repair that 5 years old phone, but he got a new one instead that day, but maybe the initial gesture somewhat and somewhere broken the ice among us.

Skip to March, Angel got her job offer, one day after passing the B1 level certification, and around that time, Nathan came, joining the circle. The boy got potential in my initial assessment, he's showing good traits of a fervent Christian, and looking at how he prayed constantly and how he diligently read his bible somewhat make me jealous about such discipline whereas I sometimes skip my daily spiritual disciplines.

Starting May, Angel flight to Germany, and the first week after the drama hits hard.

They labelled me as a hypocrite and a pretentious Jesusfreak, even this place which claim themselves and labelled themselves and identified themselves as Christ followers, turns out spewing me with accusations and reject my genuine effort to live my life as a strict to Bible teaching non-compromising Christ obeying Christian.

I'm not being haughty nor boasting here. I know how deep I've fallen so I just trying my very best not to repeat history. And I'm by all mean, ensuring myself in constant check, so I don't get sidetracked and return to my old life.

But seems out my personal holiness and purity is being questioned by the very institution that every Friday make discipleship class and in short, I got despised and labelled as pretentious and a rebel.

Jasson, who affiliated himself with me, because he somewhat 'bought' all my Gospel sharing episodes, and Nathan who at that time still in a somewhat good term with me, also got to taste the aftermath.

We got a kind of 'excommunicated' sense of treatment

We were moved from Camp 2 to Camp 1, and you won't believe it, in 2024, but we're moving to a backwater trapped in history plot of lands.

Where the neighborhood is still bamboo forest, and the neighbors raised goats, geeze, ducks and chickens in a raised stable/coop.

It's surrounded with clay road that got into a swamp in rainy season and that hard to forget goat dung smells 24 hours.

And maybe Nathan read it different because he got inflicted by the aftermath as an idle passerby.

Worse, we got slandered as gay couple as a sarcastic slurs from no other than the Foundation Director, Mr. Y.

Simply because he saw that Nathan been following me around, and he got irked because I once said to Mr. A that Angel's acceptance to her workplace, is none other than a humble prayer result, that God is showing us a favor, which might insult him personally because turns out his own son got rejected at first interview with that hotel before finally got accepted at his second attempt.

Funny how a self proclaimed Christian turns out not so mature in tight situation, and we got persecuted, somewhat, by moving us to this backwater place full of inconveniences.

And since then, Nathan drawing a thin fine line and draws back from me.

Jason is my neighbor next door, and for 3 months we spent more time, doing silly things, games, joking around, sharing the Gospel, gossiping about, and complaining about the injustice we experienced.

And we grow closer, and he begin to see himself as my brother, so I began to return the gesture, treating him like one.

And when we're finally moved back to Camp 2, Jasson become my roommate for around 2 months, and we're sharing the Gospel more and I don't know what the boy saw in me and my personal life, but I somehow gained a follower, not in a literal sense. I just want to tell him about how God has been good to me, and I really wish for him to personally have that relationship with God for himself on his own basis of approach.

One day, Jasson received Jesus as his personal Savior, I lead him on prayer. And we can say, from a brother, he become a mentee, and me, despite my many lackings, now a mentor in Christ.

Jasson got to graduate his B1 certification on July, applied for job interview on August, got accepted and begin to file his Visa entry around August, but got his Termin in November, and by the end of November, flight to Germany, and he's been there for half a year now.

While Nathan got his B1 certificate around September. And he's still around to this very day, not yet beginning his departure to Germany.

In the while, back in September, here comes a new member of my circle. Alexander, a 27 years old born again Christian who turned out to be a Reformed doctrine follower. We share plenty, and I introduced Jasson to him, and the group grows from 2 person to 3.

We spent plenty of time around with Jasson and Alex be it in Esa, or outside, or maybe in Alex room, chatting, joking, and sharing about God.

While Nathan made his own group, where he become the star, and a somewhat mentor of the group.

But the Nathan I saw back in March is long gone, he never seen pray, nor read his Bible as often, and he began care for his outward appearance more than his inward spiritual growth. Back then I began to tackle about the importance of living a holy life to him, before he draws the line from me.

Now with these newfound group of his, a certain girl caught my attention. Amanda, who oftentimes share the inside story from her group (the one Nathan made) and tell her difficulties in life and maybe some occasional days, sharing about Thai culture and songs and maybe series she watched (she knew that I can speak and read Thai from our initial chatting, and she began to open up to me since then)

And Nathan didn't seems to like it, she experienced 1 month and a half silent treatment being ghosted by Nathan, despite the boy is walking and breathing before her very eyes.

So one day she decided to exit the group, and occasionally joining my group.

Especially everytime I went to Camp 3 to visit Alex's room.

From a once in a while visit, become a regular visit on a weekly basis. To a 3 day basis, and once in 2 days basis, until I took my B1 certification test, passed the test and went for a 2 months praktikum in a kitchen from some hotel in BSD. But after finishing my praktikum, we returned even closer, and Manda become one of us, so my casual video call with Jasson is usually done while being in Alex's room, with Manda joining for a tea, snacks, or late night coffee.

And here comes Matthew, who initially a casual acquaintance that oftentimes crossed paths with me when I bought dinner or my casual night walk. I often pray in silence on those night walk episodes, and once or twice he followed me, and I shared to him my personal testimony, how and why I joined the program and wanting to go to Germany. And sharing about the depression and so on, and Matthew finished his certification around the time I passed mine, and he joined the praktikum at the same hotel not long after me, by a week. So from initial crossing of path to an occasional meeting by lunch hour to a casual occasional walk from the hotel returning to camp, to joining me after hours in Alex's room, and he's becoming one of us. 

And of course, I'm focusing the group about personal life on a personal basis, mentoring them and sharing the Gospel as the core focus.

And the group grew closer.

Now, late May 2025, Alex got his Termin, went for Visa interview, and he acquired the Visa in 21st of May.

And finally fly to Germany back in the 5th of June. Just 3 days ago. He's been settling in and have begun his work and hoping the best of luck and wishing him good adventure ahead in life.

But let me tell you the story about Nathan now.

2 days ago, that very Nathan who now a perfect stranger, who begin showing NPD traits and making a new group with more members, and begin to showcasing a complete different lifestyles.

Clashes with me.

I often heard from the other Camp dwellers, that Nathan did this, Nathan did that.

I once got hold of his phone, he let me borrow it and I once used it to browse something on the net about some regulations update from German Embassy in regards to Visa application, but what I stumble is the search history, which is actually his privacy, but I stumbled at it because wanting to open the page I searched the day before, only to find the other search histories around the list. Porns. Not a casual one time, but as I scrolled quickly and skimmed it through downward, but a constant routines. And I've scrolled down long enough to January, and it's still the same search histories. Even some tabs are still opened in the browser.

I kept it quiet, and secretly consult it with Jasson, because howsoever I once saw him as a brother and the other brother is Jasson, who also identify him as his own brother also.

We try to talk to Nathan about that sensitive topic, and he draws back even further, and a complete stranger even to me, with his well known silent treatment by which I already experienced one year prior.

I let him be, but bro is an attention seeker, everytime I went to Camp 3 in Alex's room, Nathan who's room is right across ours, walk even more often out from his room, bare chested, showcasing his now profound muscles and abs, with loose almost see through pants, basically flaunting his beauty like a peacock in heat.

Doing calisthenics till late night (it's half 12 or 1 am dead in the night for heavens sake)

And he broke up with his girlfriend and I once consoled him back in March this year, and I got astonished because during that private talk, his ex called him using her mom's phone, and during her ranting, she mentioned one sentence that broke my judgement on Nathan completely.

Nathan is a lecherous brat, who, back in the days, forces himself on her, the girl complaining to Nathan that there are rumors about her spreading around now, because she is labeled as a cheap girl, and the gossip was spread to the church communities, and no other but the current boyfriend of her's is the one spreading the rumour. And Nathan pacify her to keep her calm, and suddenly she blew a fuse, saying "even back when we're dating, and when you force me to s*ck you, I often refused, how dare that man now spew lies about me."

Yup, I'm not supposed to hear that, and moreso spread it here. But that is the background of my thoughts behind why I finally let him exit the door to my life.

And 2 days ago, Manda, who's roommate is one of Nathan's 'follower', well to be exact, Nathan is chasing the girl and been following her around for months now right one week after the broke up, so I can conclude that her roommate is the newfound target, maybe.

So back to my rantings, Manda returned from Mall dinner with us (me, Matthew, and Jere) previously we did caught Nathan and his group at the same Mall we went for dinner, a rare occasion for my group, but yeah, now we knew Nathan is a frequent visitors, explaining his late return most of those days before.

So, Manda entered her room, the door is closed, but there are 3 boys inside, Nathan and 2 other of his followers, casually sitting with door closed. Boys is not allowed to enter girl's room, Camp rule.

Moreso, it's 10.40 pm, and Manda called me, complaining, she's been hiding in their bedroom not wanting to get out, and complaining that she's wanting to take a bath but can't due to those boys around.

So I called Matthew, told him to pass the phone to the leader (Nathan)

And I said such:

Nathan, do you still recall your gender?

And do you noticed where are you right now?

And what time is it now?

So, if you're not dispersing any sooner, I'm sorry to say this, Imma call the School mentor, Imma call Tante.

He flew in rage, and rapping his raging slurs and spewings threats and returned the phone to Matthew.

Later Matthew told me in chat, that Nathan returned upstairs and threatening to break my neck and so on (plenty of words ommitted, we know the gist already), he climb up to the open rooftop, the 4th floor, still angry and ranting in hate. And then, BOOM, the wall shakes, some superman hit the Roman Concrete wall.

The next moment, the following crowds panicking, a stupid man broke his fist.

They scamper to hospital, late in the night, admitting bros at hospital, and trying to chip in for money to pay for an operation, and everyone kept it a secret from the school.

We heard the next day, that the cost for operation is totalling 70 millions. Wow, what a price. Currently, today, is the operation, and the one that shoulder the fee might be Nathan's only family here in Jakarta, her older sister.

And we'll see how it goes, not that I feeling proud nor contemptuous, but I watch as things unroll before me. That being humble and being able to master one own mind is important and there are price for it, and it could be too pricey maybe...

> >Read More